The Power of Starlight

found myself on tumblr again, for inspiration. source is linked.

When I was younger, sometimes my emotions would get the best of me. Depressing thoughts would rattle my mind until I broke down and lost track of who I was and who I thought I could be.

But when the stars came out and joined the moon in the beautiful night sky, I would find peace and hope, find truth in the infinities, and feel better.

The stars made me feel a little less alone.

They brought with them the promise that someday my wishes might actually come true.

And that was enough.

Looking up at the night sky, I would feel a tremendous surge of serenity. A calmness engulfing every inch of my body. Soothing my mind enough so that I could fall asleep without worry.

Perhaps just the privilege of being able stargaze made me feel a little less ordinary. Because how could I be ordinary when subjected to such an extraordinary sight?

It was if I could see a magic in the stars, something brilliant and indescribable. And that magic made me matter.

Underneath the multitude of constellations, I felt like my life meant something.

And this was long before I came to accept that my life does matter – to me and to the people I love.

Even now, I feel oddly drawn towards the night sky.

In a way, it saved me from myself. From my excessive doubts and overwhelming depression.

A celestial connection.

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Related to this matter, this is one of my favourite songs:

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78 – I will thrive someday.

Had a really hard time yesterday.

I failed my driving learner’s test. I really didn’t want to. Didn’t mean to. And I knew I was ready. But sometimes you can’t account for nerves, can’t account for emotions, and sometimes those things can get the best of you. I broke down, of course. Because failure isn’t something anyone likes. It’s stressful. I wanted it done this year. Before I have to go back to Toronto again. There’s been a whole ton of money invested into driving lessons and I feel I let that all slip away from me. So I was devastated. This failure combined with all the stress of not knowing where I should go, being rejected on so many fronts from UBC (they insist on making me a year behind), and having my self esteem wrecked at work. It was really too much. It was worse than failing my ARCT exam. By a margin of miles.

But I pulled it together. There are so many beautiful things in life that I have yet to discover. So many little things that make me smile everyday. And life’s too short to waste it constantly on tears. So I pulled it together. Took a nice warm shower and settled down to find things that make me happy.

And I was happy again. For a little while.

Then my mom came home.

I’m going to give her the benefit of the doubt and say she just had a bad day, but I know it’s not true. Especially not after the hurtful reasoning she threw at me. She yelled at me for not trying hard enough. Not practicing enough. Procrastinating on it until the last minute. She said it was the same way with piano. The way I wouldn’t practice. And the way I failed. And that hurt. I had related the two exams by the feelings of failure and disappointment in myself I felt, by the mental breakdowns I had. But she related it to my horrible work ethics, to my inability.

And I was too battered by my earlier breakdown – I was barely keeping myself together at that point – to fight back.

But she’s wrong.

I failed my test due to my nerves, due to my getting flustered after one mistake. And there’s really no way to prepare for that. All I can do is try again. And it’s not likely to be this summer with all the appointments booked. And frankly, after having all my tenacity wasted on UBC, I don’t have the willpower to call everyday and check if they have an appointment open (because every time they say they don’t, it’s another disappointment in my face).

It was the same way with piano. My nerves always got the best of me. I would mess up entire songs at piano recitals, do horribly in piano competitions because I couldn’t get my fingers to stop shaking or be too stiff.  I agree that I should’ve practiced more in terms of piano. But I also believe I should’ve stopped playing a long, long time ago. I enjoy playing what I want. Not classical music that showcases my nonexistent technique. I want to be playing for my sake, for making others happier, not to impress some examiner. And thus, I could never be motivated to take the exam again.

I’m not good in situations where I’m openly judged. But I’ll try again with driving. But I won’t with piano. And it’s wrong. To think that practicing more will get rid of all my mistakes, all of my nervousness. I’m sure there are classes to  help relieve nerves. To make someone feel better about interviews, public speaking, performances. And I’m sure I could use those. But I’m also happy knowing that I’m not charismatic, I’m not a natural performer. And you can’t bash me for that.

I was at a cavernous low yesterday. It’s been a long, long time since I’ve even had the thought of suicide. And it came to me yesterday. Like a ghost. In the clutches of a pill case with forty-ish pills of naproxen. I’m sure I could overdose if I took all of them at once even if they’re two years old. Or at least feel nothing for a long time. But I would never.

Suicide requires a crap ton of bravery which I don’t have.

Not to mention a huge load of stupidity.

It’s never a good idea to kill yourself. That’s why I’ve always shook my head at the idea of Romeo and Juliet. The future is full of choices to make. You can bring yourself anywhere. Move beyond anything. And there’s no reason to stop and give up just because you’re at a low point in life. Just smile. There’s probably a high point just waiting around the corner.

I got my boyfriend to talk me down from my frantic hyperventilation. To calm my sobs into a sluggish sleepy slate. And after a good night’s rest, I feel better. My mom acts like she wasn’t the one who inflicted all this horrible pain upon me last night. And whatever. We’ll leave it at that.

I’m done with blaming others. Everything you feel can be controlled by you. And I can choose next time not to be hurt. (Though I probably will. Work in progress..?)

