It’s going to be okay.
I know that, but I can feel myself crashing.
I’m not sure those 12-hour Wednesdays were a great idea…but at least there’s only a couple of them left. I can get through this. Just have to be more prepared.
After just having recovered from a 5-day migraine (I didn’t even know they could last that long?), my period decides that it’s a great time to come along. It isn’t. It really isn’t. I don’t need 5 days of pain followed by more pain. Physical and emotional at that. I can’t really deal with all my feelings right now either.
Slept a lot over the weekend since I couldn’t really focus on anything with this awful migraine.
Been browsing the Nosleep subreddit. There are some really good horror stories. Just well written and captivating ones that have really led me to an appreciation for the genre as well as the subreddit. I used to read a lot when I was younger and mysteries/horror novels were a phase. I guess it’s come back to me.
Finished three midterms so far. They got sequentially worse. The first was alright. The second was tiring. The third was a straight up disaster. The third also happened to be the Chemistry one. As I continuous fall below my expectations in Chemistry courses, I’m beginning to doubt if I chose the right field of interest. Am I any good as a Chemist? Having doubts. Hopefully they’ll clear up as I study more.
I walked into that Chemistry midterm feeling ready.
I clearly wasn’t.
I thought I understood Molecular Orbital theory at a fundamental level. Enough to deal with diatomic molecules or molecules centred on one atom. Enough to do well on this mid-term.
Thinking about it now makes me realize that I probably failed that mid-term. A “legitimate” fail (<60).
I hope some kind of miracle happens.
We talked about Depression and Bipolar Disorder (Manic Depression) in our Abnormal Psychology class today. I didn’t learn anything that was completely new nor was it all that helpful towards my understanding of the mental disorders. But it wasn’t bad. We went over things slowly and thoroughly. I think so anyway.
Made me wonder if I really do have bipolar disorder. I know that if I do, it’s type II (hypomania & mostly depression). I know that it could also just be a matter of my hormones going up and down all the time (growth and menstruation). Time will tell. I know that I used to get depressed even before I hit adolescence. If it continues after I’ve matured a little more, then I’ll know. I don’t know if I should seek treatment.
Would treatment motivate me more? Would it make me happier to have a psychologist to talk to? Probably. For the most part, being able to write out my thoughts serves the same purpose. I don’t think I need therapy as much as I need support. I’d like friends that understand me. I also know that that requires me talking to more people and actively trying to make the effort to maintain my relationships. I’ve never had the motivation to do so. Never had the self-esteem in that regard – I don’t think I make a good friend.
Yes, I know. A change in attitude is in order.
I’ve also been quite homesick. The cold weather. Inches of snow. Static in my hair. Having to do everything on my own. It’s all been getting to me. Some days, all I feel like doing is giving up and staying in bed. It’s warm and safe in bed. But that would truly be a problem. That would be dysfunctional as my Abnormal Psych prof would put it. That’s abnormal. I would need help then.
Where has all my motivation gone?
I thought I had so much after writing my New Year’s Resolutions.
Maybe it’s just this horrid week.
Let’s make that attribution.
I don’t want to dwell on this.
I just want to get better.
I want to feel the hope rush back into me. I want to feel whole, I suppose as I definitely feel broken at the moment. I’m hoping that some relaxation this weekend will fix me up. I can’t relax too much as I do have another midterm coming up next week as well as some assignments. But I think I need to take the time and fix myself.
I’ve been struggling to find my smile in the midst of all this stress, gloom, pain, and fatigue. I know I will though. I know that there will be better days. I just wish that they would come quicker.