140

Got a long day ahead of me tomorrow, but rather than thinking about it, I’d like to do a little reflecting.

Reading week went by so fast. Spent a lot of it playing league, sleeping, eating, and generally ignoring the whole ‘reading’ bit.

Went to the ROM with Alina last Tuesday. It felt really good to get lost in history, art, and really cool objects. I *love* dinosaurs. It’s fascinating to think about what the earth would be like if they never went extinct. Of course, we probably wouldn’t be around if so, but still. Dinosaurs. ❤

Well at least that’s one destination off my list. 🙂

Kind of wish I had done more studying during the break, but I also understand myself enough to know that it’s almost impossible to find myself doing work when I don’t have to be doing work.

Bad habit. Working on it. Kind of.

If I do badly on tomorrow’s assignment, I’ve got no one to blame but myself. Meh. I can live with that.

Found myself constantly refreshing the information page for the internship I really want for this summer. Got worried they weren’t going to be having any this year when I checked the interviewing period for last year. Sent an email to the person in charge and luckily, they responded with an indication that it will be happening this year. I know it’s bad practice to be placing all my bets on this one opportunity, but I really didn’t want to be doing research this summer. Worse comes to worse, I’ll go home for two months and take studying for my MCAT retake seriously.

Starting watching anime again recently – though I’ve been trying hard to stay away from ongoing series (they really take a toll on me via the constant anticipation and checking for new episodes). Did start watching Erased (boku dake ga inai machi). Liking it so far. Really hoping for the happy ending for the protagonist – he really deserves one. Will write my thoughts on the anime when it completes (only 5 more episodes according to the wiki).

Recently finished Gate (meh, too happy) and Mirai Nikki (main protagonist too cringefully stupid) and working on Another (scary, but interesting).

Also picked up Shingeki no Kyoujin (the manga) and The Gamer (the web series, tons of fun to read). The Attack on Titan plotline is so complicated that sometimes I get confused, but reading people’s theories on it have got me thinking and really wanting to read more. Apparently the author had decided to change his ending (which apparently was all the humans dying or something to that effect) since it was too depressing and unsatisfying to the readers. Will be interesting to see what he has decided to do in place of that.

I feel my inner otaku emerging after months of not really paying it much attention (and indulging in korean dramas in its place). Sometimes I feel like I should get some hobbies that don’t involve in lying in bed in front of a computer screen. Other times I feel like I should just be me.

Maybe I should find a balance. But that’s never easy. Will try anyway.

Oh. One more thing.

>Insert reminder here to write about some of the games I’ve really enjoyed over the past year.

Will probably do it after I finish Danganronpa so I can lump all my gaming reflections together.

Nothing makes me happier than finishing a really satisfying video game and I’d really like to get some of those thoughts down so I can look back on it years later as a good dose of happy nostalgia.

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138 – Throwback to happier times.

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There was a pin making station at Exam Jam today. I, of course, couldn’t resist making one.

Really filled me up with nostalgia.
Brought me back to my high school days.

To that time when I was volunteering for Marpole Community Day with Jibek and we made these silly spinning paintings and I got Nick and Patrick to make me a pin even though it was meant for kids and volunteers weren’t supposed to be making them (to be fair, they made some too…). Besides, we’re all kids on the inside, right? Well, at least I am.

Also brought back memories of that time when I was at the night market with Tiff/Cece/Win/May and we made a bunch of pins because there was nothing better to do there. Felt like we were kids again – kinda like how we were when we all got together in 1st grade.

Those were happy times.
Times when we could be carefree without the worries about our future.
Moments we could enjoy with the little that we had.
Moments that make life worth living.

These thoughts make me happy
A little homesick
But happy nonetheless.

I miss these moments and I miss the people I had them with.

But they will surely come again.
Because happiness is and will always be a driving force of our world.

119 – Oodles of Doodles of Happiness

I just think oodles is an adorable word.

Work was good today. I changed my procedure a bit so it can be done with minimal errors. It’s amazing the amount of technical expertise you can gain from google (not really, but I learned how to pipette ethers without losing half the quantity). The samples we ran yesterday have decent peaks so it seems like my sample prep is working. Just need to test it on lower concentrations now (*fingers crossed it works and I don’t have alter it again*).

