120

Feeling weary and tired.

No doubt due to numerous nightmares I had last night.

Sometimes I wish I didn’t dream so vividly.

To make matters worse, I had decaf coffee this morning (I wanted to try it). It tastes better. But doesn’t give me the zing of energy I get from regular coffee. I didn’t even get much of a placebo effect (probably because I knew it was decaf and that only works when you think it’s regular coffee). I think I’ll stick with regular coffee. The caffeine is what has me hooked on the stuff – not the taste.

Anxious about my presentation on Thursday. I don’t know if what I have is even presentable material. It feels too simple. I feel like I’ll just get a “Oh, good” reaction rather than an “Ah, cool!”. I could live with that. I guess.

Was vortexing my samples when I noticed a drawer labelled “Fried chicken and watermelon”. It’s nice to know that whoever was making labels for these drawers has a good sense of humour. Maybe FCW stands for something. Not sure.

Wasn't even kidding.

Wasn’t even kidding.

I did check inside the drawers though. No fried chicken nor watermelon. Only some petri dishes and fluoropel. Yeah, not so exciting.

Can’t wait to get home and snuggle in my bed. Rain always makes me want to just curl up and read a book. Awful weather lately (thunderstorm last night resulted in subway delays this morning). Actually, screw “lately”, awful weather all the time in Toronto.

Welp. Just gotta make do.

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119 – Oodles of Doodles of Happiness

I just think oodles is an adorable word.

Work was good today. I changed my procedure a bit so it can be done with minimal errors. It’s amazing the amount of technical expertise you can gain from google (not really, but I learned how to pipette ethers without losing half the quantity). The samples we ran yesterday have decent peaks so it seems like my sample prep is working. Just need to test it on lower concentrations now (*fingers crossed it works and I don’t have alter it again*).

Went to the sushi place by University and Dundas – the one I went to often last year when I was living at Chestnut. The sushi is cheap (4.99+tax! :D), service is fast, and the quality is decent for what I pay. Haven’t gone back there for months now, so I was surprised to see little paintings on their walls.

There were these little animals and pokemon under the takeout menu and they totally made my day. They’re the kind of critters I draw when I’m bored in class. Couldn’t resist taking pictures, of course. 🙂

Just got off the phone with my mom (not really, she said like two sentences to me before passing the phone to our family friend and then saying she’ll call me later cause her phone is running out of batteries), and feeling just a twinge of homesickness. Usually when family friends are visiting, that means a lot of good food. I’m. So. Missing. Good. Food. T_T

Other than that, I can’t really complain. I think I’m finally getting used to living here (like two years late, but whatever), but living here is definitely not preferable to back home.

As a little moment of the inner spoiled me speaking: I miss good internet and playing games on an actual computer and flaaffy my stuffed sheep and my mokona’s and playing on my wii and all my friends of course and weather that doesn’t change from hot to cold to hot again and trees, there just aren’t as many here and my family and the city itself….

Whew.

I’m glad I got that out.

108 – Tests ruin learning & My biggest fear.

My happy mood from Monday was shortlived. I thoroughly enjoyed studying for my PSY290 midterm on Tuesday, learning a lot about the brain that I thought would be perfect supplementary material to share with kids during my Brain Day presentations (I’m doing one tomorrow….alone because the association doesn’t read their emails or offer any support when your partner cannot make it).

The midterm itself was crushing. Every question made me feel worse and worse. As an inherently indecisive person taking a multiple choice exam with options from a) to e) with e) often being “both a and b”, every decision I made on that exam stressed me out. This is probably the reason I would not consider a Biology major – purely MC exams cause me unwarranted amounts of anxiety. The questions picked at details and were sometimes very vaguely phrased. I didn’t feel like I was being tested on the main concepts I learned in class. I felt like I was being tested on knowing every single little detail found in the lecture slides and in the textbook. The questions were so focused that it was difficult to see the point of the test. To make matters worst, I didn’t find out about the past test someone posted up on Facebook until 5 minutes before the test. I know he probably reused some of those questions. Ugh. That test was not an accurate measure of my learning. Not one bit.

I’m starting to feel a bit better after that crushed my mood. Hopefully I can get over it by tomorrow when I have to talk about the brain for a few hours in front of children. I don’t want to come across as someone who doesn’t have enthusiasm about science – this neurobiology course (PSY290) is just really pushing me down.

Tests suck. They really do. They take the joy out of learning – especially if they’re not written well. I do enjoy learning neurobiology. In fact, biology itself was very interesting to me. The way I’m tested in these courses though? Nope. Just nope.

