152 – Life is always worth living.

This is a confession – one that’s had a long time coming. It’s been a long while since I’ve been able to bring myself to really process and reflect on things happening in my life. I suppose I was riding the wave, trusting that it would bring me to where I would need to be, whilst closing my mind from all the negativity that was tearing me apart. In a way, it worked. It got me this far. But it’s time that I called out my demons in such a way that they won’t keep coming back to hurt me.

I was in an awful state of mind for most of my undergrad senior year. Most of the anxiety and feelings of worthlessness stemmed from my thesis project. Nothing seemed to be working out the way I envisioned it to. While everyone else was making progress on their projects, I felt that I was continuously hitting a dead end. Even simple reactions that were shown to work by my supervisor somehow turned into a mess of unrecoverable chemicals. While no one in the lab wanted to put me down nor did they ever make me feel ostracized or unwelcome, I felt another piece of whatever self-esteem I had left break off and shatter every time I walked through those doors.

Things got worse throughout the year, instead of the better that I was promised. I set fire to a waste bin because I forgot to thoroughly clean a syringe of a highly oxidative reagent. A lab mate’s quick thinking saved the situation as I just stood there frozen in the fear of what I had just done. I almost wish they had kicked me out of the lab for good then. Maybe I would’ve been spared all of the misery that continued to pile on after. The only consequence I received was increased supervision so that an accident like that wouldn’t happen again. And of course, I would fuck up again a few months later by forgetting to turn on the ventilation on the glove box after purging it. I was a walking disaster so to speak.

I wasn’t okay. By February, it was clear that I was sinking further and further into a hole I could not crawl out of. I very much should’ve given up and dropped the course, but I felt that I couldn’t approach the administrator after he had given me a special pass after handing my application in late. I didn’t want to let yet another person down.

My friends at school knew I wasn’t happy with the course, but they probably didn’t expect that it was destroying my mental health. They were surprised when I broke down at the poster presentation where you had to present your research to professors. I felt incredibly stupid, like I didn’t know anything after months of trying to get a grasp on this project. We buried that day in alcohol with my friends saying silly things about the prof that put me down in order to cheer me up. As much I would like to put it all behind me, I don’t think I’ll ever forget that hollow feeling of worthlessness that drowned me.

Things spiraled out of control so easily and so quickly. I should’ve gotten help somewhere along the process, but didn’t. I would never suggest that anyone attempt to deal with something like this alone, but I did anyway. I genuinely wanted to kill myself several times over the course of those two semesters. I spent more nights crying myself to sleep than I can count. Even now, I feel like a disappointment looking back on how little I had accomplished.

The little things saved me. The little things that told me repeatedly that life was still worth living. Attending class and dinner dates with my friends. Playing video games. My favourite drinks at Second Cup whenever I was having a tough day or had a late lecture. The many “I miss you” messages from my mom. Knowing that I would be somewhere better next year. And my boyfriend at the time…(whom I cannot thank enough for being my escape from all of the misery; our recent break-up was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done).

I just wanted the time to make this blog as a reminder of why life is always worth living. Depression is not terminal. There will be good days just as there are bad days (or bad years). While it takes a great deal of strength and courage to commit suicide, it takes just as much to continue struggling through this hell and persevering. Sometimes it can be easy to feel alone in this great big world, but you’re never alone in feeling that way. Even on the nights when the sky is grayed out, you can rest easy that the stars are still out there somewhere in space. Even when the world seems to be full of darkness, there is light somewhere beyond the horizon. Believe in it. There will always be a chance for things to get better. Hold onto it and don’t you dare let go.



We fall apart

In our dreams

Another step

Or so it seems

I can’t define

These feelings of mine

A void beneath

No bridge to cross

All that remains

Is but a loss.


Sunlight bursting

Through the clouds

I question why

We’re not allowed

These limits lie there

Stretched so thin

Find the power

That comes within

Tomorrow is a promise

I won’t forget

Beyond the shadows

No regrets.

our roaring hearts

beneath these cool gray skies

we lie bewildered

searching for a catalyst

to transform our lives

bring us closer to our dreams

to weather away our faults

and forge the way into our future.


we fall in line

to the rhythm of our resolve

beating gently beneath the earth

ever so constant

and determined

it guides us ever forward.


we march towards the horizon of promises

that we swore we would never let go of

even if the world goes dark

we will not forget

the path that got us here

with our ambitions etched into the walls

with our hearts roaring above the noise

we will emerge


A friend beyond the darkness.

Bitter times come flooding in,

Our hopes and dreams are growing thin,

Amongst the clouded skies and murky lies,

We find ourselves surrounded.


But even as doubt splatters like crimson paint

On the pavement of your dreams,

Do not despair.

Even as guilt engulfs you in its suffocating hold,

Do not give in.

Even as you struggle to fight off the demons lurking in every crevice,

Do not forget what hope feels like.



