153 – to a hopeful new me: some resolutions.

It’s way past the new year, but I guess it’s never too late to make some goals for the year. I felt a little guilty that I missed last year so I figured it would be even more awful if I missed this year as well. I’m gosh darn awful at completing my new year’s resolutions, but it’s nice to look back to see where I wanted to be and how far I still need to go.

Here’s a little reflection on 2016’s resolutions (hella late, I know).

• I ended up going to Canada’s Wonderland as a pre-graduation thing; that was a lot of fun – bunch of places I still have yet to go in Toronto, but hopefully I’ll have time to go sometime while I’m still in Ontario
• I got real close to Masters in LoL in 2016…(decayed out of my promotion games) – not sure that this year will be the year, but maybe?
• 10 posts/month was the goal…who am I kidding?
• I did enjoy learning again! In some courses. Obviously not in the one that made me miserable.
• I didn’t have a super productive summer in 2016, but I did do well on my MCAT retake so that was kind of worth it.
• & lastly, I got into med school. So it seems that I’m not a total failure at keeping resolutions.

Alright. So, 2018, what have we got in store for you?

1. Learn enough Korean to survive your exchange in July. [I really hope this works out…]
2. 5 posts/month. This is totally reasonable. Please. [As an aside, I’d love to do some clinically-related writing…it’d be interesting to blog about my experiences]
3. Pass all my exams in pre-clerkship.
4. Find a reviewing system that works for me. [Most likely cheatsheets. Maybe flashcards? Oh, and a question bank.]
5. Learn to knit something new. [& maybe crochet??]
6. Go back and visit friends a few times.
7. Write and actually send a letter to my mom [Instead of throwing it in the recycling, never to be seen again. Why am I like this?]
8. Become a healthier person [This is terribly vague, but essentially just nutrition, exercise, skincare, & mental health. Maybe make-up from S Korea so I can be prettier? That’d be nice for my self esteem…]

This list seems achievable, so I’ll leave it at that before I start to add things that might not be so simple to achieve. I finally feel ready for you now, 2018. It’s about time. 🙂

our roaring hearts

beneath these cool gray skies

we lie bewildered

searching for a catalyst

to transform our lives

bring us closer to our dreams

to weather away our faults

and forge the way into our future.

 

we fall in line

to the rhythm of our resolve

beating gently beneath the earth

ever so constant

and determined

it guides us ever forward.

 

we march towards the horizon of promises

that we swore we would never let go of

even if the world goes dark

we will not forget

the path that got us here

with our ambitions etched into the walls

with our hearts roaring above the noise

we will emerge

triumphant.

For the stars are yours to wish upon.

For the nights you don’t quite feel like yourself – for times you feel worthless and out of place in this great, vast world.

---

Hey there, love.

It’s okay. You don’t have to explain yourself. I know it’s been hard and things haven’t exactly been going your way. But it’s going to be okay. I promise. Even if everything feels like it’s falling apart, know that this is not the end, only a beginning.

This isn’t the first time you have felt this way. Nor will it likely be your last. Please don’t give up the part of you that shines so brightly in your best moments just because it’s weighing down on you right now. Now is not forever and you are so much more than the you at your very worst.

You are so much more than you’ll ever appreciate. You’re beautiful – fantastic in all your little quirks. And though you are far from perfect, you are always, always good enough. Though we are constantly changing, always striving to be better, it is not wrong to love the you that is here right now. Because this you is not a lesser version, but an important piece of your kaleidoscopic soul – colourful and unique, perfectly filling in the empty spaces of the masterpiece that you are. And oh my, you are a masterpiece.

Don’t lose hope now. Your dreams are still within your reach and I believe that you will get there. That day seems so far away which makes it so easy to lose sight of where it might be, but if you just keep your mind on it, it’s closer than it seems.

Do not be afraid to dream for the stars are yours to wish upon. And on nights like tonight, when you feel you’re losing sight, let the skies remind you of all the possibilities.

You deserve to be happy. Don’t ever think otherwise. You’re hurting now, but remember there have been better times in your past just as there will be better times in your future. When this blows over, we’ll pick up the pieces and slowly glue them back together again. Perhaps we’ll make something greater.

I love you.

I love you so, so much.

We will get through this.

126

Having really weird vivid dreams lately.
In one, my father had me something along the lines of imprisoned and working for him. It was frightening. Thinking of ways to escape but not knowing where to go or how to survive in the world. I was impoverished and alone. Took a while to shake the fear from the dream away (a few league games).

Yesterday’s was even more weird. Was playing really expensive “board games” with Rachel, Kevin and JV (I miss you guys, I guess???). Like really expensive though.  We were buying tickets for like $90. Gambling maybe. Then we went in this underground tunnel. There was a train.  It was dark. I don’t think this dream made much sense plot wise. I attribute it to the fact that I just finished reading all 143 chapters of Tokyo Ghoul last night. The ending was unsettling (slightly different from the anime), but I’m interested to see what happens in the sequel. Will probably write my thoughts on the whole thing when the sequel ends.

