128 – the elevator guy

Saw him again by the 2nd floor elevators. Decided to take the stairs. He smiled and said “see you upstairs”. Argh.

(And of course the elevator beats me. Again).

Was waiting for the elevator to go down on the 6th floor. He was walking by.

“Aren’t you going to take the stairs?”

This.

Guy.

I swear.

If we were in a Korean drama, we’d fall in love from these silly occurrences.

But since this is real life

He just gets a laugh from making fun of me.

Makes me a little flustered.

But it’s not a bad feeling.

Advertisements

vicarious

spontaneous
weird and unexpected
a thunderstorm in the midst of a sunny day
but you had me hooked from the beginning
and I just can’t get away.

you are like confetti
sprinkling little bits of happiness
making good moments spectacular
putting a smile on my face
but also
kind of a pain to clean up after.

122 – just a little thank you.

I grew up with more or less the same group of friends. We’ve known each other since preschool/kindergarten/grade 1 and we lived through our elementary and high school years together. Birthday parties. Sports. Hanging out. Video games. Movies. We were close for a while, but gradually grew apart – as friends often do. But we’re still good friends that have loads of history (and too many stories that are too often brought up thought they act as nothing but sources of embarrassment, but friends will be friends).

I just have so much appreciation for the one friend in that circle that never forgets about me even though I’m off in this far away land and everyone else is back home.

Even though there’s no way I can attend an event back home, you invite me anyway.

Even though I can’t hang out with everyone, you bring me into a conversation discussing where and when we should hang out.

You are the only one I regularly keep in touch with (partly my fault on that regard).

And even though these are little things, they mean a ton.

I would say these words to your face (metaphorically speaking since you’re so far away), but you’ll probably be weirded out ’cause that’s how our friendship is.

We don’t say the words out loud.

But we just kinda know.

So thanks, Ceci (even though you’ll never read this).

I love you a lot, girl. ❤

Will my words reach you?

We are the champions of the internet
Explorers of the digital world
And we traverse from platform to platform
To find our place upon the Web

We are no strangers
To strangers on the internet
We make conversation
With people that we’ve never met
Extracting excitement and emotion
From the words on the screen
Indulging in debates and rebuttals
We are both kind as we are mean

But sometimes it’s hard to find trust and value
In the relationships that we make online
For we could lose them at any time
Delete, ignore, and leave behind
It’s just so easy to press delete
To find yet another friend to greet
And this superficiality
Makes me question the significance of what I say,
For how much do my words really matter
When they’re being heard half the world away?

There’s so much distance between us
So many walls to break through
I can’t help but wonder
Will my words reach you?

animewallpaper

A Glass Cage

exasperated by our fruitless interactions

no longer can I speak

when the words are cutting deep

onto wounds that haven’t healed

from our past defeats.

 

I’m finding it hard to believe

that we can make the change

we promised we would

but you know

some things

just stay the same.

 

I reach out

but my fingers just can’t reach

guess this is what they mean

by so close but yet so far.

 

I feel taunted, tricked, deceived

for I can see the brighter future

that lies beyond this glassed cage

but my punches and my kicks only seem to ricochet.

 

I press my forehead against the cold surface

rest my fists and close my eyes

my arms and legs are shaking

I’m a little terrified.

 

We’ve looked in every nook and cranny

searching for our mistakes

trying to find reason why

we’re cracking along the edges

but now I think I realize

that you can’t make fire from ashes

you can’t fix what never was.

 

my knees cave in and I fall to the ground

drained and hopeless

lost and alone

suffocated

and drowned.

 

the tears falling from my face

burn upon my blistered palm

all the pain I had supressed

as I fought against the tide

flood down upon my heavy heart

and slowly tears me apart

from the inside.

 

but I think I have

just enough

for one last and final try

so please

save me from this misery

before my love begins to rot

let us push against this wretched glass

with everything we’ve got.

112 – Need to get focused

The plan hasn’t gone too well. Probably due to the lack of trying.

The exam on Wednesday was disappointing. It was fair and I know I could’ve done well on it if I put in twenty more hours of studying. But I didn’t even try. The course will be my first B/C on my university transcript. Which to most people isn’t the end of the world. For me, it’s a crack in my med school dreams (a crack meaning I can recover if I put in the work, but cracks get worse if no one does anything to fix them – WHAT A GREAT METAPHOR HUH).

I think enough is enough. I spent the rest of Wednesday and Thursday wallowing in self-destruction. Too much chocolate, too much gaming, and too much House. I have another two final exams on Monday and Tuesday and they’re not going to study for themselves (but wouldn’t that be amazing if it were possible).

I’ll ease up on the plan a little, but I’ll get focused also. I can do this.

My mom called me up a few days ago. She says I don’t miss her enough because I don’t call home very often. The former is not true and the latter is something I should work on. I do miss home a lot, but it’s not like my mom will magically appear if I tell her I miss her. It’s something though. Even when I was living at home, we didn’t have real conversations often – but we can always start. I guess. I do miss her lots. I’d really like to go home for a while.

My mom saw my name on the CSU Facebook page and asked about that. I still find it kind of weird that she liked our union’s Facebook page, but it’s sweet at the same time because it shows that she cares about what I’m doing at school outside of class.

Am currently writing this while volunteering at a senior’s home (I help run a little grocery store that they can buy necessities from). It’s really interesting and enriching interacting with the older population. They’re filled with stories, opinions, and lively personalities. There is this couple that always comes by to buy coffee and they seem like some of the most peaceful people I’ve ever met. Definitely a life goal there – growing old with someone you can just enjoy a lovely conversation and coffee with.

Thinking of applying for a volunteer position at a hospital next year, see what it’s really like in there as a non-patient. I do have to be able to balance that with my current volunteering, my work, and school…so I’ll have to see what my schedule looks like in the fall.

Looking at my terribly hard to finish double major, I’m not going to be able to do a semester in Singapore like I wanted. It’s a little disappointing, but there’s nothing stopping me from doing something abroad next summer, so I’ll see.

Thinking back into the present, I really need to try my best. To stay healthy. To be happy. And to do well on my exams.

I think I need to add one more thing to that: to maintain good relationships with the people I know and love (not just my mom, but with the friends that I do have or think I have).

If all else fails,

Just

🙂

107 – The secret to being “liked”.

Came out of my social psych class abnormally happy. My friends gave me a look like I was crazy. But I’ve always been crazy, so that’s okay.

We talked about liking and relationships (not necessarily romantic ones, but relationships with other people in general e.g. friendships, etc).

We all have an intrinsic need to be affiliated with others (have known this since intro psych).

We tend to like people that are similar to us. Makes sense. Common ground to maintain communication, to maintain closeness. Similarity over complementarity (e.g. people like people who are similar rather than “opposites attract”).

We tend to like people who are physically attractive. Affected by factors such as personality and how they dress. Changes culturally.

We tend to like people with close proximity and repeated exposure. The closer they are –> the more often you see them –> the more you like them. That is, if they’re mildy negative, neutral ,or positive stimulus – meaning you don’t already dislike them from the get-go. Seeing someone you dislike continuously only worsens that relationship.

We tend to like people that like us. Mutual liking.This got me thinking. What if I like everyone, will they like me back? I guess that would lead to a higher chance of liking, but not necessarily liking by everyone.

I LIKE YOU. 🙂

Knowing that someone else likes us causes us to behave differently around that person. We’re warmer to people who respect and like us. We like being liked.

And I think this characteristic of people is a really beautiful thing.

If we just love a little more, there’ll be more love in reciprocity.

Love goes around. And comes back around. And around and around and around.

How beautiful.

And I’m crazy. I know.