143 – Conflicted

I (1) love (4) you (3). Can’t unsee the number to word association.

It’s been a while.

Lots has happened, though much of it isn’t very interesting is talk about/reflect on.

Last week was really rough. A cup of coffee on Monday led to a two-day long migraine. Couldn’t function with it. Slept through most of it. I suspect a bad reaction to coffee…but I’ll need to see a doctor about it to confirm.

Next week promises to be worse with 2 assignments and 2 final exams (in-class ones). The joys of university.

Amidst the past few chaotic weeks, some thoughts have come to mind that I thought were important to address as they may prove essential to my attitude towards others.

And these thoughts mostly have to do with my less academically-achieving/driven friends. I don’t like to group them up under this label as I think they’re all brilliant in different ways and they’re awesome people to be around, but in order to address these thoughts, I have to highlight the source of my inner conflict. As someone who went through high school with academically driven friends (through IB and Middle Years & with friends in the regular program that tended to get more As and Bs than Cs), I’ve more or less been ingrained that anything less than an A is just not good enough. Because of this mentality, I’m not sure how to react when my friends are happy with getting a B/passing. On one camp, I’m happy for them since they’re satisfied with that level of achievement. On the other hand, I have this nudging feeling that if I express elation from such a grade in others that I too will become complacent with a grade below my expectations.

The best way I’ve found to counteract this problem is to simply not make comparisons between myself and others and to instead, focus on self-comparisons. Therefore, instead of thinking “I could’ve done just as well as them if I tried harder”, I try to redirect my thoughts to be more in line with “I could do better than I did last time if I studied harder” or “I didn’t do as well as I normally did – this needs more work”.

For most cases, this solution seems to solve the issue – I applaud others for their personal success while working towards my own.

However, in situations that are more limiting, I feel conflicted.

That research opportunity that I missed the deadline for? I got in. By pure luck, the undergrad advisor accepted my late application. If it were any other situation, I wouldn’t even be considered. But I made it. This made me beyond happy on Thursday as it was a nice gift at the end of a rough week. In my excitement, I posted in our Facebook chat that I got in. But instead of “me too!”, all I got was “grats :)”. This implies to me that my friends didn’t get in despite the fact that they actually handed their application in time. Or they may have gotten in and were just happy for me. The latter I have no problem with but the thought of the former does.

Because the former just seems a little unfair. Obviously, I’m thankful for the opportunity and am not about to bite the hand that feeds me, but I also feel uneasy because I was given this despite my disadvantage.

In the end, I’ve decided to take it as I deserve the opportunity despite my mistake and not think too much of it. I’d much rather focus on whose lab I want to have my experience in. 🙂

[As an aside: watching Lee Sedol take a game off of AlphaGo gave me jitters for hours after the stream had ended…(and through my sleep). It’s so inspiring to see someone of such calibre putting everything they have into a game with odds against them. I think that’s a very beautiful thing – the ability for humans to give their all even if it’s a losing battle. That’s something I don’t think machines will ever have as they will give up once the probability of winning becomes lower than a certain threshold. It’s foolish to fight difficult battles – but in many cases, it’s well worth it.]

141 – I slipped today.

It really fucking hurt.

Two huge bruises and a million scrapes later, I picked myself off the ground.

Didn’t help that the more slip-proof of my boots were soaked from yesterday’s endless rain.

Rain + slow (today) really makes the sidewalks shitty.

I hate Toronto.

Just another reason why I wouldn’t want to live here forever.

[Not that weather wasn’t the main reason before…]

Our broken hearts have healed.

we had our hearts broken

too sudden in its wake

and the uprising of emotion

was too much for us to take

 

you decided to release it

in an inferno of anger and frustration

and so you were always on the edge

ready to explode

but I didn’t want anyone to know

just wanted to contain it

hoped the feeling would go away

so I crumpled it all inside my heart

and kept it all at bay

 

but you can only run so far

before you have to face the truth

and on the nights when I just couldn’t take it

I would cry myself to sleep

release my inhibitions

give into a woeful weep

 

sometimes I wonder

if the reason why you fear love

is because you fear what you could become

because you fear what makes us numb

 

but you always looked out for me

in your own roundabout way

as if you could fix the damage done

while you were also hurting

as if you could fill the hole

while it weighed upon your soul

 

we’re older now

and the wound no longer stings

but it’s shaped a little of who we are

and in our memories, has left a scar

we press on forward

because that’s all we know to do

we still have some problems

but I think we’ll make it through.

