Always and Forever

Because you were there for me, I was able to shine.

 

through the forest

through the rain

in the dark

in times of pain

a gift of courage on my palm

you held my hand and kept me calm

and so I’m grateful for those days

for all the debts

I could not repay.

 

voice of silk

and soothing tune

eyes as bright

as the sun and moon

your words ring true

in the quiet night

and at last

the darkness leaves our sight

so we continue on

our hopes held high

for the greatest dreams

will never die.

 

you are

the one

I strive to be

 

to you

I owe

the best of me

 

to you

who was always there for me

 

thank you

and I love you.

122 – just a little thank you.

I grew up with more or less the same group of friends. We’ve known each other since preschool/kindergarten/grade 1 and we lived through our elementary and high school years together. Birthday parties. Sports. Hanging out. Video games. Movies. We were close for a while, but gradually grew apart – as friends often do. But we’re still good friends that have loads of history (and too many stories that are too often brought up thought they act as nothing but sources of embarrassment, but friends will be friends).

I just have so much appreciation for the one friend in that circle that never forgets about me even though I’m off in this far away land and everyone else is back home.

Even though there’s no way I can attend an event back home, you invite me anyway.

Even though I can’t hang out with everyone, you bring me into a conversation discussing where and when we should hang out.

You are the only one I regularly keep in touch with (partly my fault on that regard).

And even though these are little things, they mean a ton.

I would say these words to your face (metaphorically speaking since you’re so far away), but you’ll probably be weirded out ’cause that’s how our friendship is.

We don’t say the words out loud.

But we just kinda know.

So thanks, Ceci (even though you’ll never read this).

I love you a lot, girl. ❤

100 – Life is beautiful.

I’ve finally hit 100.

It’s taken me a long time to get here.

For some people, 100 might not be a huge number of entries. For me, it’s a milestone to reflect on. I am not the same person I was when I wrote entry number 1.

I think the biggest change from then to now is how I handle my depression. I no longer self-pity, no longer wish I were someone else. I still have nightmares. I still cry too much. But it’s progress. It’s something. There is more hope than me than despair and I think that’s change enough. For me, blogging and video games are enough. For others, I know the fight isn’t always as easy. I’m rooting for all of you out there. Whether you’re balancing medication and therapy or if you’re simply trying to stand up in world that can be so very harsh, I’m rooting for you.

I’m going to continue to grow. I want to be independent. It’s been a real struggle considering how spoiled I grew up to be. But I’ll get there. Little steps.

Thank you to those who have been giving me encouragement over the past couple of years. Bobbie, Grandfathersky, Kathryn, Jade, Andy, Vela June, Amber, FiaMusey, Moony, Nicodemas, Wendell, Annika, Mercedes, Kweschn and anyone else that I may have missed. Every word of support means a lot more to me than you could imagine. So thank you.

Thank you also to those that I started out blogging with and show up from time to time to offer me support: Rachel, Shania, Kevin, and JV. I miss you guys as much I miss home in Vancouver. I can’t wait for the day I get to come back.

——

In life, you are going to experience injustice, frustration, and moments when you feel like the whole world is against you. But don’t give up. I’ve learned the worst thing you can do when you’re feeling down and hopeless is to stop fighting back. For when you stop fighting back, even the weakest demons can engulf you.

So I’ll never give up.

And never lose hope.

‘Cause we all feel lost sometimes. Even the strongest of us. And it’s okay to be lost for how else would you find yourself otherwise? It takes a little bit of pain (or sometimes a lot) to really appreciate the happiness in front of us.

Right now, I’m in a comfortable place. I can love myself and love the people around me. I feel like happiness is within my reach. Even in those moments when depression slips back into my day to day life, I can feel happiness around the corner; and I know, I just know that no matter where life takes me, I’m going to be okay.

Life is beautiful.

29 – Happy Easter!

A very happy Easter to every single one of you! (: Especially to my wordpress friends who have offered me support here time and time again, I wish you the brightest and cheeriest Easter holidays possible. May it be filled with chocolate bunnies, family, and friends.

I drew you all a bunny! (:

The Sunshine Blogger Award

Rules for this award:

1. Thank the award giver.

2. Share some things about yourself.

3. Pass the award on to 10-12 other bloggers.

—-

First of all, thank you to bluefiadiaries, grandfathersky, and bipolarmuse for this wonderful award.

I’ve only recently fallen in love with Fia’s lovely blog and her poetry is completely relatable and gives you a slice of life that is ever so real. She’s also a really sweet person to know.

Grandfathersky has been so supportive of me throughout my entire blogging experience and I simply can’t thank him enough. He is an inspiration to me and most like many others.

Bipolarmuse is a wonderful lady who has been ever so consistent with her support. She posts the most inspiration quotes on her blog as well as poetry with such emotion that will make you surely sentimental yourself.

Thank you so much! Oh how I simply feed on your support like a hungry mouse fallen into a mouse trap. Except it is a very kindly trap you have set up.

—–

Favorite Colour: Blue, well of course.
Favorite Animal: Dolphin.
Favorite Number: 14.
Favorite Non-Alcoholic Drink: Milk tea.
Facebook or Twitter: Facebook. I don’t tweet often.
My Passion: Poetry.
Favorite pattern: Hm…Stars on a black background. The night sky.
Favorite day of the week: Sunday. Rest day pour moi.
Favorite Flower: Sunflower. Oh how I love the sun.

