A Glass Cage

exasperated by our fruitless interactions

no longer can I speak

when the words are cutting deep

onto wounds that haven’t healed

from our past defeats.

 

I’m finding it hard to believe

that we can make the change

we promised we would

but you know

some things

just stay the same.

 

I reach out

but my fingers just can’t reach

guess this is what they mean

by so close but yet so far.

 

I feel taunted, tricked, deceived

for I can see the brighter future

that lies beyond this glassed cage

but my punches and my kicks only seem to ricochet.

 

I press my forehead against the cold surface

rest my fists and close my eyes

my arms and legs are shaking

I’m a little terrified.

 

We’ve looked in every nook and cranny

searching for our mistakes

trying to find reason why

we’re cracking along the edges

but now I think I realize

that you can’t make fire from ashes

you can’t fix what never was.

 

my knees cave in and I fall to the ground

drained and hopeless

lost and alone

suffocated

and drowned.

 

the tears falling from my face

burn upon my blistered palm

all the pain I had supressed

as I fought against the tide

flood down upon my heavy heart

and slowly tears me apart

from the inside.

 

but I think I have

just enough

for one last and final try

so please

save me from this misery

before my love begins to rot

let us push against this wretched glass

with everything we’ve got.

still we play

a crushing sense

of instability

tormented rationality

and

a sliver of

hope.

 

some days I feel triumph

beating in my heart

and other days

misery is

lurking in the dark

 

I’m just trying to make sense of it all

‘cause all of this

feels like a game

but I’m the one

being played

and I think I lost this

before the first move was even made

 

but still we play

as every move

brings us closer

to the brink

of insanity

and though every day

feels like a mistake

 

still we play

‘cause sometimes

just playing the game

brings satisfaction

in some unexpected way

and sometimes

it brings realizations

that change

the way

we play

 

and still we play

because if

the game is not static

then neither

is the outcome

and

we

don’t

always

have

to

be

the losers

 

and we’ll never stop playing

through all the pain

and all the doubts

because there has to be a way

we just haven’t found it yet

 

so we’ll continue

just.

like.

this.

 

brushing away the hate

denying evil their win

escorting negativity

out of our hearts

and clearing a space

for light to seep in

and finding out

that our ace

is none other

than the love that lies within.

Fighting Expectations

Feels like I’m fighting a losing battle
Between who I want to be
And who I am.

I force a smile
But I can feel
The knife held against my throat
An unwanted weight upon my chest
And my blood curdling beneath it all.

I grit my teeth
Prepare myself for the blow
Anticipation in my veins
But the impact does not come.

I exhale in relief
Try to move forward
But still the fear won’t dissipate.

Who am I really?
And why is it
That I can’t be good enough
Just the way I am?

A shadow grabs me by the wrist
Drags me to my knees
Traps me in a prison of doubts
And subjects me to my own hesitations.

Bitter contemplation
Fuels my distate
And I lose motivation
In plotting my escape.

Laughter echoes in these halls of agony
I shut my eyes and give into the pain.

Silence
For a moment.

Then I hear it.

The clockwork rhythm
Of my beating heart.

I bite my lips
Feel the blood rush into my cheeks
And just like that
I’m marching to a different beat.

Just like that
I’m on higher ground
And no one, nothing
Will bring me down.

Music and I

Music is the toxin

I have yet to find the cure for

The plague within my heart

That grows on ever more

 

The black and white monster

Inflicting terror on my mind

Will never cease to haunt me

Will always trail behind

 

My tears have no effect

In this never ending war

The battles come from day to day

Knocking at my door

 

Some days I wander hopeless

Some days I want to stop

But I must not lose this struggle

I must fight until I drop

 

In the end I still believe

That every monster, every beast

Every little evil thing

Has a bit of love at least

 

A little bit of light that shines

Through the darkness, through the void

A charming smile to bring out hope

A wooing rhythm to be enjoyed

 

So music, now I must ask you, do you dare?

I see the goodness in you, fair and square.

Stronger Now

Your glass shell was cracking along the side

From all the assumptions and disbeliefs

From all the hurting and all the griefs

That left you terrified.

Your smile was as rigid as a marionette’s,

As bitter as a fool in defeat,

As whole as it was incomplete,

As cold as it gets.

 

Yesterday was tough for you,

But you held, you fought,

Stood for your thought,

And alas, you pulled through.

 

The sun will shine a little brighter today,

Fuelled by a little love,

A little wishing up above,

It’s all going to be okay.

Those who’ve hurt you will fall once more,

Your shield is renewed, your armour repaired,

Your foes standing:  stumped, shaking, scared.

You’re stronger now, stronger…than you were ever before.

The Process

maybe it wasn’t about resistance

not about change

but about the battle

about having something to believe in

when everything else was blurred.

 

and maybe it wasn’t about friendship

not about the bond

but just to erase this loneliness

just to feel the warmth.

 

but there is nothing wrong with

loving

it is never wrong to

love

for motives the same

and motives different

is it not still

love

at the least?

Long-Distance Relationship

My fist clenches.

My eyes widen.

But I’m not angry.

 

My heart quickens.

I stand frozen.

But I’m not scared.

 

I blink

and overthink.

My thoughts go down the drain.

My soul is in pain.

 

Do you hear it?

The rhythm of a tragedy.

Do you feel it?

The thundering of a thousand dreams

about to be shattered.

Do you wish it?

Surely you did not foresee

this disaster to be.

 

Ready yourself

Throw on your arms

The battle is tough

And it’s up to you

to see it through.

 

What a scoundrel, what a fool,

These feelings are but a tool.

 

Take off into the arena and follow where your heart takes you.

Love.

Though love extends its reach for miles and miles,

Love has its own set of games, its own set of trials.