Insight 

We fall apart

In our dreams

Another step

Or so it seems

I can’t define

These feelings of mine

A void beneath

No bridge to cross

All that remains

Is but a loss.

 

Sunlight bursting

Through the clouds

I question why

We’re not allowed

These limits lie there

Stretched so thin

Find the power

That comes within

Tomorrow is a promise

I won’t forget

Beyond the shadows

No regrets.

walls of gray

broken down by my inadequacy

I don’t know how to face it anymore

they say nothing

but I feel it by exclusion

I no longer pretend to feel welcome

beyond those doors

though I struggle to accept

this hollow state of mind.

 

I keep on pushing through

just a few more months

one week at a time

but it’s really all too much

even my best efforts

to numb these currents down

are fruitless

I lie shattered

broken and weathered

unable to pick myself up

unable to hold on

to that sliver of hope

and so I find myself engulfed

entranced in inhibition

privy to these crushing thoughts.

 

I cannot see the horizon

beyond these walls of gray.

our roaring hearts

beneath these cool gray skies

we lie bewildered

searching for a catalyst

to transform our lives

bring us closer to our dreams

to weather away our faults

and forge the way into our future.

 

we fall in line

to the rhythm of our resolve

beating gently beneath the earth

ever so constant

and determined

it guides us ever forward.

 

we march towards the horizon of promises

that we swore we would never let go of

even if the world goes dark

we will not forget

the path that got us here

with our ambitions etched into the walls

with our hearts roaring above the noise

we will emerge

triumphant.

I miss you, my monster.

It’s funny how in some of my darkest moments I do not seek comforting words nor kind embraces, but instead yearn deeply for a fiery anguish that I once fought against. I never wanted to be by your side when I was forced into your hands. I never did like you all too much when you were the biggest thorn in my life. I’m still not quite sure I like you now. Still, strangely enough, I miss you.

I’ve always thought of you as a monster: dark, and filled with all the frustrations I compounded within you; hollow, with no possible understanding of all the sorrow that I was consumed with; terrifying, because I always running away. So I’ll continue to call you monster.

Without me, you were worthless. With you, I was the one that felt that way. I felt like there were impassable barriers  – that I just didn’t have the talent to become your master. There was so much I wanted to express, but I never found the right notes to do just that. Always, always, I felt an insurmountable desire to give up. Always, always, I was forced back into your hand. I despised the redundancy of repeating the same melodies over and over, memorizing the movements as if I were just a machine. I just wanted to play new things all the time, but I knew that would get me nowhere.

Though sometimes, nowhere was okay. Nowhere was a safe place to be. I would slam the keys and cry my heart out, realigning the hard-pressed edges of my life. I would release every angry thought in a flurry of chords played fortissimo, pressing down the pedal so that everything meshed into one amalgamation of harshness. It was best when the house was empty, when I could immerse myself in some desperate melody. Though sometimes I just didn’t care, even if everybody outside could hear this disgraceful use of an instrument. Maybe a part of me wanted everyone else to see you for the monster that you were. The monster that you still are in my mind – because the memories never fade.

As much as I hated you then, I miss you now. I miss the sensation of release, of mindlessly pouring out my emotions as if you could absorb all the terrible things that I was feeling. I wish you were here in this cold, callous city to warm me with frenzied passion. I wish you were here to allure me to sleep with the gentle lullabies I always liked to play. I wish you were here to I could go through a stack of music and find solace in something more beautiful than I will ever create.

I…I have nothing more to say,

but I miss you.

A friend beyond the darkness.

Bitter times come flooding in,

Our hopes and dreams are growing thin,

Amongst the clouded skies and murky lies,

We find ourselves surrounded.

 

But even as doubt splatters like crimson paint

On the pavement of your dreams,

Do not despair.

Even as guilt engulfs you in its suffocating hold,

Do not give in.

Even as you struggle to fight off the demons lurking in every crevice,

Do not forget what hope feels like.

 

Tonight,

Look to the stars,

Find a calm that triumphs darkness,

Let it warm you and dry your tears,

Rinse away your greatest fears,

End this fruitless escapade,

Tear apart the barricade,

A special magic turns the tide,

Bringing life back to our side,

For even in the darkest times,

We’ll find a way to change our lives.

in deference to what I love

This journey has been hard, but I am not barred.

I know there is something more,

something I can’t yet see,

something beyond obscurity,

something just for me.

 

Pushing through the doubt and strain, I’ll gladly do it all again.

For all the faith that you bestowed

this is a path I can’t forego

this is the only path I know

and through the misery, I shall grow.

 

For the horizon really is not that far, closer and closer each day that we are.

This is the dream that I’ll never leave

a dream so compelling it keeps me awake

a dream that will test how much I can take

a dream of mine that nothing can break.

 

Because even from the very start

I have loved it with all my heart.

crescendo

For every second with you was absolutely brilliant, every moment imprinting on my heart. Days filled with laughter and sparkling enthusiasm for all that we were. Days we never wanted to end.


surprise and awe

feelings that come rushing back to me

when I remember the first time

that I saw you who you really were

 

taken aback

by your honest demeanour

you always spoke what was on your mind

and it was my pleasure to engage

in our miniature debates

though you always seemed to have the words

to answer my ripostes

a clever tongue and quick to speak

how could I not be captivated?

 

the summer sun paved the way

for the adventures we embarked on

from the soft sand beneath our feet

to the fireworks in the sky

with you, I came to realize

that the city that I had grown up in

was more delightful

than I had ever imagined

 

autumn came

with leaves in gentle drift

and the comfortable warming taste of chai

we watched in silence

as the glittering array of orange and gold

unravelled its beauty around us

 

under the veil of changing seasons

we found ourselves transformed

from our awkward beginnings

into the best of friends

those days I spent wishing

that it would never end.