Insight 

We fall apart

In our dreams

Another step

Or so it seems

I can’t define

These feelings of mine

A void beneath

No bridge to cross

All that remains

Is but a loss.

 

Sunlight bursting

Through the clouds

I question why

We’re not allowed

These limits lie there

Stretched so thin

Find the power

That comes within

Tomorrow is a promise

I won’t forget

Beyond the shadows

No regrets.

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our roaring hearts

beneath these cool gray skies

we lie bewildered

searching for a catalyst

to transform our lives

bring us closer to our dreams

to weather away our faults

and forge the way into our future.

 

we fall in line

to the rhythm of our resolve

beating gently beneath the earth

ever so constant

and determined

it guides us ever forward.

 

we march towards the horizon of promises

that we swore we would never let go of

even if the world goes dark

we will not forget

the path that got us here

with our ambitions etched into the walls

with our hearts roaring above the noise

we will emerge

triumphant.

A friend beyond the darkness.

Bitter times come flooding in,

Our hopes and dreams are growing thin,

Amongst the clouded skies and murky lies,

We find ourselves surrounded.

 

But even as doubt splatters like crimson paint

On the pavement of your dreams,

Do not despair.

Even as guilt engulfs you in its suffocating hold,

Do not give in.

Even as you struggle to fight off the demons lurking in every crevice,

Do not forget what hope feels like.

 

Tonight,

Look to the stars,

Find a calm that triumphs darkness,

Let it warm you and dry your tears,

Rinse away your greatest fears,

End this fruitless escapade,

Tear apart the barricade,

A special magic turns the tide,

Bringing life back to our side,

For even in the darkest times,

We’ll find a way to change our lives.

146 – Today was interesting.

Today, half of U of T was locked down because apparently, there was a man with a rifle near the ROM.

This resulted in a flurry of “do we have class today?” comments and posts on our course facebook group. I didn’t get much of a resounding answer from Facebook but decided that since this was UTSG, which never closes down even when the other two campuses are closed for snow days, that class was probably on.

The lockdown, coupled with the soccer thing that started at 3pm (I’m clearly out of touch with football), resulted in a fair number of people missing class. Our professor was ruthlessly kind enough to gift is with a mini in-class quiz anyway (though to be fair, it’s only worth 1%). The class is interesting and all, but I’m still irked by the fact that our final exam falls on the first day of exams, only three days after our last lecture. Not nearly enough time.

After class, I went over to the Psych lab I’m RAing in and started prepping for a session. I’m finally getting used to the process, but I started to get frantic when my partner didn’t show up twenty minutes before the session. Turns out the session was rescheduled to Wednesday due to the uncertainty of the lockdown. I must’ve appeared horribly awkward to the new RA that was in the lab tabulating data. Silly me for not checking my email, right?

Nevertheless, this awkwardness pales in the face of the recent tragedies in Orlando. Both the night club shooting and the murder of Christina Grimmie, a YouTuber and singer I loved and had spent hours watching, have left me flabbergasted with US gun policies and wholly disheartened. These events are indicative that something needs to change. Counselling needs to be more accessible and gun security needs to be more tightly regulated. However, in the face of the current state of American politics, little change is likely to occur.

The lockdown today comes in clear contrast to American policy – the simple appearance of a gun has a good chunk of downtown Toronto in lockdown. It should never be okay to wield a dangerous weapon in a public area when you do not have the authority to do so. Sure, you can have your guns for hunting, for private property (home) self defence, but the moment you bring it into a public venue, you should be locked down. No one should feel in danger when at a concert or a club, but these recent events express otherwise. My heart aches for the family and friends of the deceased.

On a happier note, my Facebook feed has been flooded by photos of friends graduating. These photos remind me that this time of the year is supposed to be joyful and a breeding ground for new beginnings and new adventures. Although this cannot erase the shadow of these recent tragedies, the thought of my friends going off into these diverse paths and making their mark onto this world leaves me with a serene feeling of hope. Maybe change won’t seem as impossible of a task in the incoming generations.

Braver today

I am braver today

having survived the sadness inside

having found my own way

to thrive

having pushed

the darkness aside

and having stumbled upon

the strength

to survive

 

I am braver today

because of the hate I’ve received

because I’ve accepted

my flaws

and I know

what to believe.

 

I am braver today

in spite of all that has come

today

a new ship sets sail

lifting

the anchors

of the past.

 

I am braver today

but some fears remain

some doubts still linger

and some things just don’t change

 

but I know how to dig deeper

to unearth the courage

that has been buried for years

to pull myself together

on the toughest of days.

 

and I know that even if I fall today

even if I lose my faith

and the world is crashing down around me

I know

I just know

I will be braver tomorrow.

133 – hope is on the horizon

Just gonna jot a few thoughts down before I have to head to school.

Didn’t get much sleep last night – 2 hours ish. Was busy doing my three assignments – 2 chem lab reports, one chem synthesis assignment, and one bio reading assignment for tonight’s lab. Going to be a loonnnggg day. Prob not gonna do well on the chem assignments. But I give up. My crappy laptop couldn’t handle the size of the damn excel files (literally took an hour just trying to format graphs since it would freeze for a whole minute every time I changed something). Not sure if the stereochemistry in my assignment is right. I should also rewrite it in pen. But meh. If I have time.

Really could’ve used my long Thanksgiving weekend better. Didn’t really use it at all. Spent it working, hanging out with friends, and doing the things I always do when I don’t really want to study. Sigh. Procrastination habits die hard.

Sometimes I think I’m just too overwhelmed from everything to do work. Too many hours of class, too many hours of extra stuff (work, volunteer, ultimate, CSU stuff, Brain Day stuff). I think I’m already mentally exhausted. It’s barely been a month.

I know I can do better.

But darn is it hard to keep my life in balance.

Still haven’t picked up my new phone.

Really, really want to.

But no. freaking. time.

On the bright side, I haven’t felt depressed in a while.

Though I’m not sure tired is any better of a feeling.

Not even sure if I’m stressed anymore. Everything feels numbed down.

But there are always brighter days ahead. I can feel it.

Always hanging on to the hope of the upcoming horizon.

The thought drives me forward.

And maybe this time, something will be different.

Maybe I’ll be able to change.

I know it’s highly unlikely, but it doesn’t hurt to say it.

Doesn’t hurt to try.

But I am free.

It took me a long time to realize
that wrestling with my demons
only increased their resistance
so with every blow I inflicted
they retaliated with vengeance
a steady spiral into despair.

It took me a long time to realize
that conquering your demons
meant acknowledging their existence
forgiving instead of hating
accepting their place in your past
and moving on.

It took me a long time to realize
that drowning in depression
was allowing it to define who I am
but I am more than the barrage of hollow feelings
I am more than that lifeless shadow.

It took me a long time to realize
but I know it now
and I can feel the promise flowing in the air
and I can sense the magic lying everywhere
and I can finally see
with my eyes set free.