Went to the sushi place by University and Dundas – the one I went to often last year when I was living at Chestnut. The sushi is cheap (4.99+tax! :D), service is fast, and the quality is decent for what I pay. Haven’t gone back there for months now, so I was surprised to see little paintings on their walls.

There were these little animals and pokemon under the takeout menu and they totally made my day. They’re the kind of critters I draw when I’m bored in class. Couldn’t resist taking pictures, of course. 🙂

Just got off the phone with my mom (not really, she said like two sentences to me before passing the phone to our family friend and then saying she’ll call me later cause her phone is running out of batteries), and feeling just a twinge of homesickness. Usually when family friends are visiting, that means a lot of good food. I’m. So. Missing. Good. Food. T_T

Other than that, I can’t really complain. I think I’m finally getting used to living here (like two years late, but whatever), but living here is definitely not preferable to back home.

As a little moment of the inner spoiled me speaking: I miss good internet and playing games on an actual computer and flaaffy my stuffed sheep and my mokona’s and playing on my wii and all my friends of course and weather that doesn’t change from hot to cold to hot again and trees, there just aren’t as many here and my family and the city itself….

Whew.

I’m glad I got that out.

94 – What would you do with your life if money wasn’t an issue?

Someone asked me that question the other day.

What would you do (as an occupation), if money wasn’t an issue?

I didn’t think twice about it and answered simply that I would still wish to be a doctor. Though in that case, it’s my GPA that’s the issue more so than money.

It really is something I want to do in my life. I know it’s a lot of work and it’s certainly going to be difficult and there’s no guarantee that I’ll even succeed. But that’s life. You just have to take things one step at time. And be happy – every step of the way.

It occurred me to just now though, that there actually may be things I’d be more inclined or more interested in. I mean, I don’t often go looking at research papers in my spare time nor do I often pursue things outside of class that would enrich my understanding of the sciences. I’ve always brushed it off as “I’m still young” which is only partially true. One of my friends in high school would often hours looking at x-rays or diagnoses, finding it to be of interest. It was eye-opening. You are never too young to get interested in scientific material; you are never too young for academia. Just when am I going to feel like “I’m old enough” or get to the point where studying medicinal or scientific research becomes an enriching hobby? Will I ever? I feel like this is something I have to modulate in my life. Maybe I’m just lacking a push to get me starting a whole new train of inspiring literature.

Personally though, I’ve always felt more drawn to artistic material. I find that scientific material l interesting to learn, but never satisfying in the same way as a really good story. There’s something so exciting in expression, in feeling a connection with an author whether it be in a painting, a comic, a short story, a novel, a movie, or an animation. It moves me. And I don’t think I’ll ever stop loving the arts. It’s the little things. It’s the feeling you get when you take ten or fifteen minutes to admire a piece of art while you were just passing by; it’s the sensation that runs through your veins when you reach an epiphany at the end of short film or story; it’s the tears that slide slowly down your face during that tragic moment after a climatic plot; it’s the smile on your face after something “really, really good”. I could never give these things up.

And I know I don’t have to. Just because I’m pursuing a career down a different path doesn’t mean I can’t keep these things in my life. So I will. Forever and always. Because they fulfill me. They are very much a part of who I am.

I think, if money wasn’t an issue, I’d be a indie game developer. I’d make games that both children and adults could enjoy. Games that inspire. Games that give you a tingling sensation of fulfillment. Because that’s what they did for me – ever since I was a little girl. They brought into my world, and I’d like to pass that feeling on. Maybe someday, when I have the resources to do so, I can make this dream come alive – share my passion with other people. Even if it touches just a few people, I would feel satisfied.

For now, I need to focus on school. Study hard. Pursue my passion for discovery and quench my curiosity in a different field. I think the key to finding my connection to a scientific field is to read. Reviews, articles, novel compilations of what’s happening in the world. I think, because reading is something I enjoy thoroughly, that I’ll find my inspiration in the words. Somewhere. Somehow.

———-

So. What would you do? If money wasn’t an issue?

81 – A really cute cafe.

Currently sitting in this really nice cafe (Tigers Drink House, find them on instagram!) near my mom’s workplace. Waiting for her to finish work but also really enjoying the atmosphere. Definitely a neat little cafe I wouldn’t mind hanging out with my friends at. The place is so uniquely decorated with hand-painted cups and plates and some interesting graffiti and paintings. Overall, a stunning creative milieu. Not to mention free wifi! Definitely a bonus.

