134 – out of focus.

I feel stuck.

Trapped in a box as the whole world around me continues to rush by.

It’s scary.

As if my body is not my own and as if someone else has taken over my mind. What I want and need to do isn’t being done. Every time I try to focus, there’s this annoying throb in my head that leaves me feeling awful and sick.
Not exactly a migraine. But nothing good either.

My life just feels a little out of focus.

Somehow I’ve got to find a way out of this box.

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Stifled

an inescapable numbness

building upon my heart

devouring me from the inside

and tearing me apart

feeling choked

a little short of breath

and instead of light and laughter

all I feel is death

 

the death of my future

slowly slipping away

the death of my self esteem

I tossed out yesterday

and the wretched hold of emptiness

rising from the grave

 

my armor’s torn

my glaive worn

and beneath the layers of heavy rust

my resolve lies crumbled in the dust

 

you can’t escape

you can’t escape

the demons whisper in my ear

as they crawl past my defenses

and colour me in fear.

still we play

a crushing sense

of instability

tormented rationality

and

a sliver of

hope.

 

some days I feel triumph

beating in my heart

and other days

misery is

lurking in the dark

 

I’m just trying to make sense of it all

‘cause all of this

feels like a game

but I’m the one

being played

and I think I lost this

before the first move was even made

 

but still we play

as every move

brings us closer

to the brink

of insanity

and though every day

feels like a mistake

 

still we play

‘cause sometimes

just playing the game

brings satisfaction

in some unexpected way

and sometimes

it brings realizations

that change

the way

we play

 

and still we play

because if

the game is not static

then neither

is the outcome

and

we

don’t

always

have

to

be

the losers

 

and we’ll never stop playing

through all the pain

and all the doubts

because there has to be a way

we just haven’t found it yet

 

so we’ll continue

just.

like.

this.

 

brushing away the hate

denying evil their win

escorting negativity

out of our hearts

and clearing a space

for light to seep in

and finding out

that our ace

is none other

than the love that lies within.

110

So I’m officially the Treasurer for the CSU (Chemistry Student Union). Yay. That NY resolution is achieved. So I can cross another one off the list. 🙂

No one was running against me, so I automatically got the position. Which is both a relief as it meant I didn’t need to be anxious about public speaking and a disappointment at the same time as it means there were fewer people running this year. There was still a fair number of people there listening to speeches and running for other positions so it means we weren’t entirely unsuccessful this year. Maybe we just chose a bad time for the elections. Hmm.

I’ve been feeling really moody lately. Agitated. Irritated over little things. Part of me believes it is due to the fact that my period is coming around soon (it should have been here today…?). Another part of me believes it’s another part of a mental disorder I may have. A third part thinks that it’s just normal. Moods change constantly – it doesn’t necessarily have to mean a thing (could just be a shift in hormones, the weather, the air). But it’s been a good three days in which I’ve been feeling like this. At least I’m not sleeping for abnormal periods of time anymore. My internal clock’s working a bit better (meaning I’m definitely not depressed).

Spring is finally here. It was raining today. Felt bittersweet. Back home, it’d be like any other day. Here, it’s a rare occurrence and one that I Don’t particularly mind. It’s relaxing. Listening to the sound of the rain against the bus windows. Against the pavement. Against the roof above your head. Which is probably why I’m writing this entry (it’s not raining anymore, but the rain does get me into a writing mood).

On a different note, one I haven’t touched on in a while…I finished reading Liar Game. It was, for the longest time, my favourite manga of all time. It touched my psyche and intellectual interest in a way that no other manga ever had. I say, it was, because the ending left me quite unsatisfied. I was necessarily unsatisfied with how it ended, but rather how rushed it was. It got me thinking, “I waited 5 years for the manga to finish, for this?” The last arc was disappointing and lacked the same amount of finesse that Kaitani Shinobu-sensei brought to the other arcs. I understand that sometimes series are rushed to a finish (due to loss of fan base or pressure from the publishing company), but there was so much potential in the manga. I loved it so much that I guess I would’ve been unhappy with anything less than perfect – it was an okay end. Not the worst possible way to end it, but it wasn’t done well. Ugh. Thinking of all the series I abandoned five years ago and that are completed now and are waiting for me to finish, I’m feeling anxious. I don’t want to be disappointed again. I think the main one I’m concerned about is Dengeki Daisy. Another manga that blew me away six years ago. I need to finish it.

To be perfectly honest, my compulsion towards wasting away my time on the computer doesn’t seem very healthy. I spend a ridiculous amount of time playing video games, reading manga, and now I’ve proceeded to an increased interest in watching TV shows (House, Survivor, Masterchef). I think I need to let go of everything for a while. Not necessarily right at this moment, but I think I need to pick a week for which I don’t touch any of these things. Live outside the computer screen for a while. I think I’ll start when my exams begin. See how it goes. Lessen my addictive nature because I know I am biologically prone to addictions (especially gaming ones).

