149 – a little escape 

In London (Ontario) for the weekend and it feels really nice to be away from all my stress at school. I know it’s all just going to start again on Monday, but for now, I can just enjoy a little piece of happiness. 

I can see the stars again. It feels surreal after not having been able to see them much in Toronto. I feel at peace here, like everything is going to be alright. I hope that this feeling follows me back tomorrow. 

Everyone I’ve met here is really nice and willing to chat about their experiences. It’s not even my interview date, but I feel welcome here. It’s refreshing. I’m super glad I decided to come a day earlier. The med student that’s hosting me is incredibly friendly – I’m relieved we get along. I feel like I fit in here and hope I get in. 

Time to get some sleep so I can do my best tomorrow. I’m nervous, excited, yet oddly calm because of the wonderful atmosphere. It’s a weird mix. I like it. 

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our roaring hearts

beneath these cool gray skies

we lie bewildered

searching for a catalyst

to transform our lives

bring us closer to our dreams

to weather away our faults

and forge the way into our future.

 

we fall in line

to the rhythm of our resolve

beating gently beneath the earth

ever so constant

and determined

it guides us ever forward.

 

we march towards the horizon of promises

that we swore we would never let go of

even if the world goes dark

we will not forget

the path that got us here

with our ambitions etched into the walls

with our hearts roaring above the noise

we will emerge

triumphant.

crescendo

For every second with you was absolutely brilliant, every moment imprinting on my heart. Days filled with laughter and sparkling enthusiasm for all that we were. Days we never wanted to end.


surprise and awe

feelings that come rushing back to me

when I remember the first time

that I saw you who you really were

 

taken aback

by your honest demeanour

you always spoke what was on your mind

and it was my pleasure to engage

in our miniature debates

though you always seemed to have the words

to answer my ripostes

a clever tongue and quick to speak

how could I not be captivated?

 

the summer sun paved the way

for the adventures we embarked on

from the soft sand beneath our feet

to the fireworks in the sky

with you, I came to realize

that the city that I had grown up in

was more delightful

than I had ever imagined

 

autumn came

with leaves in gentle drift

and the comfortable warming taste of chai

we watched in silence

as the glittering array of orange and gold

unravelled its beauty around us

 

under the veil of changing seasons

we found ourselves transformed

from our awkward beginnings

into the best of friends

those days I spent wishing

that it would never end.

For the stars are yours to wish upon.

For the nights you don’t quite feel like yourself – for times you feel worthless and out of place in this great, vast world.


Hey there, love.

It’s okay. You don’t have to explain yourself. I know it’s been hard and things haven’t exactly been going your way. But it’s going to be okay. I promise. Even if everything feels like it’s falling apart, know that this is not the end, only a beginning.

This isn’t the first time you have felt this way. Nor will it likely be your last. Please don’t give up the part of you that shines so brightly in your best moments just because it’s weighing down on you right now. Now is not forever and you are so much more than the you at your very worst.

You are so much more than you’ll ever appreciate. You’re beautiful – fantastic in all your little quirks. And though you are far from perfect, you are always, always good enough. Though we are constantly changing, always striving to be better, it is not wrong to love the you that is here right now. Because this you is not a lesser version, but an important piece of your kaleidoscopic soul – colourful and unique, perfectly filling in the empty spaces of the masterpiece that you are. And oh my, you are a masterpiece.

Don’t lose hope now. Your dreams are still within your reach and I believe that you will get there. That day seems so far away which makes it so easy to lose sight of where it might be, but if you just keep your mind on it, it’s closer than it seems.

Do not be afraid to dream for the stars are yours to wish upon. And on nights like tonight, when you feel you’re losing sight, let the skies remind you of all the possibilities.

You deserve to be happy. Don’t ever think otherwise. You’re hurting now, but remember there have been better times in your past just as there will be better times in your future. When this blows over, we’ll pick up the pieces and slowly glue them back together again. Perhaps we’ll make something greater.

I love you.

I love you so, so much.

We will get through this.

144

It’s been a long while since my last post, so I decided to push myself to write something today. One of my resolutions was to write more per month, but it’s clearly become an ongoing struggle. Will try to do better this summer.

Part of me feels like I’m running away when I don’t write. It’s hard for me to get focused without a clear plan of what I’m going to do and how I’m going to do it and writing seems to making things easier. When I’m not writing, I feel like I’m dodging my problems…this rings especially true when considering the copious amounts of Stardew Valley, League of Legends, and Overwatch that I’ve been playing. Gaming is not a solution to all your problems, Nessa. Jeez.