Look to the stars,

Find a calm that triumphs darkness,

Let it warm you and dry your tears,

Rinse away your greatest fears,

End this fruitless escapade,

Tear apart the barricade,

A special magic turns the tide,

Bringing life back to our side,

For even in the darkest times,

We’ll find a way to change our lives.

146 – Today was interesting.

Today, half of U of T was locked down because apparently, there was a man with a rifle near the ROM.

This resulted in a flurry of “do we have class today?” comments and posts on our course facebook group. I didn’t get much of a resounding answer from Facebook but decided that since this was UTSG, which never closes down even when the other two campuses are closed for snow days, that class was probably on.

The lockdown, coupled with the soccer thing that started at 3pm (I’m clearly out of touch with football), resulted in a fair number of people missing class. Our professor was ruthlessly kind enough to gift is with a mini in-class quiz anyway (though to be fair, it’s only worth 1%). The class is interesting and all, but I’m still irked by the fact that our final exam falls on the first day of exams, only three days after our last lecture. Not nearly enough time.

After class, I went over to the Psych lab I’m RAing in and started prepping for a session. I’m finally getting used to the process, but I started to get frantic when my partner didn’t show up twenty minutes before the session. Turns out the session was rescheduled to Wednesday due to the uncertainty of the lockdown. I must’ve appeared horribly awkward to the new RA that was in the lab tabulating data. Silly me for not checking my email, right?

Nevertheless, this awkwardness pales in the face of the recent tragedies in Orlando. Both the night club shooting and the murder of Christina Grimmie, a YouTuber and singer I loved and had spent hours watching, have left me flabbergasted with US gun policies and wholly disheartened. These events are indicative that something needs to change. Counselling needs to be more accessible and gun security needs to be more tightly regulated. However, in the face of the current state of American politics, little change is likely to occur.

The lockdown today comes in clear contrast to American policy – the simple appearance of a gun has a good chunk of downtown Toronto in lockdown. It should never be okay to wield a dangerous weapon in a public area when you do not have the authority to do so. Sure, you can have your guns for hunting, for private property (home) self defence, but the moment you bring it into a public venue, you should be locked down. No one should feel in danger when at a concert or a club, but these recent events express otherwise. My heart aches for the family and friends of the deceased.

On a happier note, my Facebook feed has been flooded by photos of friends graduating. These photos remind me that this time of the year is supposed to be joyful and a breeding ground for new beginnings and new adventures. Although this cannot erase the shadow of these recent tragedies, the thought of my friends going off into these diverse paths and making their mark onto this world leaves me with a serene feeling of hope. Maybe change won’t seem as impossible of a task in the incoming generations.

Braver today

I am braver today

having survived the sadness inside

having found my own way

to thrive

having pushed

the darkness aside

and having stumbled upon

the strength

to survive


I am braver today

because of the hate I’ve received

because I’ve accepted

my flaws

and I know

what to believe.


I am braver today

in spite of all that has come


a new ship sets sail


the anchors

of the past.


I am braver today

but some fears remain

some doubts still linger

and some things just don’t change


but I know how to dig deeper

to unearth the courage

that has been buried for years

to pull myself together

on the toughest of days.


and I know that even if I fall today

even if I lose my faith

and the world is crashing down around me

I know

I just know

I will be braver tomorrow.

133 – hope is on the horizon

Just gonna jot a few thoughts down before I have to head to school.

Didn’t get much sleep last night – 2 hours ish. Was busy doing my three assignments – 2 chem lab reports, one chem synthesis assignment, and one bio reading assignment for tonight’s lab. Going to be a loonnnggg day. Prob not gonna do well on the chem assignments. But I give up. My crappy laptop couldn’t handle the size of the damn excel files (literally took an hour just trying to format graphs since it would freeze for a whole minute every time I changed something). Not sure if the stereochemistry in my assignment is right. I should also rewrite it in pen. But meh. If I have time.

Really could’ve used my long Thanksgiving weekend better. Didn’t really use it at all. Spent it working, hanging out with friends, and doing the things I always do when I don’t really want to study. Sigh. Procrastination habits die hard.

Sometimes I think I’m just too overwhelmed from everything to do work. Too many hours of class, too many hours of extra stuff (work, volunteer, ultimate, CSU stuff, Brain Day stuff). I think I’m already mentally exhausted. It’s barely been a month.

I know I can do better.

But darn is it hard to keep my life in balance.

Still haven’t picked up my new phone.

Really, really want to.

But no. freaking. time.

On the bright side, I haven’t felt depressed in a while.

Though I’m not sure tired is any better of a feeling.

Not even sure if I’m stressed anymore. Everything feels numbed down.

But there are always brighter days ahead. I can feel it.

Always hanging on to the hope of the upcoming horizon.

The thought drives me forward.

And maybe this time, something will be different.

Maybe I’ll be able to change.

I know it’s highly unlikely, but it doesn’t hurt to say it.

Doesn’t hurt to try.