Stifled

an inescapable numbness

building upon my heart

devouring me from the inside

and tearing me apart

feeling choked

a little short of breath

and instead of light and laughter

all I feel is death

 

the death of my future

slowly slipping away

the death of my self esteem

I tossed out yesterday

and the wretched hold of emptiness

rising from the grave

 

my armor’s torn

my glaive worn

and beneath the layers of heavy rust

my resolve lies crumbled in the dust

 

you can’t escape

you can’t escape

the demons whisper in my ear

as they crawl past my defenses

and colour me in fear.

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79 – Updated Blog Look! :)

Finally got around to changing the feel of my blog. I wanted it to be brighter, simpler, and just as easy to access as before. And it’s getting there. I’m not completely satisfied and it’s really hard working under wordpress.com restrictions (I’m not paying $30 just to change colours and fonts). I might make a few tweaks here and there as I get used to this theme. It definitely has a brighter energy. And I love it. Do let me know if it looks horrible though. I don’t want to be stuck with something that repels readers from my blog.

I’m looking forward with a more positive attitude and my blog is really going to reflect that from now on (I hope). Happy energy makes a happy person. I know there will always be moments when depression will hit me really hard and I’ll stumble and fall during those toughest of times, but I also know that I’ll get through it and that I am not alone. A lot of people struggle to find happiness. I don’t think they realize that we don’t find any, we create it.

I know one of my other goals was to post more (and also comment more on others’ blogs, because I definitely know from experience that sometimes even a little comment can make someone’s day). Working on it! Hopefully by the end of summer I’ll have a rhythm that works for me.

Phew. Really tired from playing around with the theme (even though it may not seem like much). Going to call it a night and grab some rest before work tomorrow. Going to see fireworks with friends tomorrow. Hopefully lots of fun…I’ll post pictures! Hopefully… (:

The Candle Lighter Award

Rules to this award: What rules?

The Candle Lighter Award is an award for a post or blog that is positive and brings light into the world.  The Candle Lighter Award belongs to those who believe, who always survive the day and who never stop dreaming, who do not quit but keep trying. There are no rules. If you wish to, simply accept it and you are done! You are also free to decline or ignore it.  Recipients can pass it on to as many nominees as they wish and as often as they wish.

—–

First of all, thank you to Kweschn! and Art Epiphany for the award. I’ve been meaning to put this award for a while, but just haven’t had the time to. I appreciate their support so much – it brightens my day to see their comments on my blog.

—–

I’m going to nominate everyone and anyone that has commented with something positive or interesting on my blog. Without all of you, I couldn’t possibly have kept going with this whole blogging thing. Thank you so much! (With exceptions to those who nominated me of course).

In no particular order:

I won’t be notifying the nominees this time as there are simply far too many. Thank you everyone for all the feedback I’ve received over the past few months and I hope that I can continue receiving your support. You’re the best! (:

Everyone I’ve mentioned are worth following.

The Kreativ Blogger Award

Rules of the Award:
1. Share ten things no one knows about yourself.
2. Pass it to six other bloggers.

———

First of all, thank you to scribblinghermit and Epiphany Art for the wonderful award. I feel so spoiled with receiving all these blog awards and all. Thank you so much! I guess I’ll have to pass this award on to 12 people now due to the double nomination. (Hope that’s not cheating…hehe)

——–

10 things about myself.

Uck this is going to be hard. Already wasted a lot of good ones on the Versatile Blogger Award.

1. I love cute things. It just has to be cute. Stuffed animals, pets, drawings…you name it.

2. I procrastinate like crazy. A lot of people like to assume I’m hardworking. HAH. No.

3. I prefer cats over dogs. Sorry dog lovers. ):

4. I’ve been gaming on the computer since I was three and a half years old. Total geek here.

5. Started piano when I was almost five years old.

6. I used to be obsessed with techno/alternative music. A lot of it still remains in my playlists. Now? I am obsessed with LIGHTS. (As well as a lot of other pop/country music… Check my homepage for what else I like.)

7. I adore the sound of fingers typing rapidly on a keyboard. The clackier the keyboard, the better.

8. I am against all types of discrimination – racism, sexism – and all types of bullying. If there are rooted reasons behind it, I try to understand and see the other side. It’s hard to.

9. I still watch Spongebob. Sometimes. It’s hard to grow up.

10. I like adding -y to the end of people’s names (if it works).

——–

Six Twelve blogs I love! (:

1 – Sorealtonight

2 – Grandfathersky

3 – Kiwsparks

4 – Kweschn!

5 – Go Jenzy!

6 – Daydreams

7 – bipolarmuse

8 – The Bard on the Hill

9 – Beneath Snow, Leaf, and Soil

10 – Alexanderpseudonym

11 – Halfway Between the Gutter

12 – iRemember

The Seven “X” Seven Link Award

I’m still overwhelmed with the loveliness that is Boxing Day, but I think I shall share my little bit of happiness with seven other bloggers today.

I present to you: the 7×7 Link Award!