———————————

related to this.

102 – The pain won’t stop.

I must’ve done something really bad for my body to die on me like this.

First the five-day migraine.

Then my period.

And now I have what appears to be the flu.

My throat hurts like crazy and my head won’t stop throbbing. A fever slips in and out. My cough keeps getting worse.

Thank god for Advil.

Because of the physical stress and the fact that I just don’t feel well, I haven’t been studying much. I got destroyed on my mid-term last week. Never thought I’d get fifty percent on a test until now. Inorganic chemistry….I thought I got it, but really, I didn’t understand a thing. Molecular Orbital theory is super hard to visualize sometimes…especially when you’re under the pressure of a 50 minute test. Seriously, there wasn’t enough time.

I have a mid-term tomorrow. I’m debating missing it. I already got my doctor to sign my note today. But the mid-term is worth 30%. I don’t want it reweighted onto the final (that would make the final 70%) nor do I really want it weighted on my assignments (worth 30% at the moment, but there’s no telling how well can do on those). If I can get a good few hours of studying (fine, cramming) in tonight, I know I can end up with a decent mark. I have a lab in the morning though so I don’t know how tired I’ll be. Or how sick. If I break out in a fever before the mid-term, I’ll definitely skip it. There’s no point of pushing myself off a cliff for the sake of my GPA (which is already turning into crap anyway).

I miss home. Exam schedule comes out in a few days so I should be able to book my flight home soon. Hopefully I’ll be able to be home for a few weeks.

I got the NSERC USRA (Undergraduate Student Research Award) so I’ll be doing chemistry all summer. Fun. It’ll give me a good idea of how chemistry academia is like though. I hope I’ll be able to do well. Going to have to go speak to potential supervisors this month. When I get better, anyway.

I just need to survive tomorrow. Then I’ll be okay. I’ll have Reading Week to recover.

Almost couldn’t get out of bed today.

There’s little motivation when everything hurts.

I’m ready to just break down.

But I’ll recover.

I always do.

83

And if you hurt me
That’s okay baby, only words bleed
Inside these pages you just hold me
And I won’t ever let you go

-“Photograph”, Ed Sheeran

Sometimes love can hurt you. Sometimes it makes you miserable, makes you want to bury yourself in some forgotten corner and hope that the pain will forget that you exist. But love is beautiful. It is what makes us feel alive when we’ve lost all other meaning in vast, vast world. The world is big and it’s very easy to get lost in it. But love finds you a home even when you feel like you don’ t have one. So hold onto love. Hold onto the happiness you feel when your arms are wrapped around another’s, when you put a smile on someone important to you,and when you hear the laugh that you love to hear the most.

I’m a romantic. I love the idea of love and I won’t try to deny that. So I will always love. I like to reminisce with trinkets, little memories from another time; with photographs, euphoric moments captured in the blink  of an eye; with words, phrases and poems and stories with a different view; with music, a single melody bringing back a glorious day in the past.

I love the present also. Take everyday for it’s worth. I know I won’t be around forever, so I might as well enjoy every feeling, good or bad, every moment, happy or sad, and every breath that makes me glad.

—-

I am retaking my driver’s test tomorrow. I shall walk in with the confidence that I will pass. So that if I don’t, I can say I gave it my all.

I’ve been shopping a lot (and buying a lot) lately. I think it’s time to step back and appreciate what I already have. I don’t need all these new clothes…or maybe I do…Uck. I’ll just appreciate it all.

Change is good. Change is fun. And I’m looking forward to a lot of that this year.

55

to tell me now

that i was the one churning your thoughts

that i was the reason for the sleepless nights

that i had hurt you in such a way

without intention

with only love

but hurt nonetheless

is too much for me to handle.

 

it’s better now you say

better now

but my heart aches

because it wasn’t better then

because i didn’t see the other side of the glass

because i was blind

but blindfolded by you

because i’m a hypocrite in much i do

telling others

that the past is the past

but clutching onto

its frayed ends

 

my feelings toward you remain unchanged

but it hurts

it hurts

and that is something new