158 – learning how to write again

I haven’t written anything in a terribly long time. I am afraid I’ve lost my words. And it scares me to stare at a blank document, fingers poised over the keys, only for nothing to come out of it. I hunger for how I was once able to spill my heart out over my sleeve without a second thought, and be fearlessly vulnerable in self reflection. What has changed? And who am I anymore?

I am currently working on my application for residency and am terribly stuck on writing on my personal statement. It’s been so long since I’ve articulated anything and I feel inept to write anything, let alone a statement to highlight my best characteristics. I feel the pressure though to get this moving, from my peers and internally as well. I never thought it would be difficult to write 500-1000 words – it doesn’t seem like very much – but I guess when you’re stuck, you’re stuck. There’s no way around it…I’ve got to find a way through.

I think I want to start here though. Where writing is less intimating. Where I can wade around into shallow water before I remember how to swim again – without the risk of drowning. Because I think it would be easy to drown right now. To become so overwhelmed with the stress that I become crippled under the pressure, unable to make any progress at all. The hole is right there, ready for me to jump into. Tantalizing me. The sweet temptation of procrastination urging me to leave it all for later. I mean, how important is the rest of your life anyway?

I am going to start writing again. To remember who I am and how I got here, and where I want to be. That’s really all they want to know about me anyway. And I suppose it wouldn’t hurt to try and sell myself a bit. I don’t know if I can really do that right now though. I don’t feel worthy nor capable of achieving great things. I don’t feel accomplished. I feel inadequate in the face of my peer. I’m going to do my best.

with purpose

busy streets and the sweet smell of rain
the harrowing roar of the incoming train
we stare blankly, confused but so aware
we are lost, but we don’t seem to care

everyday, we searched for something more
and hoped that when we turned past each concrete corner
that we’d see something we’d never seen before
something to justify how long we’ve suffered within our lonely selves
something to bring back the light into the hollows of our eyes
something to answer the darkness drowning in our cries

there’s a bridge ahead
it creaks and moans
and we know that when we cross
it will fall apart beneath our feet
but we don’t need to hesitate
we know just where we need to be

our fingers lock
you hold me steady
we take each step in perfect synchrony
and we feel the warmth coursing through us
as the sun rises
banishing the demons of our past
we have found a new horizon at long last.

for someone who mattered

This poem is an apology to someone who I didn’t deserve.

I chose the friends who taunted me
over your loyal company
and I regret it just a little bit now
but back then I just didn’t know how
how to fight the feelings of wanting to fit in
how to be myself and not feel so stretched thin
how to sing proudly and not fear my voice’s sound
how to look within myself and once again be found.

We used to go on adventures and fight battles in our make-believe wars
the playground was our castle and the fields, the great outdoors
we believed we were untouchable, better than the rest
we cast spells against our enemies who got too close to our nest
we would close our eyes, as our imaginations intensified
and every day was different and delightful with you by my side
those days I will cherish, a memoir of better years
days that were filled in fascination, in courage, and in cheers.

So I’m sorry I was fragile, I was stupid, I was meek
I swore we would be friends forever, but I was gone within a week
I didn’t deserve you
the me who was so easily swayed from one side to the next
but I just can’t help but hope we’ll meet again in some pretext.

I hope you are doing well
I hope you have found your way
I hope there are people who are there for you
who love and care for you
who brighten up your day

and I hope they aren’t as foolish as the me from those years past
I hope those friendships flourish
I hope those friendships last.

solace in solitude

I closed my eyes for peace of mind
but in my heart, still I find
fragments of your silhouette
begging me desperately, don’t you forget
how the adrenaline coursed through our veins
how symphonic our interchange between refrains
how our battles were conquered, one by one
divergent to convergent, infinity to none.

I take a deep breath and let this song fall out of tune
find myself some solace beneath the stars and the moon
it’s time I found some distance from these thoughts drenched in the essence of you
and learned to live for myself in spite of all that we’ve been through
I brace myself for the chilling numbness of another solitary night
but a surprisingly warmth overtakes me
and suddenly everything feels light,
there’s a life yet ahead of me
and it’s going to be alright.

157 – I had forgotten.

There are so many things I want to tell you, but I no longer have the right to say anything but thank you. Thank you so much. For being there during the darkest year of my life. For listening when I didn’t think anyone else would. For being so darn easy to talk to that I no longer felt the need to write out my thoughts. You were my blank canvas. And you let me paint you over and over. And not a single complaint. No matter how hard my brush strokes scratched against your surface. You took every Newton of that force in perfect stride. Thank you.

And now that you’re gone, I’m going to have to learn how to live again. How to make myself whole when I feel like rubble collapsing deep into this Earth. I want to disappear. To pretend I don’t care if the whole world forgets about me. But darn, I still care too much. So I put on those fake smiles and that false sense of confidence, hoping that it’s just enough to get me over the finish line. But it’s still far from here. I’ve a long way to go. And I can’t make it there if I’m sinking so easily in the shallowest waters.

I cried for days. And at first, I blamed you. It was your fault I was hurting like this. It was your fault I couldn’t move on. It was your fault for rejecting me when I needed someone the most. But I was wrong. I was heartbroken, but that didn’t make me miserable. I had just forgotten how depressed I was before I met you. I had forgotten what depression even felt like. And I so mistook it for a broken heart. I thought that if I got over you, I would be happy again. That all the weight upon my shoulders would be lifted with time. Because they told me that time will heal a broken heart. But it doesn’t necessarily heal a broken person. A broken person like me before I met you. Like me after losing you.

I can try to chalk it up to some stupid miswiring of the neurotransmitters in my brain. But I can’t help but think that it was me. wired those neurons to be this way. I set myself up for failure with years of self-isolation, angst, and reluctance to acknowledge the people that cared me about me. I did this. It’s all my fault.

And don’t tell me I’m wrong. Not yet, anyway. Because for now, maybe it’s not so bad to be thinking like this. To believe that if  I made some mistakes somewhere along the way to get to where I am now, then maybe I can make some right decisions to get to where I want to be. To believe that I’m not powerless.

Maybe I’ll take a page out of twelve-year old me’s book and go back to my age-old motto of “Believe in yourself”.

Yeah. Let’s do that.

Believe in yourself.

this castle of mine

there is a weakness emerging from the shadows that threatens to consume me

I’ve lost the will to stand and fight and so I cower within my fortress

I shut my eyes and cross my arms –

shift my thoughts into another place more gentle than this reality

I believe for a moment that I am safe in the haven of my own mind

but these walls will not protect me from the poison rising from the floor

every second, it creeps closer

and closer

until someday it will take my breath away

with no intention of giving it back.

 

as I brace myself for the surrender

I lean back against the cold stone

and to my surprise, a new path emerges – a secret of this castle

I find that I am no longer paralyzed from the depths of this malicious maelstrom

instead all around me, a growing sense of freedom

I open my eyes and there is hope where nothing existed before

a new chapter lies beyond this path

and I am honoured to be its witness.

a collection of heartbeats

catch me, as I’m falling deeper every day

just a single word takes my breath away

just one word fixates you in my head

and if I try to fight it, I fall further still instead

but please don’t ever stop, everything is fine

when you tell me that you love me, you tell me you are mine.

 

this feeling of adoration does figure eights around my heart

a blush that keeps me warm at night though we’re far apart

it’s as if I’m wrapped tightly in your arms, as I gaze upon the stars

so if freedom is to be without, then lock me behind these bars.

 

I dream about the day in which we’ll meet again,

enjoying coffee and cats, somewhere in the city of rain.