For all those who wander are not lost.
For a long time
to feel freedom
from beyond this fathomless trench
I spent years digging myself into.
But even as I walk down this golden path
I feel the tension beneath my feet
with every step
the shadows loom closer
taking delight in the consumption
of light hearts and gaiety.
it’s almost as if
someone has painted an ebony black
over the rainbow I had prized
as my most guarded dream
there is no such thing
Still I must not crumble
underneath this continuous weathering
the promise of better days
is not that far away
from beyond this blasted hurricane
I believe that clearer skies will light the way
towards a life that’s truly worth living.
beneath these cool gray skies
we lie bewildered
searching for a catalyst
to transform our lives
bring us closer to our dreams
to weather away our faults
and forge the way into our future.
we fall in line
to the rhythm of our resolve
beating gently beneath the earth
ever so constant
it guides us ever forward.
we march towards the horizon of promises
that we swore we would never let go of
even if the world goes dark
we will not forget
the path that got us here
with our ambitions etched into the walls
with our hearts roaring above the noise
we will emerge
I fell into a deep slump last semester. Burned out from classes and research, all I could do was try my best not to let depression get the best of me. In November, it took all I had not to burst into tears every time I stepped into the lab. I dropped one of my courses and felt really out of my element even in classes I thought I would be comfortable in. My ability to write in a fourth year level course was questioned and even now I’m not sure I have the confidence to say I’m a good writer anymore. Without a doubt, this has been the worst year of my undergrad, exceeding the horribleness that was my turbulent first year in which I spent every month at the doctor’s with another physical illness.
Still, I’m halfway there. I’m sure I’ll make it through somehow. I haven’t gotten all of the details worked out quite just yet, but I’ll get there. One way or another.
My absolute lowest moment came from a rejection email from UBC. With that, I knew I wasn’t going to be able to fulfill my goal of studying back home. With that, I began to doubt whether or not I was even good enough to have my dream become reality. I thought then that maybe I wasn’t smart enough and that I should be considering an alternative career. But those negative thoughts blew away when I talked to my mom over the telephone. She assured me that even if I got rejected from every school that she would support me trying again or taking the time to find a new dream. I’m really lucky to have her support. She also told me that she’d come live with me for a year if I got into med school somewhere else – though I’m not sure I’ll take her up on that offer since I don’t know how well my brother can handle living alone (despite being five years older than me…). Regardless, failure became an option for me and not the end. Just another possibility that I needn’t be afraid of.
Things have gotten a little easier this semester, but not by very much. I’m still struggling in the lab, but have gotten more or less numb to disappointment. I still hate the thought of letting down everyone the lab, but my inability was shattering every inch of self esteem I had left. I think it’s best not to think about what others think of me. Especially if they’re not good things.
I think my perspective has shifted a little – especially after hearing that one of my old high school teachers has struggling with untreatable cancer – something he dedicated a lot of his time and effort into raising awareness and money for. I’ve always had the mentality that the present is more important than the future – to enjoy the small, happy moments as they come, but I’ve also placed a lot of my hopes on the future, on the life that I spend day-to-day fantasizing about living. I think hearing the news really shifted the timeframe of my mind a little bit more to what’s happening right now. Along the same train of thought, I decided not to apply for graduate school in Chemistry. It wouldn’t be something I’d enjoy and life’s too short to be spending everyday of a year or two on something that I wasn’t thrilled about. There are other options out there that I think I would enjoy far more even if taking a “gap year” is sometimes considered a waste of time (I disagree with that sentiment).
I got an interview invitation from McMaster so that’s one blessing that’s been thrown my way in this really tough year. I’m going to do everything I can to make sure I’m prepared for that – it’s given me both hope and confidence that my dream doesn’t have to stay a dream. The interview, however, is a few days after the poster session for my thesis project – so I’ve only got so much spare time. Nevertheless, I want to make it through these next few arduous months with no regrets. If that means sleepless nights and caffeine-powered study sessions, then so be it. I’m ready for you, 2017.
For the nights you don’t quite feel like yourself – for times you feel worthless and out of place in this great, vast world.
Hey there, love.
It’s okay. You don’t have to explain yourself. I know it’s been hard and things haven’t exactly been going your way. But it’s going to be okay. I promise. Even if everything feels like it’s falling apart, know that this is not the end, only a beginning.
This isn’t the first time you have felt this way. Nor will it likely be your last. Please don’t give up the part of you that shines so brightly in your best moments just because it’s weighing down on you right now. Now is not forever and you are so much more than the you at your very worst.
You are so much more than you’ll ever appreciate. You’re beautiful – fantastic in all your little quirks. And though you are far from perfect, you are always, always good enough. Though we are constantly changing, always striving to be better, it is not wrong to love the you that is here right now. Because this you is not a lesser version, but an important piece of your kaleidoscopic soul – colourful and unique, perfectly filling in the empty spaces of the masterpiece that you are. And oh my, you are a masterpiece.
Don’t lose hope now. Your dreams are still within your reach and I believe that you will get there. That day seems so far away which makes it so easy to lose sight of where it might be, but if you just keep your mind on it, it’s closer than it seems.
Do not be afraid to dream for the stars are yours to wish upon. And on nights like tonight, when you feel you’re losing sight, let the skies remind you of all the possibilities.
You deserve to be happy. Don’t ever think otherwise. You’re hurting now, but remember there have been better times in your past just as there will be better times in your future. When this blows over, we’ll pick up the pieces and slowly glue them back together again. Perhaps we’ll make something greater.
I love you.
I love you so, so much.
We will get through this.
Because you were there for me, I was able to shine.
through the forest
through the rain
in the dark
in times of pain
a gift of courage on my palm
you held my hand and kept me calm
and so I’m grateful for those days
for all the debts
I could not repay.
voice of silk
and soothing tune
eyes as bright
as the sun and moon
your words ring true
in the quiet night
and at last
the darkness leaves our sight
so we continue on
our hopes held high
for the greatest dreams
will never die.
I strive to be
the best of me
who was always there for me
and I love you.
What do you want to be?
Happy, I reply
because the future is uncertain
while the present is where we live
and all that ever matters
is how we move from moment to moment
how we shoot for the stars
without the fear of falling
how we turn our mistakes around
so they that they make us a better person
how we walk upon this ground
with fascination and expression
and how we never stop believing
in the people around us.
happiness is contagious
so let’s spread it a little harder.