crescendo

For every second with you was absolutely brilliant, every moment imprinting on my heart. Days filled with laughter and sparkling enthusiasm for all that we were. Days we never wanted to end.


surprise and awe

feelings that come rushing back to me

when I remember the first time

that I saw you who you really were

 

taken aback

by your honest demeanour

you always spoke what was on your mind

and it was my pleasure to engage

in our miniature debates

though you always seemed to have the words

to answer my ripostes

a clever tongue and quick to speak

how could I not be captivated?

 

the summer sun paved the way

for the adventures we embarked on

from the soft sand beneath our feet

to the fireworks in the sky

with you, I came to realize

that the city that I had grown up in

was more delightful

than I had ever imagined

 

autumn came

with leaves in gentle drift

and the comfortable warming taste of chai

we watched in silence

as the glittering array of orange and gold

unravelled its beauty around us

 

under the veil of changing seasons

we found ourselves transformed

from our awkward beginnings

into the best of friends

those days I spent wishing

that it would never end.

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Daunted

my heart trembles

my thoughts race

as I’m trapped in turmoil’s

bitter embrace.

 

your words brim

with ignorant distaste

as they penetrate our fondest memories

shattering brilliance

without a trace

and I

I can’t breathe

this is not what I wanted

not what I foresaw

and I don’t really believe it at all.

 

my muscles tense

paralyzed in fear

as I watch the end of our friendship

become resoundingly clear.

 

no one’s to blame

in this misery game

so let the ghosts that haunt us

burn in the flames.

these tiny little moments

Your honesty means more to me

than you would ever know

and I’m scared, I’m scared to lose it

I’m afraid to let it go

 

I enjoy these passing moments

these conversations on a whim

they’re amusing at the very least

and make life a little less grim

and although they only ever scratch the surface 

of who you really are

I feel this time is precious

a worthy reservoir.

 

The world is vast and filled with wonders

its corners reaching far and wide

and though you doubt you’ll ever find it

someday happiness will be at your side

and these days will lose their meaning

and slowly fade away

you’ll no longer think of me

but as a part

of yesterday.

 

That too is a beautiful thing

to give your love to something special

something worth your gentle heart

something to hold you together

on days you fall apart.

 

Just know that for today

you mattered

and I will not forget

your love, your nature

and how you live each moment honest to who you are

how you are unafraid of disappointment

unafraid to go so far.

 

And maybe there will be a day

where nothing seems right

and all has gone astray

on that day

I hope that you remember

that even these

tiny little moments

can go a long way.

“It’s okay to be yourself”

I think it’s only human that from time to time we wish we were just a little bit more.

Just a little bit less awkward so other people would like me more.

Just a little bit more outgoing so that maintaining my relationships wouldn’t feel so difficult.

Just a little bit more focused so I could get these assignments done.

Just a little. Please. Please?

These thoughts hit me hardest when asked the most ordinary of questions:

“Hey, are you going to…(insert club night/formal/bar crawl/social event of torturous nature to introverts like me)?”

“Oh! That episode of…(insert highly popular TV show that for some reason everyone but you seems to watch) was great!”

And it makes sense to feel out of place when confronted with a question mark, when you feel like you can no longer contribute anything meaningful to a conversation, when you start to fade into the background rather than be engaged.

It makes sense to feel like you’re not enough and to feel like you need to be more like “everyone else”.

It makes sense because we are social creatures and we bond on points of common interest.

It makes sense, but it sure doesn’t feel right.

And because it doesn’t feel right, you’re left with one of two options:

to ignore it

or to shut it down.

And while I’ve lived most of my life doing the former,

I’ve come to like the latter.

And so instead of feeling like I don’t belong,

I think about and appreciate all the little things that make me me.

139 – some “back to school” moments

Woke up at 6am this morning in order to make it to ultimate practice (at 7am) in time.

Had never been to the Hart House gym.

So…Awkward moment #1.

Called Kimmy ’cause I figured I would get lost on my own.

She laughed at me for not knowing where it was and was not a whole lot of help.

Gave the phone to Felichia who attempted to help me, but didn’t have a good idea of where I was.

Luckily, Aly was on her way in and found me and pretty much held my hand into the locker room.

Have learned not to trust Kimmy when genuinely lost.

Karen told me to call her next time instead. I think I will, if only to save myself the shaming. 😦

At least I’ve gained the confidence to get there on my own now. And I guess, at the same time, the confidence to walk in there and work out instead of being lazy ol’ me all the time.

Hung out with Felichia for a bit after practice (I desperately needed water as my water bottle is MIA at the moment). It was a pleasant experience to actually know her a bit better – we found out that we’re both language lovers (of French and Japanese) though my language skills have decayed to the point where I can no longer maintain a simple conversation. Time to brush up on both, I guess.

————-

Obviously if there’s an awkward moment #1, there is bound to be a #2 – otherwise numbering it would be kind of pointless.

So #2…

Walked into the Human Memory (and Cognition?) class.

Grabbed a seat towards the end of the table and started reading the syllabus (the format of this class is my favourite so far).

A girl sits down beside me – good so far, as I never mind making new friends.

As the instructor struggles with technical issues, she tells us to introduce ourselves to a person sitting near us – to make new friends.

So I introduce myself to the girl sitting next to me and we shake hands and become new friends and talk about the course – the standard protocol when making a friend in a classroom setting.

Then I suggest that we add each other on Facebook so that we could proofread each other’s assignments and help each other with the course.

She types her name in…

And we discover we’re already friends on Facebook.

Yup.

“OMG, I totally didn’t recognize you”

“Oh yeah, we met in first year at the Dr. Freud competition that we won together”

Awkward level went up significantly.

Felt like there was now another layer of ice we had to break.

But when the awkwardness subsided, it was interesting to have someone I already knew in the class with me.

Kind of like the pleasant surprise I had yesterday when I found out Sarah (my lab partner from first year whom I got along with really well) was in Psychology and the Law with me. Was originally going to drop that course for another one, but now I’m considering staying in it. That is, if I can get a copy of the textbook without paying an arm and a leg. Canadian versions really kill the wallet. The American version is half the price and there’s an eBook available. *sigh*.

Buying textbooks stresses me out. ):

138 – Throwback to happier times.

image

There was a pin making station at Exam Jam today. I, of course, couldn’t resist making one.

Really filled me up with nostalgia.
Brought me back to my high school days.

To that time when I was volunteering for Marpole Community Day with Jibek and we made these silly spinning paintings and I got Nick and Patrick to make me a pin even though it was meant for kids and volunteers weren’t supposed to be making them (to be fair, they made some too…). Besides, we’re all kids on the inside, right? Well, at least I am.

Also brought back memories of that time when I was at the night market with Tiff/Cece/Win/May and we made a bunch of pins because there was nothing better to do there. Felt like we were kids again – kinda like how we were when we all got together in 1st grade.

Those were happy times.
Times when we could be carefree without the worries about our future.
Moments we could enjoy with the little that we had.
Moments that make life worth living.

These thoughts make me happy
A little homesick
But happy nonetheless.

I miss these moments and I miss the people I had them with.

But they will surely come again.
Because happiness is and will always be a driving force of our world.

132 – Fight for what you really want.

Busier than ever. Trying to pull myself together. So many things running through my head.  Heavy.  But I will find a way.

My courseload has been rough on me. 3 lab courses in one semester was not  the  best idea. Lots of writing – especially since the Psych course I’m taking requires me to write a paragraph before every class.

Went to Nuit Blanche but didn’t get to see any of the cool things.  Neither did any of my friends that went – they were all wasted. Wish I could get drunk easily… Or at all. Makes it hard to like alcohol since it hasn’t had much effect on me. I suppose that’s a good thing. Drinking in college is overrated anyways, right?

My One Plus 2 arrived…sorta. I hadn’t been able to sign for the delivery guy so I’ll have to go pick it up on Monday. I’m excited to have a new phone after my S3’s been acting so wonky this year.

Saw a friend from high school today during work. Was slightly awkward. He thought I had transferred back for real. But I’ve been back since last year so really, really awkward. Well it’s not like we’ve been close since after 9th grade. So meh. Some friendships just don’t last.

Sometimes I wonder if I just push too many friendships out of my life as part of my introverted nature. People really wear me out. I love spending time with people but it just feels awful once I’m socially drained. I think this tendency to keep to myself runs in the family… Something something nature and nurture. 🙂

I had lunch with the summer lab pals yesterday.  (“lunch” was really a 4pm dinner for me). Talked a little about the elections (a consensus that none of us really want to re-elect Harper) and med/grad school apps.  That really weird but nice friend I’ve mentioned already has a few US interviews lined up. I’m a little envious, but also very happy for him. He really wants this.

Just made me think that if I don’t pull myself together then I won’t be able to make it there myself. If I don’t try harder,  then I don’t really want it (reference to Sky’s motivation video – YouTube it). So I have to give it by all. Live life with no regrets.  That sort of thing.

7am ultimate practice have also been giving me a reality check into how unfit I’ve been in the last few years. Going to work on that too because health is arguably more important than getting into med school. Arguably being the key word there. Heh.

But yeah. I’ve been watching Korean dramas again. In lieu of that, fighting!  ❤