A friend beyond the darkness.

Bitter times come flooding in,

Our hopes and dreams are growing thin,

Amongst the clouded skies and murky lies,

We find ourselves surrounded.

 

But even as doubt splatters like crimson paint

On the pavement of your dreams,

Do not despair.

Even as guilt engulfs you in its suffocating hold,

Do not give in.

Even as you struggle to fight off the demons lurking in every crevice,

Do not forget what hope feels like.

 

Tonight,

Look to the stars,

Find a calm that triumphs darkness,

Let it warm you and dry your tears,

Rinse away your greatest fears,

End this fruitless escapade,

Tear apart the barricade,

A special magic turns the tide,

Bringing life back to our side,

For even in the darkest times,

We’ll find a way to change our lives.

broken pieces on the ground

it’s been a long, long time

but I feel your return

a shadow rising from my past

a dreadful defiler

 

you’ve poisoned my heart

into feeling worthless and empty

but I know that is wrong

I know that every life is priceless

and that this feeling too will pass

 

but the numbness feels inescapable

and I’m anxious every moment

triggered by my own inability

I’m lost and left behind

 

every attempt to break free

from this isle of desolation

seems futile from the start

and thoughts that never got to me

are echoing in my ears

 

my confidence has shattered

broken pieces on the ground

and I fear for the worst

I fear that they’ll never again be found

 

I feel stupid

weak

incapable of doing well

in the things I’ve always loved

and slowly

I’m suffocating

in thinking that

I’m just not good enough

 

I’m trying my best

to build myself back up

but damn is it hard

to look at the shining face of happiness

when it seems like something I don’t deserve

 

it’s going to be okay

like the hundreds of times before

it’s going to be okay

I’ll make it through this once more.

Stifled

an inescapable numbness

building upon my heart

devouring me from the inside

and tearing me apart

feeling choked

a little short of breath

and instead of light and laughter

all I feel is death

 

the death of my future

slowly slipping away

the death of my self esteem

I tossed out yesterday

and the wretched hold of emptiness

rising from the grave

 

my armor’s torn

my glaive worn

and beneath the layers of heavy rust

my resolve lies crumbled in the dust

 

you can’t escape

you can’t escape

the demons whisper in my ear

as they crawl past my defenses

and colour me in fear.

129 – feeling close to breaking down

Trying my best to hold onto the good moments, but it’s getting harder and harder to feel okay. 

My experiments have been put on hold until the technicians come by to check on the machine and the LC valve is repaired. Found out that the dansylation was somehow decreasing the detection of the hormones – AD in particular. Sigh.

Getting worried that this project won’t be completed in time. Then I’ll have nothing to show for the summer or for the poster presentation I have to do. Considering taking a new project.  But I don’t know what I’m capable of.

I’m behind on my MCAT studying.  No surprise there.  But I know I can pull through if there wasn’t so much else on my mind. Need to get through Bio this weekend. Should be stuff I already know.

My period’s here. Late again (was also last month). And my abdomen is bloated everytime prior (which makes me freak out about the fact that I’m getting fat). It may be an ovarian cyst (but not necessarily, since google diagnoses are not very accurate). Which means I should get it checked out. *Reminder to make an appointment for next week.* Wonder if it’s stress induced.
This city is poison.

And of course to make matters worse, there are bed bugs in my room.  Woke up yesterday morning to a whole line of bite marks on my arm. They don’t hurt or itch,  but they’re very noticeable.
So that means I have to spend this weekend cleaning (on top of considering an exterminator). And it’ll probably take me longer than the average person as I am deathly and irrationally terrified of bugs to the point that i just freeze in fear for a good five minutes when I see them scurrying around (literally the way I handed the ant situation last summer back home…in addition to freaking out and calling my mom home from work). It goes without saying that this alone is enough to drive me into a weeping mess. But I’m trying not to let it consume me. Will be sleeping over at my boyfriend’s until it’s safe.

Got a birthday party to attend tomorrow (drinking probably implied).  That plus the cleaning plus my 10hrs of work means my weekend is fairly obliterated.  How I will find the time to study is beyond me. An all-nighter seems inevitable.

Lastly, feeling incredibly homesick.
I don’t think any number of years living here will make me call Toronto home.
So I wish for the strength I need to get me home.

It feels like there are a million things weighing on my mind. It’s crushing. Making it hard to hold on to brighter things (food, friends, love, and gaming).
Which is such a shame. Since I’ve been focusing so hard on happiness and been feeling so lighthearted. So much that I haven’t paid much notice to my depression.
But sometimes all it takes is a trigger to bring it all crashing.
Just one little thing. Or in this case, a million.

still we play

a crushing sense

of instability

tormented rationality

and

a sliver of

hope.

