A morbid curiosity

Even though I know we cannot coexist,

I still want to know what happened,

I still wish you were saved.

 

I wonder what kind of things you would have loved,

What passion would you breathe with in this world?

 

And even though I’ll never know you,

You’ll always live on within me.

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But I am free.

It took me a long time to realize
that wrestling with my demons
only increased their resistance
so with every blow I inflicted
they retaliated with vengeance
a steady spiral into despair.

It took me a long time to realize
that conquering your demons
meant acknowledging their existence
forgiving instead of hating
accepting their place in your past
and moving on.

It took me a long time to realize
that drowning in depression
was allowing it to define who I am
but I am more than the barrage of hollow feelings
I am more than that lifeless shadow.

It took me a long time to realize
but I know it now
and I can feel the promise flowing in the air
and I can sense the magic lying everywhere
and I can finally see
with my eyes set free.

Our broken hearts have healed.

we had our hearts broken

too sudden in its wake

and the uprising of emotion

was too much for us to take

 

you decided to release it

in an inferno of anger and frustration

and so you were always on the edge

ready to explode

but I didn’t want anyone to know

just wanted to contain it

hoped the feeling would go away

so I crumpled it all inside my heart

and kept it all at bay

 

but you can only run so far

before you have to face the truth

and on the nights when I just couldn’t take it

I would cry myself to sleep

release my inhibitions

give into a woeful weep

 

sometimes I wonder

if the reason why you fear love

is because you fear what you could become

because you fear what makes us numb

 

but you always looked out for me

in your own roundabout way

as if you could fix the damage done

while you were also hurting

as if you could fill the hole

while it weighed upon your soul

 

we’re older now

and the wound no longer stings

but it’s shaped a little of who we are

and in our memories, has left a scar

we press on forward

because that’s all we know to do

we still have some problems

but I think we’ll make it through.

———————————

related to this.

99 – I’m very lucky.

I called my mom today to tell her my marks (they’re okay, could be better, probably not going to get into med school with grades like these). She doesn’t really comment on them because she’s not the type of parent to get super strict about grades. She’ll mention it when I don’t do well, but in a “I want my kid to do well in school” kind of way, not a “if my kid doesn’t do well, they’ll be punished” kind of way. She used to give me money in high school for getting 7/8 A’s (7 whenever I had P.E.). She gave my brother money whenever he made honour roll or got an A in university. We were bribed to get good grades in a way. But I’m not the type of person to work for grades because of money. I’m not a money person.

She doesn’t bribe me anymore, mostly because I left home (I’m sure if I was at UBC, she’d offer me the same deal she gave my brother which was $50 for every A). I’m a much heavier financial burden now that I’m in Toronto. I think the financially smart decision would’ve been to transfer back to UBC even if that meant taking an extra year to graduate. But if I’m going to be do graduate studies/med school (if I get in), I’d rather not waste an extra year of my life doing undergraduate studies. If it means student loans, then so be it.

I’m very lucky though.

Lucky that my brother is no longer financially dependent on my mom so that I can have the luxury of studying in another city.

Lucky that my mom worked so hard to raise me.

I was and probably still am very, very spoiled. I always got a new computer or laptop when something happened to my old ones (I think I got double the number of upgrades my brother received). I got to do whatever extracurricular activities I wanted to (although I regret piano sometimes for the way it ruined my relationship with my mom many times).

I am lucky that my mom endured so many long hours of work. That she made the effort to drive me to my various lessons despite being busy. That she bought me so many things despite not really having the money.

She was and is still very smart.

She wasn’t as lucky as I am.

She was a straight A student that didn’t have the money to go to college. She chose instead to work and take care of her family. She started cooking from a very young age, taking over parental responsibilities for her siblings. And I really respect and admire her for that.

I am very lucky.

When I was younger, I would often become envious of others when I heard about all the places they’ve visited and all the things that they’ve seen. Because we never had the money to go on trips like that. Didn’t really even have the money to travel locally (I’ve never even been to Banff or Calgary or even Edmonton, all of which I’ve always wanted to go). I don’t resent that fact any longer. Now that I’ve grown up to understand how much my mother sacrificed to raise me. Someday, I want to earn enough money to go travelling with her. To let her know how much I appreciate her.

I am reflecting on all this right now, because I’m worried about her.

There hasn’t been very much work for her lately.

Which means I am even more of a financial burden than I normally am.