Starting watching House (from the first season!) last night, having heard about what it’s about in my abnormal psych class, and already I’m hooked. I wish I had started watching earlier. A couple of my friends in high school used to watch it avidly. I feel like I would’ve really had something to talk about with them. As someone who wants to get into med school and who loves Sherlock Holmes (one of the inspirations behind the Dr House character), I find the show intellectually stimulating, funny, and interesting. Looks like I found a new source of procrastination. Opps.

But watching House really put me in a better place. I’m thankful for that.

Was chatting with a friend about how my biggest fear is not being able to return home. It really is. If I somehow get accepted into a grad/med school here or somewhere else far away from home and I don’t get accepted back home, I’d be stuck here. Stuck in a place that won’t give me a break from illness and stress and depression. This is not good for my long-term health. He called it a bit of a first world problem: “being accepted into a good grad school but not the one I want”. True, but still my problem. I miss my family lots. He asked why, if this was my biggest fear, I didn’t study harder for a better GPA. I told him simply that this city has made me sick and unmotivated (and oh how it has). He understood, wishing me well. I appreciate the support, but I just wish I could have what he and so many of my friends have – an adaptiveness towards this city and a disposition in favour for what it is. Maybe I’ll find something this summer. After all, I did go back last summer and didn’t really see this whole other possible side to the city. Maybe this summer, I’ll be able to find that which I’m looking for.

96 – living in my own little world.

I’ve been quite lost lately, drifting from one world to the next, not really knowing what to do or what I’d like to do. I daydream a lot and often imagine myself as someone different. It has never bothered me before, but suddenly something feels off. As if I’m missing something.

Maybe I’m just lonely. I haven’t made a ton of friends here in this cold, heartless city. And I’m not sure I will. I miss home. But I’m not sure that’s why I’m getting this feeling. Not sure what the problem is.

I keep feeling like I want to be somewhere else, like I want to do something different. But I can never grasp it.

Throughout my life, I’ve never really been inclined towards socializing. Not in the normal way – calling friends, meeting up, and chatting and texting whilst in the middle of class. Never really thought that anyone would even want to do that with me. Never got close enough to anyone I suppose. It’s probably my own shortcomings in that sense – if I was more open, more extroverted, perhaps I would have realized that sometimes you have to make the first effort to blossom a relationship. Friendship is giving from both sides, never taking. I should’ve known that. I know it’s not too late to make the effort. And I will. As soon as I stop feeling this way. This hollow, indescribable feeling that I thought I was strong enough to suppress.

I think when I was younger, it wasn’t due to a lack of effort. I think I really did try, in my own way. Try to get everyone around me to like me. Try to act like everyone else. I also think, in a complicated way, I was also bullied by the people I trusted most. Not bullying with harmful intents, but “innocent” teasing that little kids like to partake in. And I think that’s when I stopped trusting the offline world.

I started writing a lot back then. In pieces of paper. Journals that I would throw away after writing a couple of entries. It disgusted me. How I felt. The depression. I wanted to appear happy.

And perhaps that’s where I am now.

Appearing happy.

But I mustn’t think that.

Because when I start to think that, depression will latch on to another piece of hope. Hope of returning into my life. Making it even more difficult to open up to people.

I think what I’d really like right now is a nice, open conversation. It doesn’t even have to be with someone I know well. Someone to talk to about life. Have a discussion filled with respect for each other.

I used to have conversations like that. With strangers on the Internet. But they didn’t feel like strangers to me. They felt like the friends I was lacking all along. And that made me feel like the world was a place worth living in. A beautiful place filled with beautiful people. I still believe that. At least I think I do. I think everyone is beautiful in their own way. And I think I have been forgetting that.

It’s hard to hold such conversations with the people I meet in my everyday life. To hold such a discussion requires trust and respect – something that develops over time, I believe. The type of conversation you would hold with your best friend – as it requires a certain level of intimacy.

I never realized how fortunate I was back when people shared their secrets with me – even though they barely knew who I was.

That was a blessing I never really appreciated and I miss dearly now.

I think someday, I am going to have a friend that I can hold conversations with. I think someday, if I put in the effort and really value the people that I meet, then I can get there. And I hope that when that time comes, I’ll appreciate the comfort and opportunity for what it is.

For now, I need to work on my resolutions. Make myself a better person. And I think my confidence, self esteem, and true happiness will follow.

 

—-

I feel much better having written all of this down. I feel like there’s hope for me yet. That someday, this hollow indescribable feeling won’t even make me flinch because I’d have the cure right around the corner.

91

Had a pretty decent Halloween just relaxing and playing games on the Wii U with a group of friends. I wish it wasn’t like a monsoon outside – the poor kids trick or treating had such a rough night. But having been a kid myself not too long ago, I know getting the candy in the end is worth any amount of rain and wind.

Definitely feels good  to do nothing after such an awful week. I know I have that midterm next Thursday and an assignment due Monday, but right now, it feels awfully wonderful to be indulging in myself.

