133 – hope is on the horizon

Just gonna jot a few thoughts down before I have to head to school.

Didn’t get much sleep last night – 2 hours ish. Was busy doing my three assignments – 2 chem lab reports, one chem synthesis assignment, and one bio reading assignment for tonight’s lab. Going to be a loonnnggg day. Prob not gonna do well on the chem assignments. But I give up. My crappy laptop couldn’t handle the size of the damn excel files (literally took an hour just trying to format graphs since it would freeze for a whole minute every time I changed something). Not sure if the stereochemistry in my assignment is right. I should also rewrite it in pen. But meh. If I have time.

Really could’ve used my long Thanksgiving weekend better. Didn’t really use it at all. Spent it working, hanging out with friends, and doing the things I always do when I don’t really want to study. Sigh. Procrastination habits die hard.

Sometimes I think I’m just too overwhelmed from everything to do work. Too many hours of class, too many hours of extra stuff (work, volunteer, ultimate, CSU stuff, Brain Day stuff). I think I’m already mentally exhausted. It’s barely been a month.

I know I can do better.

But darn is it hard to keep my life in balance.

Still haven’t picked up my new phone.

Really, really want to.

But no. freaking. time.

On the bright side, I haven’t felt depressed in a while.

Though I’m not sure tired is any better of a feeling.

Not even sure if I’m stressed anymore. Everything feels numbed down.

But there are always brighter days ahead. I can feel it.

Always hanging on to the hope of the upcoming horizon.

The thought drives me forward.

And maybe this time, something will be different.

Maybe I’ll be able to change.

I know it’s highly unlikely, but it doesn’t hurt to say it.

Doesn’t hurt to try.

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123 – Trying not to compare myself with others.

I am surrounded by brilliant people.

And I suppose, I always have been.

I know it’s stupid to compare myself to other people, but I feel like it’s a natural tendency and it’s hard to stop doing it.

I look at my friends with better GPAs and likeable personalities

and see them struggling to get into medical school

and I can’t help but think

if they’re having trouble getting in, how could I possibility?

On one hand, they’re motivating me to try harder (though I’m unsure if this motivation is actually working).

On the other hand, it’s depressing (perhaps this is countering the motivation?).

It’s hard keep the thoughts out of my head:

I’m not good enough.

They are better than you.

But I know that thinking that way will only move me further from my goal.

So I mustn’t compare myself to anyone but myself.

I must shift the comparisons I’m making from out to within. I know I should be worrying about how I’m going to improve rather than thinking about how much there is improve.

I know I shouldn’t, but I still do.

I don’t do it often, but it sneaks its way into my head from time to time.

I think it’s just something I have to accept.

Maybe I just need to shift from “I’m not as good as them” to “They’re better so I can be better too”.

I think I can do that.

I know I can.

122 – just a little thank you.

I grew up with more or less the same group of friends. We’ve known each other since preschool/kindergarten/grade 1 and we lived through our elementary and high school years together. Birthday parties. Sports. Hanging out. Video games. Movies. We were close for a while, but gradually grew apart – as friends often do. But we’re still good friends that have loads of history (and too many stories that are too often brought up thought they act as nothing but sources of embarrassment, but friends will be friends).

I just have so much appreciation for the one friend in that circle that never forgets about me even though I’m off in this far away land and everyone else is back home.

Even though there’s no way I can attend an event back home, you invite me anyway.

Even though I can’t hang out with everyone, you bring me into a conversation discussing where and when we should hang out.

You are the only one I regularly keep in touch with (partly my fault on that regard).

And even though these are little things, they mean a ton.

I would say these words to your face (metaphorically speaking since you’re so far away), but you’ll probably be weirded out ’cause that’s how our friendship is.

We don’t say the words out loud.

But we just kinda know.

So thanks, Ceci (even though you’ll never read this).

I love you a lot, girl. ❤

71 – I’m back?

Not blogging has been really rough on me. I’ve been having a lot of interesting dreams as well as terrifying nightmares and it’s really taking a number on me. I think it helps to write about them. Try to decipher them, but not hold them as important or meaningful – Freud made the mistake of putting too much emphasis on dream interpretation…While they may contain messages,  I think in the unconscious world, imagination has free reign. And imagination is not fact, not truth, not meaning, it just is.

I’ve been pretty isolated from friends and just people in general but happily so – it’s nice to be home and not sick and cold. I do need to focus on being productive though. And not procrastinating. Sloth often has the best of me.

I want to write more. My passion has whittled down to a tiny flame and I can’t wait to help that flame grow into a hearty fireplace blaze. It will take a lot of time. A lot of learning. A lot of discovering just who I am as a writer. It’ll be challenging and fun. I just hope that I’ll let myself travel the road instead of standing still at the starting line. Motivation. Is. Key.

I’ve been reading lots and have finally dragged myself to the library again (well technically my mom drove me, but that’s beside the point). I never got a library card in Toronto, so it’s nice to just dive into that kind of atmosphere again. The first few steps into the place felt like walking into a sea of knowledge. I love it. I crave it. It’s euphoric.

Been watching a lot of Law and Order: SVU, catching up before the next season starts later this year (or next year). I love the show. It gives me a slice of life. Transports me into a world I will probably never venture in. Some episodes terrify me. Others leave me emotionally moved. It’s a good show.

The earth is beautiful. Gargantuan. Expanding for miles on miles in its complexity, mystery, and invocation. I could explore it forever and still never tire.

But internally, inside everyone of us is an equally beautiful world. With its own knots and tangles waiting to unfold, to be expressed. And I love it. Mind OR matter. There is much to discover here as well. And many of us choose not to go there. But I think it’s important. To understand ourselves before moving on to understand everything around us. Just a thought.

On a more relevant note, this blog needs a makeover. Desperately. I’ll give it one soon.

I have a lot to catch up on. Hopefully I’ll get back to reading blogs as well as writing them. 🙂

ineffability

Hi.

there is a miniature of you

that lives within my heart

and on the coldest nights

i melt into his arms

 

How are you?

he makes me laugh

much like you do

and during those moments

when you cannot be around

i find comfort by his side

i restore my broken self

knowing that

you are mine

for now

 

It’s okay.

he keeps me company in my dreams

he rescues me from a darkness

i never knew i had

but sometimes, just sometimes

i feel a little guilty

indulging in

another man

 

I miss you.

i think of all the ways

i could mould you to be like him

change you for the better

change you for my egotistic mind

but a single word from your lips

is enough to brush this all away

because the real thing is always better

 

Good night.

he is but a manifestation

of all the little things

you do for me

of the happiness

i find in you

and having him

by my side

only makes me realize

how much more

i rely on you

how much more

I love you.

52

I saw this image, or poem rather, on Tumblr and I thought how perfectly this describes and summarizes the thoughts running inside my head at this moment.

I need to get away from you for a while…and you won’t like it. I won’t like it either.

It’s ruining me. This happiness. This sadness. This loneliness.

I’m scared also that you’ll find someone to replace me if I disappear for a while, but I think I’m going to have to take the risk.

I can’t deal with my thoughts and feelings being toyed like this. Unintentionally, of course.

It hurts me that you’re oblivious to it all.

It hurts me because it’s not your fault at all – I’m not exactly normal.

I just want to be normal.

I just want to be myself again.

I’m sorry.

But I’m not sorry.

I’m just a little lost.

Time will heal me.

silly soul

sometimes battered, pressed of good

sometimes forgotten, misunderstood

trying to love again, but shut down every time

world is a mess, a mud-crusted grime

 

open heart

to be torn apart

silly soul to love as such

silly soul to love this much

 

wrath fades too fast to frivolity

revenge too caught up in inequality

no moves made, chess board is broken

strings cut loose, words left unspoken

 

open heart

to be torn apart

silly self to lose as such

silly self to lose this much

 

open heart but closed off mind

no thoughts to render emotions kind