 

some days I feel triumph

beating in my heart

and other days

misery is

lurking in the dark

 

I’m just trying to make sense of it all

‘cause all of this

feels like a game

but I’m the one

being played

and I think I lost this

before the first move was even made

 

but still we play

as every move

brings us closer

to the brink

of insanity

and though every day

feels like a mistake

 

still we play

‘cause sometimes

just playing the game

brings satisfaction

in some unexpected way

and sometimes

it brings realizations

that change

the way

we play

 

and still we play

because if

the game is not static

then neither

is the outcome

and

we

don’t

always

have

to

be

the losers

 

and we’ll never stop playing

through all the pain

and all the doubts

because there has to be a way

we just haven’t found it yet

 

so we’ll continue

just.

like.

this.

 

brushing away the hate

denying evil their win

escorting negativity

out of our hearts

and clearing a space

for light to seep in

and finding out

that our ace

is none other

than the love that lies within.

101 – Recovering from a bad week.

It’s going to be okay.

I know that, but I can feel myself crashing.

I’m not sure those 12-hour Wednesdays were a great idea…but at least there’s only a couple of them left. I can get through this. Just have to be more prepared.

After just having recovered from a 5-day migraine (I didn’t even know they could last that long?), my period decides that it’s a great time to come along. It isn’t. It really isn’t. I don’t need 5 days of pain followed by more pain. Physical and emotional at that. I can’t really deal with all my feelings right now either.

Slept a lot over the weekend since I couldn’t really focus on anything with this awful migraine.

Been browsing the Nosleep subreddit. There are some really good horror stories. Just well written and captivating ones that have really led me to an appreciation for the genre as well as the subreddit. I used to read a lot when I was younger and mysteries/horror novels were a phase. I guess it’s come back to me.

Finished three midterms so far. They got sequentially worse. The first was alright. The second was tiring. The third was a straight up disaster. The third also happened to be the Chemistry one. As I continuous fall below my expectations in Chemistry courses, I’m beginning to doubt if I chose the right field of interest. Am I any good as a Chemist? Having doubts. Hopefully they’ll clear up as I study more.

I walked into that Chemistry midterm feeling ready.

I clearly wasn’t.

I thought I understood Molecular Orbital theory at a fundamental level. Enough to deal with diatomic molecules or molecules centred on one atom. Enough to do well on this mid-term.

Thinking about it now makes me realize that I probably failed that mid-term. A “legitimate” fail (<60).

I hope some kind of miracle happens.

We talked about Depression and Bipolar Disorder (Manic Depression) in our Abnormal Psychology class today. I didn’t learn anything that was completely new nor was it all that helpful towards my understanding of the mental disorders. But it wasn’t bad. We went over things slowly and thoroughly. I think so anyway.

Made me wonder if I really do have bipolar disorder. I know that if I do, it’s type II (hypomania & mostly depression). I know that it could also just be a matter of my hormones going up and down all the time (growth and menstruation). Time will tell. I know that I used to get depressed even before I hit adolescence. If it continues after I’ve matured a little more, then I’ll know. I don’t know if I should seek treatment.

Would treatment motivate me more? Would it make me happier to have a psychologist to talk to? Probably. For the most part, being able to write out my thoughts serves the same purpose. I don’t think I need therapy as much as I need support. I’d like friends that understand me. I also know that that requires me talking to more people and actively trying to make the effort to maintain my relationships. I’ve never had the motivation to do so. Never had the self-esteem in that regard – I don’t think I make a good friend.

Yes, I know. A change in attitude is in order.

It’ll come.

Hopefully.

I’ve also been quite homesick. The cold weather. Inches of snow. Static in my hair. Having to do everything on my own. It’s all been getting to me. Some days, all I feel like doing is giving up and staying in bed. It’s warm and safe in bed. But that would truly be a problem. That would be dysfunctional as my Abnormal Psych prof would put it. That’s abnormal. I would need help then.

Where has all my motivation gone?

I thought I had so much after writing my New Year’s Resolutions.

Maybe it’s just this horrid week.

Let’s make that attribution.

I don’t want to dwell on this.

I just want to get better.

I want to feel the hope rush back into me. I want to feel whole, I suppose as I definitely feel broken at the moment. I’m hoping that some relaxation this weekend will fix me up. I can’t relax too much as I do have another midterm coming up next week as well as some assignments. But I think I need to take the time and fix myself.

I’ve been struggling to find my smile in the midst of all this stress, gloom, pain, and fatigue. I know I will though. I know that there will be better days. I just wish that they would come quicker.

Trigger

A small drop of resentmemt
Rippled through a lake of tranquility
Amplified to every corner
Leaving no trace untouched

And with it came shadows
Resurrecting ghosts from the past
Tearing down the stronghold
Every fragment bigger than the last

Every effort to contain it
Consumed in its dark blaze
Every hope conquered
Depression is a blade

Purification is a slow process
And takes courage to employ
Sometimes it can’t recover
The pieces once destroyed

Obliteration of the soul
Emotions take their toll
And I feel my dreams shaking
Slowly, slowly breaking.