I am probably going to drop that organic chemistry course I was talking about. It’s a third year course so it’s not like I’ll be behind if I drop it. Plus my mom’s right – I need to take care of my health before anything else.

I freaked out when I saw the brightly coloured wall with MUJI written upon it. No longer will I have to depend on trips to Hong Kong to get stationery I love. *So excited*.

I’m happy. After a long, tiring, stressful, and emotional series of events this week, I feel much better.

90 – Picking myself up.

Yesterday was unhappy, stressful, and disappointing, but I am recovering.

I was trying to study for the organic chemistry midterm yesterday on Tuesday (the night before), but I just felt terribly sick. I’ve never felt anything quite like that. Wanting to vomit, my eyes getting blurry, and a migraine pulsating through my brain. I wanted to rest, but at the same time, I felt unprepared for the midterm because of all the other things happening this week. I had planned weeks and weeks in advance to attend the LIGHTS concert in Toronto (which was amazing by the way) which just happened to occur on the Monday of this dreadful week. I spent my Sunday playing intramural Ultimate and working on my lab report for a lab which coincidentally was the morning before the midterm. Not only was there are a lab, but it was the hardest lab of the year (as specified by my friends who had taken the course and also by my TA), involving parts of 3 experiments to be performed and the rest of the lab report had to be completed during the lab and had to be handed in right away afterwards. Preparing for that lab took hours (I would say almost 10-12). On Tuesday, I had to bake cupcakes for the CSU (Chemistry Student Union) to sell during ASSU (Arts and Science Student Union) day and because of that, I had to go to school early to avoid the rush hour (I went around 7am).

Due to how terrible I felt that night, I wasn’t sure I was going to make it through the day (I have 12 hour Wednesdays…). The biggest mistake I made was taking that midterm on a load of painkillers instead of simply skipping it and going to see a doctor. Because of that mistake, I will most likely have to drop the course due to how badly I performed on that mid-term. I froze really hard and  couldn’t think – half of which I would contribute to my disoriented state and half of which I would contribute to the lack of studying. This lack of studying could further be divided into a lack of time and a lack of responsibility on my part. I’d like to believe that it all was due to circumstance that I did poorly, but I know that if I hadn’t slacked off as much as I did the previous week, I would be in a much better position.

I also know that I’ve been in a tough position in regards to my mental and physical health lately and that I can’t be too hard on myself right now. It’s more difficult living alone than I thought it would be.

After sobbing my heart out last night and giving a call to my mom, I feel a lot better. I am always completely transparent to my mom about how I’m doing in school and how I’m feeling (although I can’t say she deals well with how I’m feeling some of the time and sometimes she does make it worse, but not this time). It was comforting to hear her say that I should not stress about my grades so much and worry more about my health (sleep more, eat more, eat healthier, take your damn medication thingy and your iron supplements, etc) and I think that she’s absolutely right. My health is more important than doing well in my education. You can do bad in school and still be happy as long as you are healthy. I think it’s much harder to be happy when you are ill (which is why I hate Toronto so much). More than anything, my mom wants me back with her in one piece and I think that’s the best support I’ve gotten from her in a long while.

I am going to talk to my professor about the midterm tomorrow, if only to add his perspective to mine before I rashly drop the course. The midterm was worth 20%, and in a previous quiz worth 12.5%, I did not do too well (nor did the rest of the class really). If I get something like 50% on that midterm, it could ruin my chances of raising my grade at all. Unlike my psychology course which I have decided to suffer though, I really care about the content in this course. I want to do well in it. I love organic chemistry and I don’t want a bad mark on my transcript on this particular subject because it will give the wrong impression to anything that looks at it.

I felt like I had disappointed myself as well as the professor. He’s an amazing teacher and his tests are fair and based entirely on what he teaches. If I had properly studied as I should have, I would not have ended up in that situation. If I do end up dropping the course, I would very much enjoy continuing to attend his class (if he would allow me access to his lecture notes).

For now, I am going to stress out less about how I’m doing in school and focus on just being happy. My friends would probably judge me if I end up with less than appealing grades (based on my history) but I think they would also understand seeing how they’re going through the same thing. So in the end, it really doesn’t matter – if I take longer to reach my dream, so be it. I’ll enjoy every single second of it.

For now, I am going to take care of myself. Mentally and physically. If I ever feel like the I’m deathly sick like I did yesterday, I am going to see a doctor right away even if I have to go to the emergency room I hate ever so much. I made the wrong decision yesterday and I won’t make it again.

For now, I am just going to let it go.

Just gonna take what life throws at me one lemon at a time (I don’t think that’s the right expression, but I’m not a baseball fan so curveballs just sounds worse to me).