I have a rough two months coming up ahead. While I know it’ll be stressful, I think it’ll be really good to feel productive this summer.

Currently enrolled in two courses (introductory Biochemistry and Physiology) that I’ve been having immense difficulty fitting into my regular schedule and thus have been forced to take them in the summer. May drop Physiology if the first midterm does not go well since learning so much material in the span of six weeks is absolutely ridiculous. It’s not required for my degree/graduation, but I felt like taking it may help me in studying for my MCAT retake. I’ve always found learning from a teacher/professor to be easier than on my own.

I wanted to get a part-time job this summer (at a coffee shop so I can stop spending so much money on coffee…), but due to my other responsibilities, this doesn’t seem to be realistic until at least after my summer courses end. 😦

Currently continuing to help out in the psych lab I was RAing in for the past year – just training some summer students. Also applied and was accepted as a volunteer RA to another lab – really excited about the opportunity as the lab is one of the only at U of T to use psychophysiological instrumentation. I think the experience will be super rewarding even if I don’t get paid for it.

On top of the courses and the RAing, I also have to study for the MCAT and continue volunteering (~3 hours/week). Safe to say I don’t have much free time planned in the coming weeks. But it’ll be good for me. Hard work is supposed to make you a better person.

Other miscellaneous things I have yet to do, but am mentioning as a reminder to myself:

  • CPR & First Aid course next weekend – it’s apparently a medical school requirement for some schools and it’s also something that the lab I’m RAing in wants me to have
  • Renewing my passport (expires in August) – am not looking forward to taking another horrific passport photo…never understood why we can’t smile in those photos
  • visiting a doctor regarding orthotics – flat-footed me has been putting this off for a whole year…that student health coverage isn’t going to spend itself :/
  • decide on a supervisor for CHM499 – have talked to three profs, unsure if I want to talk to more as I’m already struggling in deciding which lab I’d like to work in

Will try to update on how I’m doing every week for the next two months as I navigate through this heavy workload. I think it’ll be a very simple way to keep my spirits high and the stress low (hopefully…)

More than anything, I want to focus on the little things that make life feel good. Like walking through High Park with my friends yesterday. Like winning that game of Coup on Friday (boardgame night) despite being one card down. Like finally getting a Play of the Game on Overwatch despite me being absolutely horrible at FPS games. Like CLG proving NA can be a strong region at MSI.

Things like that.

Things that can put a smile on your face no matter how hard life seems to get.

Let’s focus on these things.

Because happiness is all about perspective.

Always and Forever

Because you were there for me, I was able to shine.

 

through the forest

through the rain

in the dark

in times of pain

a gift of courage on my palm

you held my hand and kept me calm

and so I’m grateful for those days

for all the debts

I could not repay.

 

voice of silk

and soothing tune

eyes as bright

as the sun and moon

your words ring true

in the quiet night

and at last

the darkness leaves our sight

so we continue on

our hopes held high

for the greatest dreams

will never die.

 

you are

the one

I strive to be

 

to you

I owe

the best of me

 

to you

who was always there for me

 

thank you

and I love you.

“It’s okay to be yourself”

I think it’s only human that from time to time we wish we were just a little bit more.

Just a little bit less awkward so other people would like me more.

Just a little bit more outgoing so that maintaining my relationships wouldn’t feel so difficult.

Just a little bit more focused so I could get these assignments done.

Just a little. Please. Please?

These thoughts hit me hardest when asked the most ordinary of questions:

“Hey, are you going to…(insert club night/formal/bar crawl/social event of torturous nature to introverts like me)?”

“Oh! That episode of…(insert highly popular TV show that for some reason everyone but you seems to watch) was great!”

And it makes sense to feel out of place when confronted with a question mark, when you feel like you can no longer contribute anything meaningful to a conversation, when you start to fade into the background rather than be engaged.

It makes sense to feel like you’re not enough and to feel like you need to be more like “everyone else”.

It makes sense because we are social creatures and we bond on points of common interest.

It makes sense, but it sure doesn’t feel right.

And because it doesn’t feel right, you’re left with one of two options:

to ignore it

or to shut it down.

And while I’ve lived most of my life doing the former,

I’ve come to like the latter.

And so instead of feeling like I don’t belong,

I think about and appreciate all the little things that make me me.