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Wanted a Starbucks but this place serves just as well. Quite a tasty Chai latte as well. Mmmmm.
Hopefully I’ll be able to write a bit whilst I wait patiently (I don’t actually have any ugh!) for mom to finish her stuff.

I can imagine myself studying here. The seats are comfortable and the drinks match my tastes (not too sweet but full of flavour). Too bad I’ll be back in Toronto in a few weeks. Ugh. It’ll be okay though. I’m sure I’ll be able to find some nice quiet cafes there too.

Ah the air conditioning is amazing too on such a hot summer day. So happy right now even though I’m not home gaming away the day. All I need now is a cat to pet and life would be perfect.

Hope everyone is having an equally wonderful day 🙂

76

I’m *super* tired so this will be a fairly short post.

I’m a little worried about my transition back to UBC, but I know that whatever happens will happen and there’s little I can do about it (except maybe move back to Toronto) and it is meaningless to worry about it. Nevertheless, it is human nature to worry. It could be problematic. It could be smooth. I don’t know yet. And few people are comfortable with uncertainty (and I’m not one of them!).

Bought two new indie games from Steam…although I probably should stop glancing at all the summer sales or else I might end up buying more than I’ll actually play. Video games are fun – they push the limits of our imagination and bring the imagined into reality (well, virtual reality, but reality nonetheless) and I’ll defend them to the end. It’s nice to just travel into another world and explore somewhere not tainted but the normality of everyday life. That is not to say that it’s not fun to just enjoy spending time outside, playing sports or relaxing in a cafe. It’s just a different kind of experience. It’s a lot like an interactive movie – you can control where you go, what you do, and the actions and decision you make along a guided plot. I’m a real fan of creative output – movies, books, art, and even video games definitely fall into that category. Anyone that thinks graphic design and digital art isn’t as valuable as classical painting can go shove a paintbrush in their mouth (though not really, don’t do it, some paints are toxic).

I’m starting a new job soon…which will be more or less my first one. It’s definitely time for me to gain some independence and some experience in the working world. I know a lot of people that hate work and only a handful of people that love what they do. And I think that’s a shame. You shouldn’t be doing something you don’t love. I know some tasks can be fun at first and repetitive after doing it over and over, but I think there is a certain satisfaction from working hard and becoming good at your job that no one can take away from you. It doesn’t matter how small your task is, if it’s significant to you then you’ve already won.

I’ve been having horrid dreams lately and I hope this trend stops soon. I want the nice sweet dreams to come back – the ones where I’m exploring some magical world or battling creatures alongside my friends. Or even a nice simple one with people I love and good food. I think maybe I’m just having a bad year of dreams…Hopefully they’ll be gone as the season changes into a full blast of summer. I love summer, it’s my favourite season because nothing feels better than a nice beam of sunlight warming up your skin. It’s comforting, inspiring and makes the world beautiful around you. Plus it’s the season for all kinds of foods…and cool drinks…

Be happy. Take hold of your own bit of sunshine and don’t let anyone take it away from you. ‘Cause we all deserve to wake up every morning with a smile on our faces, with a reason to live everyday to its fullest.

53 – someone tell me that love still exists

loveI don’t think I’m ready yet to do this rant, but I’m going to go ahead and do it anyway. This will be deeply personal, somewhat pessimistic, and completely confusing.

I’ve always felt an unnatural attraction to love and to idea of love itself. It’s a wonderful emotion that drives me forward in life, keeps me up when I’m down, and gives me passion to do the things I want to do.

Yet, contrary to how much I treasure love, all I’ve seen around me are instances where love fades, where love breaks, and where love is left trailing after the ashes of a once vivacious flame.

Mom and dad. My life would be so different if that flame had not been blown away by an unstoppable current. I sometimes wonder if my mom fell in love with the wrong twin. My uncle is everything my dad isn’t. This rant is not about them, so I won’t reflect any further on this line of thought. This rant is for me.