On a happier note, I went out for dinner at the Harvest Kitchen with a couple of friends last night. Most of the CSU crew – Tanya, Mohamed, Amanda, Anastasia (although she won’t be part of the exec after all since she was accepted to med school… in her third year… gosh I’m jealous but also happy for her) – and Nick (a classmate/friend from inorgo chem).
Had vegetarian meatballs (so there was no meat in them) which were yummy and filled me up more than I thought they would. Had a glass of white wine also (we were deceived thinking $1.11 per oz was cheap as it amounted to $8 for a cup).
I actually felt a little tipsy from the alcohol though and that’s rare considering I can’t really metabolize alcohol (stupid genetics). Was a nice night full of fulfilling conversation and interesting stories. Planning to do it again next week with Summerlicious starting today (it’s an event where pricier restaurants make affordable menus for us less fortunate folk).

Went out for lunch with people in my lab today. Had udon in this fairly small shop. And although I had to leave before they finished making our takoyaki, I thoroughly enjoyed the lunch.
Udon brings good memories.
Like the festival from Japanese school.
Like the really good udon place in Hawaii we all fell in love with.
Like having hotpot with family.
Really warms my heart.
So I’m happy.

82 – Owwieee.

Had a *really* painful migraine today. It started late last night so I took some tylenol and when I woke up this morning, it was back. So much throbbing. So hard to think. Ow. I’m not a fan of headaches or nausea and when the two are combined and amplified it’s even worse. I think it was triggered by my motion sickness yesterday (took a really long ride on buses and I’m really bad with being in buses/cars/planes for a long period of time). Not sure. Could just be hormones if it’s nearing that time of the month.

Wanted to hang out with a friend but things didn’t work out. Which is fine considering how I felt like the entire world was spinning. I didn’t want to take more painkillers so I slept it off…for about four hours. Not the best way to spend the day, but sometimes rest is the only way to get rid of a migraine. It was still throbbing a little when I woke up from that nap, but it was better.

It didn’t help that I had a really vivid dream last night – and it turned really ugly really fast. It’s never good to have an argument with someone in your dream – especially when you’re the type of person that hates conflict.

I’m going to stay positive and hope that tomorrow will be better than today – not that it was completely awful, just not very good.

—

I’m finding that it’s not always easy to make someone else happy. You can try to be positive. You can tell them to be positive. You can tell them to talk to you, to chat the problems away, but you can only do so much if they don’t know what they want. It’s hard to help someone that won’t be helped. Or someone that’s mad at you. That too. I’m not sure what it is. But it’s frustrating. Especially when you’re not having the best day either. I want them to be happy. To end the day with a grin on their face. But sometimes, life doesn’t work that day. All I can do is end the day with a smile on my own face and hope that someday with enough support, that can happen to them too. Am I making any sense? Probably not. Probably too vague…but I don’t want to dwell on it or give in to the details. I’ll keep on looking forward.

Sadly, I can’t put the happiness tag on this post. Today was lacking in that emotion. Maybe tomorrow!

what her face doesn’t show

For my mom. I love you.

 

she is beautiful

a goddess

used to be heaven in a home

her arms the most familiar sanctuary

and her words

a calming song

 

she is the warm scent of

freshly baked cookies

the sweet taste

of a snack before dinnertime

she is the sense of satisfaction

when you finish something for the first time

knitting a scarf

playing a piano piece

riding a roller coaster

learning how to swim when you can barely float

visiting somewhere mysterious and unknown

she is home

 

she is a watcher

but she is also honesty

not hesitating to tell you

whether you’ve done well

or wrong

she is your coach in life

lesson after lesson

shaping your world

but not your path

because no one can keep you

from where you want to go

 

we take her for granted

love her when we feel like it

rebel against her rules

because that’s what everyone else seems to do

we don’t bother to take a minute to know

what her face doesn’t show

 

her worries

her doubts

the dreams she left behind

when she gave it up for you

her wishes

her regrets

her reluctance to let you grow up

and the bittersweet feeling that comes with it

 

we only see what we want to see

she is nice

when she supports us in reaching for the stars

she is mean

when she is strict and sets rules to protect us

she is annoying

when she misses the little you that used to tell her every little thing

she is wonderful

when she does things you’re too lazy to do yourself

 

and never once do you miss a beat

consider who she used to be

but know

if you never throw

that pebble into the pond

you’ll never see it ripple

and know

that if you never ask

you’ll never know

what her face doesn’t show

76

I’m *super* tired so this will be a fairly short post.

