“It’s okay to be yourself”

I think it’s only human that from time to time we wish we were just a little bit more.

Just a little bit less awkward so other people would like me more.

Just a little bit more outgoing so that maintaining my relationships wouldn’t feel so difficult.

Just a little bit more focused so I could get these assignments done.

Just a little. Please. Please?

These thoughts hit me hardest when asked the most ordinary of questions:

“Hey, are you going to…(insert club night/formal/bar crawl/social event of torturous nature to introverts like me)?”

“Oh! That episode of…(insert highly popular TV show that for some reason everyone but you seems to watch) was great!”

And it makes sense to feel out of place when confronted with a question mark, when you feel like you can no longer contribute anything meaningful to a conversation, when you start to fade into the background rather than be engaged.

It makes sense to feel like you’re not enough and to feel like you need to be more like “everyone else”.

It makes sense because we are social creatures and we bond on points of common interest.

It makes sense, but it sure doesn’t feel right.

And because it doesn’t feel right, you’re left with one of two options:

to ignore it

or to shut it down.

And while I’ve lived most of my life doing the former,

I’ve come to like the latter.

And so instead of feeling like I don’t belong,

I think about and appreciate all the little things that make me me.

Not just a game, but a way of life

People play video games for different reasons, reasons that are often inclusive rather than exclusive.

Some people play video games for the excitement and fun: to be in the shoes of their favourite hero, to support the franchise they love (*cough*pokemon*cough*), to experience the thrill of a first person shooter, or the satisfaction of advancing to the next level.

Some people play games for the people they’re playing with: for the cooperative and competitive spirit, to accomplish major feats or to be the best of the best.

Some people do it to relieve stress because sometimes the real world can be too much and we just need something to make us remember what it feels like to smile.

Some people play games for a living and others just don’t give a damn about games at all.
And that’s okay. Because games don’t have to mean the same thing to everyone and they don’t have to mean anything at all.

But then there are people like me who could never give it up. Because people like me have blurred the lines between video games and reality and as we play, we can no longer say “it’s just a game” as others do to downplay the significance of what we’re doing.

People like me live second lives on the internet: for us, playing a RPG is not just about the role play, but about living an opportunity we’d never be able to experience in our own lives otherwise; for us, the pixels on the screen are just as real as the people around us; and the memories we create with our imagination are just as important in our hearts as our physical experiences – the tangible and intangible lie equal in our minds.

We find solidarity, peace, and a sense of belonging in a community that didn’t even exist a couple of decades ago.
This is real life to us and it offends us when people question the way we live.

Yes, it may not seem productive and yes, we may not be great contributors to the problems of the world. But understand that our definition of world has already shifted.

And while some people would define success as something greater, I’d be happy enough with a Lv100 Jibanyan.

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Tl;dr: I think I’ve gotten to the point where I can’t quit gaming. But don’t send help. I’m happy with this.

Transilience

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cloud cover
sun slate
a thousand words
cannot translate

beauty blooms
at the gentle pace
of the circadian
within us.

Prussian blue
oceans wide
a soft whisper
tickles the breeze

rapid flux
too far to reach
living on the fringes.

soft giggle
rosy cheeks
and
transference
of dreams

never pausing
projectile motion
possibilities
trickling down
her sleeves.

anticipation
in her eyes
and tension
in her wrists

as the sun sets
the moon takes the stage
always changing
never ending
eternal
transilience.

132 – Fight for what you really want.

Busier than ever. Trying to pull myself together. So many things running through my head.  Heavy.  But I will find a way.

My courseload has been rough on me. 3 lab courses in one semester was not  the  best idea. Lots of writing – especially since the Psych course I’m taking requires me to write a paragraph before every class.

Went to Nuit Blanche but didn’t get to see any of the cool things.  Neither did any of my friends that went – they were all wasted. Wish I could get drunk easily… Or at all. Makes it hard to like alcohol since it hasn’t had much effect on me. I suppose that’s a good thing. Drinking in college is overrated anyways, right?

My One Plus 2 arrived…sorta. I hadn’t been able to sign for the delivery guy so I’ll have to go pick it up on Monday. I’m excited to have a new phone after my S3’s been acting so wonky this year.

Saw a friend from high school today during work. Was slightly awkward. He thought I had transferred back for real. But I’ve been back since last year so really, really awkward. Well it’s not like we’ve been close since after 9th grade. So meh. Some friendships just don’t last.

Sometimes I wonder if I just push too many friendships out of my life as part of my introverted nature. People really wear me out. I love spending time with people but it just feels awful once I’m socially drained. I think this tendency to keep to myself runs in the family… Something something nature and nurture. 🙂

I had lunch with the summer lab pals yesterday.  (“lunch” was really a 4pm dinner for me). Talked a little about the elections (a consensus that none of us really want to re-elect Harper) and med/grad school apps.  That really weird but nice friend I’ve mentioned already has a few US interviews lined up. I’m a little envious, but also very happy for him. He really wants this.

Just made me think that if I don’t pull myself together then I won’t be able to make it there myself. If I don’t try harder,  then I don’t really want it (reference to Sky’s motivation video – YouTube it). So I have to give it by all. Live life with no regrets.  That sort of thing.

7am ultimate practice have also been giving me a reality check into how unfit I’ve been in the last few years. Going to work on that too because health is arguably more important than getting into med school. Arguably being the key word there. Heh.

But yeah. I’ve been watching Korean dramas again. In lieu of that, fighting!  ❤

But I am free.

It took me a long time to realize
that wrestling with my demons
only increased their resistance
so with every blow I inflicted
they retaliated with vengeance
a steady spiral into despair.

It took me a long time to realize
that conquering your demons
meant acknowledging their existence
forgiving instead of hating
accepting their place in your past
and moving on.

It took me a long time to realize
that drowning in depression
was allowing it to define who I am
but I am more than the barrage of hollow feelings
I am more than that lifeless shadow.

It took me a long time to realize
but I know it now
and I can feel the promise flowing in the air
and I can sense the magic lying everywhere
and I can finally see
with my eyes set free.

123 – Trying not to compare myself with others.

I am surrounded by brilliant people.

And I suppose, I always have been.

I know it’s stupid to compare myself to other people, but I feel like it’s a natural tendency and it’s hard to stop doing it.

I look at my friends with better GPAs and likeable personalities

and see them struggling to get into medical school

and I can’t help but think

if they’re having trouble getting in, how could I possibility?

On one hand, they’re motivating me to try harder (though I’m unsure if this motivation is actually working).

On the other hand, it’s depressing (perhaps this is countering the motivation?).

It’s hard keep the thoughts out of my head:

I’m not good enough.

They are better than you.

But I know that thinking that way will only move me further from my goal.

So I mustn’t compare myself to anyone but myself.

I must shift the comparisons I’m making from out to within. I know I should be worrying about how I’m going to improve rather than thinking about how much there is improve.

I know I shouldn’t, but I still do.

I don’t do it often, but it sneaks its way into my head from time to time.

I think it’s just something I have to accept.

Maybe I just need to shift from “I’m not as good as them” to “They’re better so I can be better too”.

I think I can do that.

I know I can.