My piano teacher. Last year, she changed the location of her studio from her parents’ house to the house of some man I had never met before. I know him now to be a decent guy, but back then, I had no idea about the circumstances of her and her family. I suppose I saw it coming. Knew something was wrong from the interactions between my teacher and this man. I talked to my best friend about it, since we’ve both known our piano teacher for a fair number of years. We both suspected an affair. It was denied outright of course.

The second sign came to me like a pebble to my face. I was coerced (somewhat) into tutoring her son or rather, simply watch him play piano and help him practice. He told me about the divorce. About how daddy was always unfair and never let him watch television. About how he didn’t like being home because there was nothing to do. I thought about how hard it was for me (although my parents are unfortunately not divorced despite the constant struggle). I thought about how much harder it is for him, being the older sibling and the older brother of an equally adorable kid. I wonder how my brother feels about our murky past? We never have any meaningful conversations.

In any case, they’re separated now. I don’t think it was an affair that led to it. I think it was simply two people whose love had ended. I’ve never approached the subject directly with my piano teacher and I suppose I’ve no right to be poking into her personal life. Looking back, I suppose I should’ve seen an even earlier sign…the way she asked about my parents was highly unusual.

My godmother (or at least what I think of her as). Let’s just call her M. I visited Hong Kong last summer to attend my grandfather’s funeral – something that this blog is scarred with as well. But that is not the focus of this rant. During my stay in HK, we met up with M quite a number of times. She’s quirky, kind, and completely obsessive about staying clean – something we reckoned had to do with her being a Virgo. M doesn’t have children – which I never really reflected upon until last summer when I discovered the reason why. She likes to spoil me with presents and gifts which I find hard to refuse because I like being spoiled. My mom makes me refuse the gifts sometimes though. I suppose that’s the correct response. One afternoon in that blaring July heat, we were sitting in a Dim Sum restaurant, drinking tea and eating lunch. At that point, I was extremely tired of having Dim Sum, because that’s all my mom seems to want to do when we visit Hong Kong. They sit there for hours just talking and talking and talking while I have nothing to do. I wish I could’ve hung out with my soulmate, but she was busy in school (they have school in July whyyy). I miss her. She got me a cute tote bag with all these doodly ladybugs on it. Wish I could’ve thanked her in person.

Anyway, distractions aside, this particular conversation between my mom and her friend (also a friend of M) caught my attention. It was before M had arrived. My Cantonese is considerably terrible, but I can listen and speak enough to get around in HK. At first, I twiddled away at my iPod, hoping that their conversation would just end so that I could go shopping or whatever it was that I wanted to do. Then something caught my attention. They started talking about M (RUDE, SHE WASN’T EVEN THERE). About how M’s husband had gotten another woman pregnant. I’ve never been one to be attracted to gossip, but this was certainly news to me. They continued to elaborate on how the other woman was asking for money and I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. I thought these things only happened in movies and soaps. Fortunately (or unfortunately?), money isn’t really a big problem for M and her husband since they own an accounting firm and a few estates. Nevertheless, for such an issue to affect someone I’ve always liked and cared about – it shocked me.

Then they shifted the conversation to the past, to the history of M’s suffering. To domestic violence. To how hard it is on M to keep him in check. To how it isn’t possible for M to conceive. I was fully in shock at this point. I had always liked M’s husband too since I felt like he understood me more than most people did. He was sensible with a good sense of humour and never seemed like the type to be too aggressive verbally…or physically. I guess appearances don’t mean everything.

I sighed in relief when they changed topics. I couldn’t look at M the same way when she walked in about a half hour later. I ate silently, contemplating what I had heard in my head.

My best friend (or one of, anyways). She recently broke up with her boyfriend. I thought he was nice, sweet, and perfect in many regards from athletics to academics. He also plays video games which attracted my interest in their relationship. I never did ask why they broke up – I was just relieved that it was her doing the heartbreaking…As terrible as that may sound, I don’t like my friends being hurt.

All around me, love is shattering, love is fading. Love feels like it doesn’t exist.

But I want to believe it does.

So much.

So badly.

But I’m afraid. That it’s all an illusion. That my infatuation with love will be the end of me. That I’ll lose myself in a dream.

Speaking of dreams, I haven’t been able to escape the vivid dreaming that’s been happening lately. I hope that ends soon too.

Someone tell me that love isn’t just a dream.

Someone tell me that love still exists.