to die or to vivify

a soft flame flickers

on the boundary

between glorious hope

and absolute darkness

 

the faithful come

to pay their respects

they whisper a prayer

underneath their breaths

and disappear into the shadows

 

a storm stirs in the distance

and so we must wonder

if such a fragile illumination

will be able to bear

the onslaught

of the tempest.

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156 – The same monster with a different name.

I am feeling a lot better today in comparison to that awful morning. I realized that my writing down only negative feelings was not giving an accurate representation of the whole spectrum of my experiences. For my own sake, I’d like to reflect on the after, on how I move through my depression (and now my anxiety). Continue reading

155 – I’m terrified.

Just woke up from a nightmare and had my very first anxiety attack. I couldn’t stop crying. I couldn’t stop hyperventilating. And I couldn’t stop these intrusive, debilitating thoughts from re-entering my head.

I tried to close my eyes and will myself to go back to sleep, but the nightmare just got more and more vivid. I felt worse and worse until it spiralled out of control.

I’m still in shock this just happened. It wasn’t even real. These feelings are completely out of proportion. And I’m scared. I don’t know how to stop this from happening again. I feel it’s going to come back any second. And I don’t know how to manage it.

Just when I thought I was safe again, a new monster appears. I surrender. Please leave me alone.

A friend beyond the darkness.

Bitter times come flooding in,

Our hopes and dreams are growing thin,

Amongst the clouded skies and murky lies,

We find ourselves surrounded.

 

But even as doubt splatters like crimson paint

On the pavement of your dreams,

Do not despair.

Even as guilt engulfs you in its suffocating hold,

Do not give in.

Even as you struggle to fight off the demons lurking in every crevice,

Do not forget what hope feels like.

 

Tonight,

Look to the stars,

Find a calm that triumphs darkness,

Let it warm you and dry your tears,

Rinse away your greatest fears,

End this fruitless escapade,

Tear apart the barricade,

A special magic turns the tide,

Bringing life back to our side,

For even in the darkest times,

We’ll find a way to change our lives.

broken pieces on the ground

it’s been a long, long time

but I feel your return

a shadow rising from my past

a dreadful defiler

 

you’ve poisoned my heart

into feeling worthless and empty

but I know that is wrong

I know that every life is priceless

and that this feeling too will pass

 

but the numbness feels inescapable

and I’m anxious every moment

triggered by my own inability

I’m lost and left behind

 

every attempt to break free

from this isle of desolation

seems futile from the start

and thoughts that never got to me

are echoing in my ears

 

my confidence has shattered

broken pieces on the ground

and I fear for the worst

I fear that they’ll never again be found

 

I feel stupid

weak

incapable of doing well

in the things I’ve always loved

and slowly

I’m suffocating

in thinking that

I’m just not good enough

 

I’m trying my best

to build myself back up

but damn is it hard

to look at the shining face of happiness

when it seems like something I don’t deserve

 

it’s going to be okay

like the hundreds of times before

it’s going to be okay

I’ll make it through this once more.

Stifled

an inescapable numbness

building upon my heart

devouring me from the inside

and tearing me apart

feeling choked

a little short of breath

and instead of light and laughter

all I feel is death

 

the death of my future

slowly slipping away

the death of my self esteem

I tossed out yesterday

and the wretched hold of emptiness

rising from the grave

 

my armor’s torn

my glaive worn

and beneath the layers of heavy rust

my resolve lies crumbled in the dust

 

you can’t escape

you can’t escape

the demons whisper in my ear

as they crawl past my defenses

and colour me in fear.

129 – feeling close to breaking down

Trying my best to hold onto the good moments, but it’s getting harder and harder to feel okay. 

My experiments have been put on hold until the technicians come by to check on the machine and the LC valve is repaired. Found out that the dansylation was somehow decreasing the detection of the hormones – AD in particular. Sigh.

Getting worried that this project won’t be completed in time. Then I’ll have nothing to show for the summer or for the poster presentation I have to do. Considering taking a new project.  But I don’t know what I’m capable of.

I’m behind on my MCAT studying.  No surprise there.  But I know I can pull through if there wasn’t so much else on my mind. Need to get through Bio this weekend. Should be stuff I already know.

My period’s here. Late again (was also last month). And my abdomen is bloated everytime prior (which makes me freak out about the fact that I’m getting fat). It may be an ovarian cyst (but not necessarily, since google diagnoses are not very accurate). Which means I should get it checked out. *Reminder to make an appointment for next week.* Wonder if it’s stress induced.
This city is poison.

And of course to make matters worse, there are bed bugs in my room.  Woke up yesterday morning to a whole line of bite marks on my arm. They don’t hurt or itch,  but they’re very noticeable.
So that means I have to spend this weekend cleaning (on top of considering an exterminator). And it’ll probably take me longer than the average person as I am deathly and irrationally terrified of bugs to the point that i just freeze in fear for a good five minutes when I see them scurrying around (literally the way I handed the ant situation last summer back home…in addition to freaking out and calling my mom home from work). It goes without saying that this alone is enough to drive me into a weeping mess. But I’m trying not to let it consume me. Will be sleeping over at my boyfriend’s until it’s safe.

Got a birthday party to attend tomorrow (drinking probably implied).  That plus the cleaning plus my 10hrs of work means my weekend is fairly obliterated.  How I will find the time to study is beyond me. An all-nighter seems inevitable.

Lastly, feeling incredibly homesick.
I don’t think any number of years living here will make me call Toronto home.
So I wish for the strength I need to get me home.

It feels like there are a million things weighing on my mind. It’s crushing. Making it hard to hold on to brighter things (food, friends, love, and gaming).
Which is such a shame. Since I’ve been focusing so hard on happiness and been feeling so lighthearted. So much that I haven’t paid much notice to my depression.
But sometimes all it takes is a trigger to bring it all crashing.
Just one little thing. Or in this case, a million.