I was all over the place with this entry.

But it feels right to me.

It feels like me.

Jumbled, erratic, contemplating, reflective.

Yeah.

I should get going.

108 – Tests ruin learning & My biggest fear.

My happy mood from Monday was shortlived. I thoroughly enjoyed studying for my PSY290 midterm on Tuesday, learning a lot about the brain that I thought would be perfect supplementary material to share with kids during my Brain Day presentations (I’m doing one tomorrow….alone because the association doesn’t read their emails or offer any support when your partner cannot make it).

The midterm itself was crushing. Every question made me feel worse and worse. As an inherently indecisive person taking a multiple choice exam with options from a) to e) with e) often being “both a and b”, every decision I made on that exam stressed me out. This is probably the reason I would not consider a Biology major – purely MC exams cause me unwarranted amounts of anxiety. The questions picked at details and were sometimes very vaguely phrased. I didn’t feel like I was being tested on the main concepts I learned in class. I felt like I was being tested on knowing every single little detail found in the lecture slides and in the textbook. The questions were so focused that it was difficult to see the point of the test. To make matters worst, I didn’t find out about the past test someone posted up on Facebook until 5 minutes before the test. I know he probably reused some of those questions. Ugh. That test was not an accurate measure of my learning. Not one bit.

I’m starting to feel a bit better after that crushed my mood. Hopefully I can get over it by tomorrow when I have to talk about the brain for a few hours in front of children. I don’t want to come across as someone who doesn’t have enthusiasm about science – this neurobiology course (PSY290) is just really pushing me down.

Tests suck. They really do. They take the joy out of learning – especially if they’re not written well. I do enjoy learning neurobiology. In fact, biology itself was very interesting to me. The way I’m tested in these courses though? Nope. Just nope.

Starting watching House (from the first season!) last night, having heard about what it’s about in my abnormal psych class, and already I’m hooked. I wish I had started watching earlier. A couple of my friends in high school used to watch it avidly. I feel like I would’ve really had something to talk about with them. As someone who wants to get into med school and who loves Sherlock Holmes (one of the inspirations behind the Dr House character), I find the show intellectually stimulating, funny, and interesting. Looks like I found a new source of procrastination. Opps.

But watching House really put me in a better place. I’m thankful for that.

Was chatting with a friend about how my biggest fear is not being able to return home. It really is. If I somehow get accepted into a grad/med school here or somewhere else far away from home and I don’t get accepted back home, I’d be stuck here. Stuck in a place that won’t give me a break from illness and stress and depression. This is not good for my long-term health. He called it a bit of a first world problem: “being accepted into a good grad school but not the one I want”. True, but still my problem. I miss my family lots. He asked why, if this was my biggest fear, I didn’t study harder for a better GPA. I told him simply that this city has made me sick and unmotivated (and oh how it has). He understood, wishing me well. I appreciate the support, but I just wish I could have what he and so many of my friends have – an adaptiveness towards this city and a disposition in favour for what it is. Maybe I’ll find something this summer. After all, I did go back last summer and didn’t really see this whole other possible side to the city. Maybe this summer, I’ll be able to find that which I’m looking for.

Hope

Perfect and illusive

with a sparkle in her eyes

leaving you helpless but to wonder

where in the world

her heart lies.

 

Heated silence draws you in

a thousand mysteries in her smile

captivated by the possibilities

electrified by curiosity

deliciously beguiled.

 

In the backdrop of

people you wish you’d never met

you can’t help but feel the urge

to take the steps towards her

approach as close as you can get.

 

For a while

she dances to your tune

laughter and teasing

joy ever increasing

but you can’t shake the feeling

that it’s going to end soon.

 

She dances on the fabric of your dreams

Light steps and pirouette

Close but never within your reach

tachyonic silhouette.

 

Some day she’ll leave you

and that will be okay

she’ll always be a part of you

a fragment of yesterday.

 

She would never mean to hurt you

but she won’t stay by your side

she has places to go

and people to know

the beauty in her stride.

 

Let her go where she needs to go

but keep her in your heart

keep her in your beautiful soul

and you’ll never be apart.

Trigger

A small drop of resentmemt
Rippled through a lake of tranquility
Amplified to every corner
Leaving no trace untouched

And with it came shadows
Resurrecting ghosts from the past
Tearing down the stronghold
Every fragment bigger than the last

Every effort to contain it
Consumed in its dark blaze
Every hope conquered
Depression is a blade

Purification is a slow process
And takes courage to employ
Sometimes it can’t recover
The pieces once destroyed

Obliteration of the soul
Emotions take their toll
And I feel my dreams shaking
Slowly, slowly breaking.