I’m happy again.

I have a million problems to worry about, to try and find solutions to.

But it’s okay.

I’m happy again.

Child of Light (review)

child_of_light_logo

Not much new in my life as of late, so I figured I might as well express my appreciation for the Ubisoft Montreal game Child of Light.

The game itself is fantastical and reads like a fairy tale. The artwork is simplistic but beautiful and feels like something out of a storybook. The characters all talk in rhyme and the plot is like something akin to Snow White or Sleeping Beauty – except there are no princes in this story, only a princess who fights her way out of a mystical land to save her people.

The dialogue is enticing and the main character Aurora is absolutely captivating. She starts out innocent and naive, but quickly grows to be mature and quite frankly, powerful with a sort of wisdom towards the end that comes as a bit of a surprise. Kudos to the story development, the game was enchanting and classic. The story itself took many elements from classic fairy tales and wasn’t very creative, but the integration into a game was very unique. The other characters have simple, funny, and lighthearted personalities and it really contributes to the overall feel and enjoyment of the game.

I loved the gameplay. At the start of the game, the jumping platform system may seem traditional and overdone, but the transition into flying mechanics was wonderful. I’ve never been able to fly in a 2d platform-based game before and I fell in love with idea. There are still traps and monsters around every corner and it was very well planned with hidden passages here and there. I enjoyed the integration of  local multiplayer controls, as the mouse controls Igniculus, a flying firefly that does neat things during battle and during map movement, and the keyboard controls Aurora. The combat system is turn-based, reminiscent of Final Fantasy, but the turn interruptions and the integration of Igniculus which can heal your characters or slow the enemy down, made it more thrilling.

The player collects fairy dust to upgrade their characters’ stats and gems called occuli that can be upgraded/combined and used to power-up the characters. Although at one stage, the game bugged out and I lost a whole bunch of occuli that was equipped on my characters, so I was disheartened from the game for the rest of day (but not for long!).

Overall, the artwork and the background music created an extremely pleasant atmosphere. It was the kind of game I enjoy most so I can’t say it’s for everyone.

The best part of the game would probably be discovering that Beatrice Martin, or Coeur de Pirate as she is known, did the soundtrack. I must say, she did very well. I was enchanted and shocked to hear her voice at the end. As a Coeur de Pirate fan, I seized a copy of the OST immediately. It is now one of my favourite soundtracks to listen to as I fall asleep.

Music and I

Music is the toxin

I have yet to find the cure for

The plague within my heart

That grows on ever more

 

The black and white monster

Inflicting terror on my mind

Will never cease to haunt me

Will always trail behind

 

My tears have no effect

In this never ending war

The battles come from day to day

Knocking at my door

 

Some days I wander hopeless

Some days I want to stop

But I must not lose this struggle

I must fight until I drop

 

In the end I still believe

That every monster, every beast

Every little evil thing

Has a bit of love at least

 

A little bit of light that shines

Through the darkness, through the void

A charming smile to bring out hope

A wooing rhythm to be enjoyed

 

So music, now I must ask you, do you dare?

I see the goodness in you, fair and square.

allegro appassionato

I cannot reach inside

to pull apart

your strings

You

monster

that plagues my darkened heart

I press hard

with all my strength

trying to tear apart

the strings of your design

I push harder and harder

with every chord

pounding

crushing

but useless

A resonating melody

sings

taunts

I hate

your corrosive laugh

 

My fingers grow numb

their energy drained

but their hatred sustained

fine

fine

you win this time

muse of light

black, white,

muse of light.

 

pressing down with all my might

the keys of my sorrow

the sharps of my fight

my dreams of tomorrow

and the flats of tonight.

 

your roar is loud enough to conquer my doubt, soft enough to put me to sleep,

tender enough to soften my tears, true enough to reach way down deep.

 

sometimes i play you when the world shuts its lights away

when all i feel is the dull, cold gray.

and sometimes i play you when my life feels wrong,

when i’ve lost hold of what i knew all along.

but mostly, i play you when my heart has reached its bitter bounds,

when i’m in need of your soothing sound.

 

when i play you, you shed your black and white coat

and you light the colours inside you afloat.

 

i resent you so much when i am forced to play

but sometimes

just sometimes

you make my day.

A Love Song

This is perhaps the first love poem I have ever written that doesn’t damn romantic love in any way and hopefully, it won’t be my last.

—-

You and I are a love song, encased with the world’s cheesiest clichés,

Every gentle melody, every pitched emotion wrapped around our days,

And every beat of this musical piece creates a memorandum in my heart,

Our sentiments intertwined in lustful lyrics, a vivid piece of art.

 

And everytime the chorus comes along, we’ll forget the world exists,

We’ll walk under this evergreen canopy as euphoria persists,

This is the lullaby that soothes my thoughts when I can’t fall asleep at night,

These are the upbeats and the downbeats that make every single little thing feel right.

 

But our love isn’t just some verse, some strung together chant, some expressive cry,

Unlike a forsaken aria doomed to see an end, our love continues and won’t ever die.