I know we’ll be okay.

My dad is working these days (although I don’t like him, at least he’s providing for our family).

And my brother is doing his thing.

So we’ll probably be okay.

But I just really want to go home and stop wasting all of this money.

That means I have to study really hard and do really well.

I also want to experience as much as possible – to make this all worthwhile.

That’s a delicate balance.

I’ll do my best.

I love you, Mom.

Don’t you remember?

Hey, do you remember

the long line of people

waiting to buy their tickets

for a movie just released?

 

I still remember

the escalator ride up

the wait for our tickets to be checked

buying popcorn at the recession stand

walking into the theatre

ticket slip in my pocket

finally finding seats

the excitement when the ads finished playing

for it was

Spiderman 3

 

I remember

pulling my knees up on the seat

holding your hand in moments of suspense

feeling disappointed when it was over

because it meant we would have to leave

 

I remember

walking out of the theatre

before the credits ended

running down the stairs

playing a few games at the arcade

conveniently underneath

 

I remember

going home to fall asleep content

because movies were a rare treat

 

I remember it well

all these details in my mind

 

So why do you not remember?

I refuse to believe it wasn’t real

I refuse you to believe you weren’t with us

that it wasn’t your hand

I grasped for safety

 

I want someone to tell me you were wrong

and that you just can’t remember

 

Because this was us

happy

together

as a family

 

I won’t have this memory

any other way

I need to believe in this feeling

need to believe that

Mommy

you were there.

 

—————————–

Just a memory I can’t shake off. My mom told me she had never watched a movie in the theatres with my brother and I until this summer (she watched Harry Potter with just me). There’s this feeling in my heart that insists she was there. Spiderman movies were a family thing. Mom, bro, and me. 

83

And if you hurt me
That’s okay baby, only words bleed
Inside these pages you just hold me
And I won’t ever let you go

-“Photograph”, Ed Sheeran

Sometimes love can hurt you. Sometimes it makes you miserable, makes you want to bury yourself in some forgotten corner and hope that the pain will forget that you exist. But love is beautiful. It is what makes us feel alive when we’ve lost all other meaning in vast, vast world. The world is big and it’s very easy to get lost in it. But love finds you a home even when you feel like you don’ t have one. So hold onto love. Hold onto the happiness you feel when your arms are wrapped around another’s, when you put a smile on someone important to you,and when you hear the laugh that you love to hear the most.

I’m a romantic. I love the idea of love and I won’t try to deny that. So I will always love. I like to reminisce with trinkets, little memories from another time; with photographs, euphoric moments captured in the blink  of an eye; with words, phrases and poems and stories with a different view; with music, a single melody bringing back a glorious day in the past.

I love the present also. Take everyday for it’s worth. I know I won’t be around forever, so I might as well enjoy every feeling, good or bad, every moment, happy or sad, and every breath that makes me glad.

—-

I am retaking my driver’s test tomorrow. I shall walk in with the confidence that I will pass. So that if I don’t, I can say I gave it my all.

I’ve been shopping a lot (and buying a lot) lately. I think it’s time to step back and appreciate what I already have. I don’t need all these new clothes…or maybe I do…Uck. I’ll just appreciate it all.

Change is good. Change is fun. And I’m looking forward to a lot of that this year.

Little Me

if I could hold the Little Me

whose shoulders sagged

with harsh adult realities

whose tears stopped running

because she was too exhausted

to sob anymore

and whose eyes stared defeated at the ceiling

arms and legs curled up beneath

a tear-soaked blanket

trying to make herself smaller

and disappear from the radar

of the stinging sadness

that was her world

 

if I could hold that Little Me

I would show her colours

vibrant velvets

exquisite embers

alluring aquas

and shivering shades

of purples and blues

and allow her to discover beauty

in the most unexpected

of places.

 

if I could hold that Little Me

I’d let her sleep on my lap

as I hum a small tune

and describe all the wonders

of slowly watching the sun set behind the mountains

and wishing upon the stars that come hence.

 

if I could hold that Little Me

I’d kiss her forehead

and pinch her cheeks

and tell her someday

happiness

will become greater

than sadness.

 

oh Little Me, why couldn’t you notice before

all the little wonders that awaited at your door

Little Me, Little Me,

walk into the world happily

you’re not alone, but it’s okay to be on your own

sometimes the best things

come from the unknown.