120

Feeling weary and tired.

No doubt due to numerous nightmares I had last night.

Sometimes I wish I didn’t dream so vividly.

To make matters worse, I had decaf coffee this morning (I wanted to try it). It tastes better. But doesn’t give me the zing of energy I get from regular coffee. I didn’t even get much of a placebo effect (probably because I knew it was decaf and that only works when you think it’s regular coffee). I think I’ll stick with regular coffee. The caffeine is what has me hooked on the stuff – not the taste.

Anxious about my presentation on Thursday. I don’t know if what I have is even presentable material. It feels too simple. I feel like I’ll just get a “Oh, good” reaction rather than an “Ah, cool!”. I could live with that. I guess.

Was vortexing my samples when I noticed a drawer labelled “Fried chicken and watermelon”. It’s nice to know that whoever was making labels for these drawers has a good sense of humour. Maybe FCW stands for something. Not sure.

Wasn't even kidding.

Wasn’t even kidding.

I did check inside the drawers though. No fried chicken nor watermelon. Only some petri dishes and fluoropel. Yeah, not so exciting.

Can’t wait to get home and snuggle in my bed. Rain always makes me want to just curl up and read a book. Awful weather lately (thunderstorm last night resulted in subway delays this morning). Actually, screw “lately”, awful weather all the time in Toronto.

Welp. Just gotta make do.

110

So I’m officially the Treasurer for the CSU (Chemistry Student Union). Yay. That NY resolution is achieved. So I can cross another one off the list. 🙂

No one was running against me, so I automatically got the position. Which is both a relief as it meant I didn’t need to be anxious about public speaking and a disappointment at the same time as it means there were fewer people running this year. There was still a fair number of people there listening to speeches and running for other positions so it means we weren’t entirely unsuccessful this year. Maybe we just chose a bad time for the elections. Hmm.

I’ve been feeling really moody lately. Agitated. Irritated over little things. Part of me believes it is due to the fact that my period is coming around soon (it should have been here today…?). Another part of me believes it’s another part of a mental disorder I may have. A third part thinks that it’s just normal. Moods change constantly – it doesn’t necessarily have to mean a thing (could just be a shift in hormones, the weather, the air). But it’s been a good three days in which I’ve been feeling like this. At least I’m not sleeping for abnormal periods of time anymore. My internal clock’s working a bit better (meaning I’m definitely not depressed).

Spring is finally here. It was raining today. Felt bittersweet. Back home, it’d be like any other day. Here, it’s a rare occurrence and one that I Don’t particularly mind. It’s relaxing. Listening to the sound of the rain against the bus windows. Against the pavement. Against the roof above your head. Which is probably why I’m writing this entry (it’s not raining anymore, but the rain does get me into a writing mood).

On a different note, one I haven’t touched on in a while…I finished reading Liar Game. It was, for the longest time, my favourite manga of all time. It touched my psyche and intellectual interest in a way that no other manga ever had. I say, it was, because the ending left me quite unsatisfied. I was necessarily unsatisfied with how it ended, but rather how rushed it was. It got me thinking, “I waited 5 years for the manga to finish, for this?” The last arc was disappointing and lacked the same amount of finesse that Kaitani Shinobu-sensei brought to the other arcs. I understand that sometimes series are rushed to a finish (due to loss of fan base or pressure from the publishing company), but there was so much potential in the manga. I loved it so much that I guess I would’ve been unhappy with anything less than perfect – it was an okay end. Not the worst possible way to end it, but it wasn’t done well. Ugh. Thinking of all the series I abandoned five years ago and that are completed now and are waiting for me to finish, I’m feeling anxious. I don’t want to be disappointed again. I think the main one I’m concerned about is Dengeki Daisy. Another manga that blew me away six years ago. I need to finish it.

To be perfectly honest, my compulsion towards wasting away my time on the computer doesn’t seem very healthy. I spend a ridiculous amount of time playing video games, reading manga, and now I’ve proceeded to an increased interest in watching TV shows (House, Survivor, Masterchef). I think I need to let go of everything for a while. Not necessarily right at this moment, but I think I need to pick a week for which I don’t touch any of these things. Live outside the computer screen for a while. I think I’ll start when my exams begin. See how it goes. Lessen my addictive nature because I know I am biologically prone to addictions (especially gaming ones).

I was all over the place with this entry.

But it feels right to me.

It feels like me.

Jumbled, erratic, contemplating, reflective.

Yeah.

I should get going.

87 – I TAKE IT BACK

GOSH DARN IT TORONTO.  A LIGHT SHOWER IS NICE AND CALMING BUT A FREAKING RAIN STORM? I THOUGHT I LEFT THAT KIND OF THING BEHIND.

I SHOULD’VE KNOWN AS A VANCOUVERITE TO ALWAYS BRING AN UMBRELLA. NEVER AGAIN WILL I FORGET (UNLESS I DO, BECAUSE THAT’S SOMETHING I CAN’T CONTROL).

RUNNING THROUGH THE RAIN TRYING NOT TO GET YOUR NOTES SOAKED OR HAVE YOUR ELECTRONICS BE DAMAGED IS HARD WORK FOR SOMEONE AS UNFIT AS ME.

HUFF HUFF.

STUPID CITY.

I’m okay.

68 – I want to go home.

I thought I could do it. But I guess I extended my wings a little too early. I think it’s time to call it quits. Back to the nest.

I am losing me. Losing friends and not really gaining any. Losing my writing. My love of art and words and the combination of the two. I have lost the flavours I once loved and indulged in, the freedom I once wielded in my hands.

The city is killing me. Inside and out. My body feels weaker with everyday. Sick. Again. and again. and again. I value health over happiness and I want to be healthy again. I’m not sure that happiness is to be found here anyway.

I miss my old city. The mild weather, the rain. It’s funny, but I really do miss the rain. Miss hearing the clatter of it against the windows. Miss losing myself in wanderlust, in the droplets against the glass.

But I have learned something being here. And regained something too. I have learned that happiness is completely in the grasp of one’s own mind, that no one dictates how I feel besides me. Time away from family has taught me that. Here, I don’t have anyone else’s expectations to worry about – just mine. Just self standards. I have regained my love of reading and that is something I am utmost grateful for. I can once again lose myself again – I can find myself in another city, another time, among another group of people. I have discovered, once again, a different kind of freedom that I had thought only existed in the mind of a child’s imagination. But it appears I was incredibly wrong. Books are timeless, ageless – they maintain a sparkle of magic that can be activated by any mind. I love that.

I will write more. I have been so wishy-washy with my feelings of wanting to blog more and then end up not doing it. Everyday doesn’t seem to be happening, but I will try for more. More. One step at a time, I suppose.

I want to go home.

13 – Silence and Rain

I’m the kind of writer that likes to write in complete and utter silence.

That is, if you don’t count the hum of my laptop as a sound.

Or, I use my thirty minute version of RainyMood to help me process my thoughts. My friends think it’s weird. I agree. Though RainyMood does make any sad song sound sadder when you play the two together. Try it. (:

It rains a lot where I live so I really don’t need to use it that often.

Where’s the snow?

I know that a lot of my friends simply cannot work without music and they feel an urge to turn some on when there isn’t any. I find that I can’t use music for anything except the most tedious of tasks. Like cleaning, work, etc. I prefer silence and rain when it comes to creativity. Ideas just flow faster this way.

I’m not quite sure where I’m trying to go with this, but I guess I’m curious…do you prefer working with loud, soft, or no music?

Do comment and let me know if you read this.

 

 

—tumblr: just something I support.