—-

10 nominations! Oh dear, this will be challenging.

1. DarkJade

2. Echolalias

3. Kweschn!

4. Dawn (Pivoine68)

5. Gabrielsfury

6. Wise Counsel

7. Go Jenzy!

8. Chasingjngdreams

9. FlameSpores

10. Foxphire

Couldn’t nominate everyone I wanted to, but thank you so much to everyone for being my inspiration!

ABC Blogger Award

Rules to this award:

1. There is no limit to how many fellow bloggers you pass this on to.

2. Share some things about you, but alphabetically, just a word or two starting with each letter of the alphabet.

—–

Well, first of all thank you so much to lostupabove and bipolarmuse for this awesome award. I assure you that if you like my blog even remotely, you’ll love theirs. Lostupabove posts up the most amazing poetry and bipolarmuse has such touching and emotional posts. They’re so wonderful and I can’t thank them enough.

—-

Here goes nothing…

A – Anime. I’m an otaku and proud of it.

B – Bold. I like to say what I want.

C – Clever. Maybe.

D – Distanced.

E – Easy to talk to. Or at least I try to be.

F – Friendly.

G – Greedy. I think I want far too much. But I suppose that’s human nature.

H – Home…is where I feel everything makes sense.

I – Inspired by all the wonderful bloggers on WordPress. You’re all amazing!

J – Joker. Sometimes. I like to laugh.

K – Kind, I suppose.

L – LIGHTS. I can’t begin to explain how much love her music and how much it has influenced my life.

M – Music. It fuels my dreams.

N – Nocturnal. I don’t like to work in the day time.

O – Owl City. His music soothes my soul.

P – Pessimistic. Counter-balanced by increasing optimism. It’s a constant struggle to stay on the bright side.

Q – Questions. I ask a milion everyday.

R – Restless. It’s for me to concentrate on any one thing.

S – Stronghold. Possibly one of my favourite words – also the name of this blog.

T – Tired. Too often.

U – Unique? I think.

V – Vanessa. My full name. It means “butterfly” in Greek.

W – Wary. I don’t like to get too close to people, but I do anyhow.

X – Xyllophone. An elementary school kid answer….but you know what? There’s nothing I value more than my childhood, my innocence…my past.

Y – Young. Too young to know enough about this world.

Z – Zealous.

—-

My nominations…Wow this is hard. I know it gives me unlimited nominations, but I feel like it’s more special to nominate those who actually care.

1.  Worshipful Heart

2. Kweschn!

3. Grandfathersky

4. The Written Word

5. Go Jenzy!

6. sorealtonight

7. kathryningrid

8. Daniel Desforges

9. Wise Counsel

10. Terminally Inconsistent

Am going to limit myself to 10 for this one. Thank you so much for all your support and congratulations!

12 – (Merry) Christmas

Before I get into another reality blog, I’d like to thank everyone who has followed me. I literally get ecstatic every time I get a new comment from you guys. I love the support and I wish I could support you all the way you have for me.

50 followers! I think I promised to start regularly posting art. I think I’ll start posting music soon as part of the art section. I’ve been half-writing a song for the piano (which will probably suck) and I’d love to get that recorded and have the sheet music posted. I love poetry, writing, words…but sometimes music is a far stronger medium than any number of words. There’s something about sounds that I love so much. Or the way words roll off your tongue – it all has to do with sounds.

The wonders of music…

(and I should probably nominate people for the two blog awards I received. Thank you sorealtonight and EpiphanyArt by the way.)

———–

Merry Christmas to everyone!

It’s Christmas eve and I’m not sure why I’m here blogging instead of out there having fun. This year hasn’t been the best year of my life, but a lot has happened and I should take some time to appreciate the experiences – good and bad. I might just put that off till later at the very end of this year as Christmas is more a time of celebration than it is of reflection.

There’s something about Christmas that ties everyone back to their past. I truly believe that. Whether it’s because you’re thinking about the Christmas tree you used to put up but don’t anymore or whether you’re thinking about continuing Christmas traditions.

As for myself…I feel like my Christmas gets worse year after year. I’ll remain optimistic though since I do so love holidays.

I no longer put up the tree that I loved to spend hours decorating. Most probably since I always manage to leave the tree up until March at which point is incredibly awkward to have in your living room.

No one else in my family really gets in the holiday spirit. They treat it as just another holiday. In this way, I’ve never really gotten much of a taste for tradition. We occasionally go and visit relatives or have a great big dinner…but these occasions become rarer by the moment.

Let’s just say I have complicated family relations.

Even so, when I see all the wonderful lights that prominent all over the city, I can’t help but feel a little cheerful. Now if only it was snowing…I can’t believe it didn’t considering that this year was so cold due to La Niña. It rained today. Soured my mood. Sort of.

I feel like I should philosophize about Christmas since this is a reality blog, but I won’t.

Christmas is one of those things you should just let be.

A happy occasion. A not so happy occasion. Christmas spirit. Not-so-Christmas spirit.

Getting together with friends. Enjoying it alone.

If things are rough this year, Christmas leaves you with the feeling that things will get better.

I guess that’s the thing I love about Christmas the most.  No matter how good or how bad your winter holiday is, Christmas will leave it feeling better. Let in some of that Christmas air, clasp your hands together, and look towards the stars (or lack of stars) that litter the night sky.

Things will get better.

 

 

—tumblr: Merry Christmas and don’t stop dreaming. ♥