Insight 

We fall apart

In our dreams

Another step

Or so it seems

I can’t define

These feelings of mine

A void beneath

No bridge to cross

All that remains

Is but a loss.

 

Sunlight bursting

Through the clouds

I question why

We’re not allowed

These limits lie there

Stretched so thin

Find the power

That comes within

Tomorrow is a promise

I won’t forget

Beyond the shadows

No regrets.

our roaring hearts

beneath these cool gray skies

we lie bewildered

searching for a catalyst

to transform our lives

bring us closer to our dreams

to weather away our faults

and forge the way into our future.

 

we fall in line

to the rhythm of our resolve

beating gently beneath the earth

ever so constant

and determined

it guides us ever forward.

 

we march towards the horizon of promises

that we swore we would never let go of

even if the world goes dark

we will not forget

the path that got us here

with our ambitions etched into the walls

with our hearts roaring above the noise

we will emerge

triumphant.

148 – dreams shatter, but we carry on.

I fell into a deep slump last semester. Burned out from classes and research, all I could do was try my best not to let depression get the best of me. In November, it took all I had not to burst into tears every time I stepped into the lab. I dropped one of my courses and felt really out of my element even in classes I thought I would be comfortable in. My ability to write in a fourth year level course was questioned and even now I’m not sure I have the confidence to say I’m a good writer anymore. Without a doubt, this has been the worst year of my undergrad, exceeding the horribleness that was my turbulent first year in which I spent every month at the doctor’s with another physical illness.

Still, I’m halfway there. I’m sure I’ll make it through somehow. I haven’t gotten all of the details worked out quite just yet, but I’ll get there. One way or another.

My absolute lowest moment came from a rejection email from UBC. With that, I knew I wasn’t going to be able to fulfill my goal of studying back home. With that, I began to doubt whether or not I was even good enough to have my dream become reality. I thought then that maybe I wasn’t smart enough and that I should be considering an alternative career. But those negative thoughts blew away when I talked to my mom over the telephone. She assured me that even if I got rejected from every school that she would support me trying again or taking the time to find a new dream. I’m really lucky to have her support. She also told me that she’d come live with me for a year if I got into med school somewhere else – though I’m not sure I’ll take her up on that offer since I don’t know how well my brother can handle living alone (despite being five years older than me…). Regardless, failure became an option for me and not the end. Just another possibility that I needn’t be afraid of.

Things have gotten a little easier this semester, but not by very much. I’m still struggling in the lab, but have gotten more or less numb to disappointment. I still hate the thought of letting down everyone the lab, but my inability was shattering every inch of self esteem I had left. I think it’s best not to think about what others think of me. Especially if they’re not good things.

I think my perspective has shifted a little – especially after hearing that one of my old high school teachers has struggling with untreatable cancer – something he dedicated a lot of his time and effort into raising awareness and money for. I’ve always had the mentality that the present is more important than the future – to enjoy the small, happy moments as they come, but I’ve also placed a lot of my hopes on the future, on the life that I spend day-to-day fantasizing about living. I think hearing the news really shifted the timeframe of my mind a little bit more to what’s happening right now. Along the same train of thought, I decided not to apply for graduate school in Chemistry. It wouldn’t be something I’d enjoy and life’s too short to be spending everyday of a year or two on something that I wasn’t thrilled about. There are other options out there that I think I would enjoy far more even if taking a “gap year” is sometimes considered a waste of time (I disagree with that sentiment).

I got an interview invitation from McMaster so that’s one blessing that’s been thrown my way in this really tough year. I’m going to do everything I can to make sure I’m prepared for that – it’s given me both hope and confidence that my dream doesn’t have to stay a dream. The interview, however, is a few days after the poster session for my thesis project – so I’ve only got so much spare time. Nevertheless, I want to make it through these next few arduous months with no regrets. If that means sleepless nights and caffeine-powered study sessions, then so be it. I’m ready for you, 2017.

For the stars are yours to wish upon.

For the nights you don’t quite feel like yourself – for times you feel worthless and out of place in this great, vast world.


Hey there, love.

It’s okay. You don’t have to explain yourself. I know it’s been hard and things haven’t exactly been going your way. But it’s going to be okay. I promise. Even if everything feels like it’s falling apart, know that this is not the end, only a beginning.

This isn’t the first time you have felt this way. Nor will it likely be your last. Please don’t give up the part of you that shines so brightly in your best moments just because it’s weighing down on you right now. Now is not forever and you are so much more than the you at your very worst.

You are so much more than you’ll ever appreciate. You’re beautiful – fantastic in all your little quirks. And though you are far from perfect, you are always, always good enough. Though we are constantly changing, always striving to be better, it is not wrong to love the you that is here right now. Because this you is not a lesser version, but an important piece of your kaleidoscopic soul – colourful and unique, perfectly filling in the empty spaces of the masterpiece that you are. And oh my, you are a masterpiece.

Don’t lose hope now. Your dreams are still within your reach and I believe that you will get there. That day seems so far away which makes it so easy to lose sight of where it might be, but if you just keep your mind on it, it’s closer than it seems.

Do not be afraid to dream for the stars are yours to wish upon. And on nights like tonight, when you feel you’re losing sight, let the skies remind you of all the possibilities.

You deserve to be happy. Don’t ever think otherwise. You’re hurting now, but remember there have been better times in your past just as there will be better times in your future. When this blows over, we’ll pick up the pieces and slowly glue them back together again. Perhaps we’ll make something greater.

I love you.

I love you so, so much.

We will get through this.

Always and Forever

Because you were there for me, I was able to shine.

 

through the forest

through the rain

in the dark

in times of pain

a gift of courage on my palm

you held my hand and kept me calm

and so I’m grateful for those days

for all the debts

I could not repay.

 

voice of silk

and soothing tune

eyes as bright

as the sun and moon

your words ring true

in the quiet night

and at last

the darkness leaves our sight

so we continue on

our hopes held high

for the greatest dreams

will never die.

 

you are

the one

I strive to be

 

to you

I owe

the best of me

 

to you

who was always there for me

 

thank you

and I love you.

Just be happy.

What do you want to be?

Happy, I reply

because the future is uncertain

while the present is where we live

and all that ever matters

is how we move from moment to moment

how we shoot for the stars

without the fear of falling

how we turn our mistakes around

so they that they make us a better person

how we walk upon this ground

with fascination and expression

and how we never stop believing

in the people around us.

happiness is contagious

so let’s spread it a little harder.

The Power of Starlight

found myself on tumblr again, for inspiration. source is linked.

When I was younger, sometimes my emotions would get the best of me. Depressing thoughts would rattle my mind until I broke down and lost track of who I was and who I thought I could be.

But when the stars came out and joined the moon in the beautiful night sky, I would find peace and hope, find truth in the infinities, and feel better.

The stars made me feel a little less alone.

They brought with them the promise that someday my wishes might actually come true.

And that was enough.

Looking up at the night sky, I would feel a tremendous surge of serenity. A calmness engulfing every inch of my body. Soothing my mind enough so that I could fall asleep without worry.

Perhaps just the privilege of being able stargaze made me feel a little less ordinary. Because how could I be ordinary when subjected to such an extraordinary sight?

It was if I could see a magic in the stars, something brilliant and indescribable. And that magic made me matter.

Underneath the multitude of constellations, I felt like my life meant something.

And this was long before I came to accept that my life does matter – to me and to the people I love.

Even now, I feel oddly drawn towards the night sky.

In a way, it saved me from myself. From my excessive doubts and overwhelming depression.

A celestial connection.

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Related to this matter, this is one of my favourite songs: