walls of gray

broken down by my inadequacy

I don’t know how to face it anymore

they say nothing

but I feel it by exclusion

I no longer pretend to feel welcome

beyond those doors

though I struggle to accept

this hollow state of mind.

 

I keep on pushing through

just a few more months

one week at a time

but it’s really all too much

even my best efforts

to numb these currents down

are fruitless

I lie shattered

broken and weathered

unable to pick myself up

unable to hold on

to that sliver of hope

and so I find myself engulfed

entranced in inhibition

privy to these crushing thoughts.

 

I cannot see the horizon

beyond these walls of gray.

broken pieces on the ground

it’s been a long, long time

but I feel your return

a shadow rising from my past

a dreadful defiler

 

you’ve poisoned my heart

into feeling worthless and empty

but I know that is wrong

I know that every life is priceless

and that this feeling too will pass

 

but the numbness feels inescapable

and I’m anxious every moment

triggered by my own inability

I’m lost and left behind

 

every attempt to break free

from this isle of desolation

seems futile from the start

and thoughts that never got to me

are echoing in my ears

 

my confidence has shattered

broken pieces on the ground

and I fear for the worst

I fear that they’ll never again be found

 

I feel stupid

weak

incapable of doing well

in the things I’ve always loved

and slowly

I’m suffocating

in thinking that

I’m just not good enough

 

I’m trying my best

to build myself back up

but damn is it hard

to look at the shining face of happiness

when it seems like something I don’t deserve

 

it’s going to be okay

like the hundreds of times before

it’s going to be okay

I’ll make it through this once more.

142 – :(

Feeling really down right now. Seems like drowning in a state of depression is inevitable despite my desperate attempts at plugging the holes on this sinking ship.

I just feel really stupid. So damn irresponsible. And not good enough.

Turns out that the 4th year research course application deadline was three weeks ago. It’s something that I really wanted to do and was looking forward to doing. Didn’t hear about the deadline from emails or from classes, but that’s no excuse for being uninformed (I could’ve checked the website more regularly). Didn’t even know I had missed it until my friends were talking about it today.

Took me a good minute to process the fact that I had missed it. Shocked, really.

Then I did the only thing I could do – run to the undergraduate advisor and ask if there was any chance I could hand in a late application. Although he initially was going to say no, I think he felt bad for me and let me hand one in anyway.

The application was a single page and took literally a minute to fill out.

But I just didn’t know. And I hate myself for that.

I probably would’ve had a pretty decent chance at getting accepted into the course if I handed the application in on time. But now, I’m much more likely to be rejected if considered at all (Why would you want a student working in your lab that can’t even follow deadlines?)

I guess the odds are now kinda like my chances at getting into med school. Small, but possible.

There are probably other opportunities I could look for in the new school year.

But this was the easiest, most structured, and reliable option.

And I just fucked it up.

It just feels awful. And although I know I don’t have the time to be wallowing in my stupidity, I can’t stop myself.

I just can’t help feeling this way.

I suppose if there’s one good thing about this incident, it’s that it’s given me a taste of what missing a grad/med school application deadline would be like – something I definitely want to avoid in the coming months/year. There’s a 0% chance you’ll get in if you don’t even apply.

Sigh.

I signed up to retake my MCAT in light of these events – turns out registration opened Feb.10 (strangely early this year). I need to do well.

Going to try to put this unfortunate lapse of awareness behind me as I have two impending midterms this coming week.

But I don’t know.

All I really feel like doing right now is curling up in bed and crying.

I know it’s not the worst thing in the world that could happen and in hindsight it’ll probably be “no big deal”, but right now, I can feel its weight crashing down on me.

And it hurts.

And it’s triggering emotions that I haven’t felt in a long, long time.

And I really don’t want to go there.

135 – Pressing “Restart”

Been overwhelmed over the course of the past two weeks. Can’t think of a better word to describe how much I couldn’t really handle the things that were happening around me.

Got sick last Monday. Likely a viral infection. It got worse as the week went by and I actually don’t know how I survived. Did two midterms I didn’t really study for. BS’ed a lab report together last minute and then completely butchered the pre-lab that needed to be done before the lab. School was a nightmare and it’s safe to say that I probably didn’t do well on anything that week.

Recovering slowly now. Can feel some of the heaviness lifting off my shoulders – especially as the long weekend approaches (thank goodness for reading break).

Also found out that I got a little mini scholarship from my college (U of T is divided into colleges) for having a decent GPA. $500 isn’t much in the face of a $7.5k tuition, but it’s something. This made me really happy for all of lone second before my brother killed it with some bad news.

My uncle had passed away from cancer.

I’m actually still not sure which uncle.

But I would rather live with the uncertainty right now than have to face a reality that could turn out to be much worse.

All the information I have is from a Skype message with my brother – the vaguest person alive (exaggeration, but not far from the truth).

“Uncle” could be anyone.

In Chinese culture, “uncle” is a very vague designation.

Anyone could be your “uncle” provided they were close or close to your family.

But “uncle” could also mean your real uncle.

As in my father’s brother.

As in his twin brother.

And I can’t imagine how that would feel. Losing someone with the same face as you, someone you grew up sharing everything with.

For the first time in a long time, I feel sad and sorry for my dad. He may not be the greatest person in the world, but no one deserves to lose someone they love.

But all of this is speculation.

It all comes down to the fact that I don’t know shit.

And probably never will know anything concrete about family affairs (other than my aunt and grandmothers whom I have at least met and love).

In Vancouver, there was already a barrier of communication. Now I’m in Toronto, there might as well be a Great Wall between us.

And just thinking about this pushed me into a state of depression.

Spent Halloween night just crying (and subsequently had to lie every time someone asked me what I did for Halloween). I don’t think I’ve ever felt so alone in my life. At least back home I always knew what my mom and brother were up to. Now I don’t even have that (except for the ~biweekly calls I make back home).

All this isolation was devastating to me.

Made me want to give up and just go home.

But I can’t.

I’ve come so far and to throw it away would just break me even harder.

And so, just like every time you reach a GAME OVER in a challenging video game, I have to press RESTART.

Because it’s not over till it’s over.

Every time I hit a slump,

I just got to reset my mindset and carry on.

Remember the good moments and let go of the bad.

This might be a bad analogy, but I’m going to put it in here anyway to cheer myself up a bit – I always love applying the things I learn in class to my own life:

Just like a treadmilling actin filament in which the minus end is breaking and the plus end is building it back up, as part of me is breaking, another part has got to be strengthening up. And just like in the cell, this breaking and building will propel me forward.

——

P.S. Rest in piece, dear uncle. No matter if I knew you or not, I’ll pray you have a good afterlife. We will miss you.

134 – out of focus.

I feel stuck.

Trapped in a box as the whole world around me continues to rush by.

It’s scary.

As if my body is not my own and as if someone else has taken over my mind. What I want and need to do isn’t being done. Every time I try to focus, there’s this annoying throb in my head that leaves me feeling awful and sick.
Not exactly a migraine. But nothing good either.

My life just feels a little out of focus.

Somehow I’ve got to find a way out of this box.

Stifled

an inescapable numbness

building upon my heart

devouring me from the inside

and tearing me apart

feeling choked

a little short of breath

and instead of light and laughter

all I feel is death

 

the death of my future

slowly slipping away

the death of my self esteem

I tossed out yesterday

and the wretched hold of emptiness

rising from the grave

 

my armor’s torn

my glaive worn

and beneath the layers of heavy rust

my resolve lies crumbled in the dust

 

you can’t escape

you can’t escape

the demons whisper in my ear

as they crawl past my defenses

and colour me in fear.

129 – feeling close to breaking down

Trying my best to hold onto the good moments, but it’s getting harder and harder to feel okay. 

My experiments have been put on hold until the technicians come by to check on the machine and the LC valve is repaired. Found out that the dansylation was somehow decreasing the detection of the hormones – AD in particular. Sigh.

Getting worried that this project won’t be completed in time. Then I’ll have nothing to show for the summer or for the poster presentation I have to do. Considering taking a new project.  But I don’t know what I’m capable of.

I’m behind on my MCAT studying.  No surprise there.  But I know I can pull through if there wasn’t so much else on my mind. Need to get through Bio this weekend. Should be stuff I already know.

My period’s here. Late again (was also last month). And my abdomen is bloated everytime prior (which makes me freak out about the fact that I’m getting fat). It may be an ovarian cyst (but not necessarily, since google diagnoses are not very accurate). Which means I should get it checked out. *Reminder to make an appointment for next week.* Wonder if it’s stress induced.
This city is poison.

And of course to make matters worse, there are bed bugs in my room.  Woke up yesterday morning to a whole line of bite marks on my arm. They don’t hurt or itch,  but they’re very noticeable.
So that means I have to spend this weekend cleaning (on top of considering an exterminator). And it’ll probably take me longer than the average person as I am deathly and irrationally terrified of bugs to the point that i just freeze in fear for a good five minutes when I see them scurrying around (literally the way I handed the ant situation last summer back home…in addition to freaking out and calling my mom home from work). It goes without saying that this alone is enough to drive me into a weeping mess. But I’m trying not to let it consume me. Will be sleeping over at my boyfriend’s until it’s safe.

Got a birthday party to attend tomorrow (drinking probably implied).  That plus the cleaning plus my 10hrs of work means my weekend is fairly obliterated.  How I will find the time to study is beyond me. An all-nighter seems inevitable.

Lastly, feeling incredibly homesick.
I don’t think any number of years living here will make me call Toronto home.
So I wish for the strength I need to get me home.

It feels like there are a million things weighing on my mind. It’s crushing. Making it hard to hold on to brighter things (food, friends, love, and gaming).
Which is such a shame. Since I’ve been focusing so hard on happiness and been feeling so lighthearted. So much that I haven’t paid much notice to my depression.
But sometimes all it takes is a trigger to bring it all crashing.
Just one little thing. Or in this case, a million.