I’m a little worried about my transition back to UBC, but I know that whatever happens will happen and there’s little I can do about it (except maybe move back to Toronto) and it is meaningless to worry about it. Nevertheless, it is human nature to worry. It could be problematic. It could be smooth. I don’t know yet. And few people are comfortable with uncertainty (and I’m not one of them!).

Bought two new indie games from Steam…although I probably should stop glancing at all the summer sales or else I might end up buying more than I’ll actually play. Video games are fun – they push the limits of our imagination and bring the imagined into reality (well, virtual reality, but reality nonetheless) and I’ll defend them to the end. It’s nice to just travel into another world and explore somewhere not tainted but the normality of everyday life. That is not to say that it’s not fun to just enjoy spending time outside, playing sports or relaxing in a cafe. It’s just a different kind of experience. It’s a lot like an interactive movie – you can control where you go, what you do, and the actions and decision you make along a guided plot. I’m a real fan of creative output – movies, books, art, and even video games definitely fall into that category. Anyone that thinks graphic design and digital art isn’t as valuable as classical painting can go shove a paintbrush in their mouth (though not really, don’t do it, some paints are toxic).

I’m starting a new job soon…which will be more or less my first one. It’s definitely time for me to gain some independence and some experience in the working world. I know a lot of people that hate work and only a handful of people that love what they do. And I think that’s a shame. You shouldn’t be doing something you don’t love. I know some tasks can be fun at first and repetitive after doing it over and over, but I think there is a certain satisfaction from working hard and becoming good at your job that no one can take away from you. It doesn’t matter how small your task is, if it’s significant to you then you’ve already won.

I’ve been having horrid dreams lately and I hope this trend stops soon. I want the nice sweet dreams to come back – the ones where I’m exploring some magical world or battling creatures alongside my friends. Or even a nice simple one with people I love and good food. I think maybe I’m just having a bad year of dreams…Hopefully they’ll be gone as the season changes into a full blast of summer. I love summer, it’s my favourite season because nothing feels better than a nice beam of sunlight warming up your skin. It’s comforting, inspiring and makes the world beautiful around you. Plus it’s the season for all kinds of foods…and cool drinks…

Be happy. Take hold of your own bit of sunshine and don’t let anyone take it away from you. ‘Cause we all deserve to wake up every morning with a smile on our faces, with a reason to live everyday to its fullest.

66

Awoke from two nightmares last night and this morning and I must say I’m genuinely disturbed by the images that my brain is projecting in my head. True, I did fall asleep amidst the middle of reading Maddadam, but these frightening dreams had little to do with genetically modified animals or post-apocalyptic scenarios.

I have been having nightmares quite often in the past month or so – I’m hoping it’s a passing phase rather than permanent visitor into my lifestyle. I like having dreams – I love being able to relive vivid details or to revisit certain worlds in my mind, I love being able to fantasize about world not like ours. But I’m afraid that if this carries on, the only thing I’ll be looking forward to is the escape – waking up and running away from said worlds.

People along a Freudian line of perspective would tell me that my dreams are giving me a message – revealing my inner fears or reflecting the turmoil and stress in my heart…Or perhaps even a sign of psychological illness. I suppose there must be some truth in this analysis as  I don’t believe dreaming is meaningless, but I also don’t believe the dreaming has a direct and correlational connection with reality. Dreams are dreams. We fantasize. We build goals from them. We explore ourselves and our nature in them. But they are not us. They do not dictate who we are or what we’re feeling. Dreams are the stage, and we, independent from it, are the actors.

Just last year, I was often dreaming and waking up laughing or smiling. I can’t help but yearn to have those dreams come back to me. It’s like they’ve simply vanished from the palm of my hands. They were so close and still so vivid in my memories…but I fear that they are slowly being replaced by this onslaught of nightmares. I must admit that I am scared.

Sigh. Let this all pass with time; for time is the ocean that washes all away.For now, I shall escape here. Writing will provide me some protection against the horror of surreality.

Nocturnal

I have always felt an affinity at night,

A glowing emotion in the absence of light

He occupies my heart and offers me peace,

These delectable hours when troubles decrease.

 

This softness escorts me even as I head towards sleep,

But I have dreams to explore and secrets to keep,

In the morning, he vanishes as if we weren’t meant to be,

But I know in my heart, he’ll return gallantly.

 

Just what is he? And how has he come to be by my side?

The answer to that, only the night can provide.

Won’t you let me in?

hey darling, won’t you let me in?

it’s cold out here

i can’t see through the fog

it’s lonely in the dark

and the sadness

the sadness

will not leave my heart

 

hey darling, will you hold my hand?

the monsters that i fear

lurk within my dreams

the monsters

the monsters

don’t leave me with the monsters

 

hey darling, am i welcome in your arms?

the world seems too big

too full of darkness and demons

too secret, too sharp

it’s safer here

where you are

i am safer in your arms.