Rules to this award:

1. Thank the person who gave it to you.
2. Tell something about yourself that no one else knows.
3. Link to seven of your entries: Most Beautiful Piece, Most Helpful, Most Popular, Most Controversial, Most Surprisingly Successful, Most Underrated, and Most Pride Worthy.
4. Nominate seven other bloggers and notify them.

——

First of all, thank you SO MUCH to Epiphany Art not only for nominating me for this award, but for being one of my most supportive followers and readers. He’s read a lot of what I have written here and I can’t thank him enough for the feedback and support. Please go check out his blog if you’re reading this.

EDIT: I was nominated again by the bipolarmuse. Thank you! (:

——

Something about me that nobody knows. That’s hard…to choose.

I think I’ll have to say the fact that I have OCD. No, not Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. Way too many people claim to have that even when they don’t. It really makes people overlook the serious problems that people have when they have the disorder or people who actually really hate the disorder.

No, I have Obsessive Collecting Disorder. It runs in my family. My dad collects the strangest stuff. I swear. Hello kitty phone straps, stuffed bears…the weirdest of things. Me? I’m a little more picky about what I collect (I’m lying, I’m actually not). When I was a kid, I used to collect Kinders Surprise toys. I have over a hundred collecting dust on the top of my bookshelf. Other things I’ve collected include paper cranes, stuffed animals, the Harry Potter series (movies and books), the Twilight series (movies and books again), the CLAMP Chess Set, posters (that I don’t even hang up…), and random weird collectibles. I can’t help it. I’m compelled to finish the collection whether I really want to or not. It’s scary.

My brother collects too…but I won’t go into that.

——–

Seven entries!

Most Beautiful Piece: The Relationship Between Him and I

Most Helpful:…have I helped anyone? I guess when I asked for more blogs. (: Recommend me some more blogs please~

Most Popular: Star Light

Most Controversial: 5 – Online Relationships

Most Surprisingly Successful: I hate you for knowing the “me” that I will never be.

Most Underrated: Ode to Google

Most Pride Worthy: Amnesty

——

Finally, seven bloggers I love and cherish. They’re all awesome. ’nuff said. [Tried not to repeat those I had nominated for the Versatile Blogger Award.]

1) sorealtonight

2) iRemember

3) the wuc

4) Whispers In The Wind

5) suzannagoretti

6) avantourists

7) Alexander Pseudonym

If I had 12 more nominations, I would nominate everyone I did for the Versatile Blogger Award, but unfortunately I don’t. ):

Congratulations to all nominees! Hehe. Even if this is a minor award. Oh, and happy holidays.

The Versatile Blogger Award

The Rules are:

1. Thank the award-giver and link back to them in your post.
2. Share 7 things about yourself.
3. Pass this award along to 15 recently discovered blogs you enjoy reading.
4. Contact your chosen bloggers to let them know about the award.

—-

So first of all, thank you so much sorealtonight for the award. She’s a very talented writer who’s been through a lot in her life, so please give her your support too.

EDIT: Thank you to friskymittens for the second nomination. She has wonderful and personal blog that’s simply stunning.

—-

7 Things About Myself

1. I first discovered poetry in the third grade and really got myself into it. It was a new medium to deal with my anxieties and worries at the time. A lot was happening around that time and it was nice to have a way to express how I was feeling. At the same time…the poetry I wrote back then was pretty bad. Still, we grow over time. I just happened to use poetry to do it.

2. I still sleep with my teddy bear. It’s nice not to feel so alone at night. Don’t judge me. 🙂

3. I have participated in NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month) every year since 2007. It’s a lot of fun and you should check it out next November if you haven’t already. Writing 50,000 words in a month. And enjoy doing it. I’ve succeeded twice. It’s actually harder than you think considering you always have other things going on at the same time.

4. I space out a lot. I try not to do it as often as I used to, but sometimes it’s hard to control. When I suddenly stop listening or zone out, it’s not because I’m trying to be rude, but because some sort of idea or thought has me hooked. I like to develop those ideas in my head…for quite a while.

5. I play the piano in addition to a little bit of the violin, the guitar, the recorder, and the harmonica. I’m horrible at playing a harmonica…though my uncle has tried to teach me. Music is another outlet to my feelings and emotions that overwhelm me on a day to day basis. I absolutely hate practicing classical pieces over and over in order to prepare me for my exam, but I like hearing the sound of music and creating it with my own fingers. I can’t sing though. I like to sing, but I really can’t. Don’t ask me to. You’ll cover your ears in agony.

6. I’m a gamer, geek, otaku, nerd, bookworm, AND proud of being all those things. I like being a little dorky at times and even if that calls for a little laugh at me, I wouldn’t change it for anything. Gaming and reading are two things that keep my depression in check. Despite what people might think, I hate being alone. I hate it. When I am alone, I have to suffocate myself in thoughts or with some sort of activity.

7. I’m only sixteen. I should admit that now before anyone continues with their misconception of me. I’m sixteen, but I’m not a rebellious teenager with just too much angst. I’m not the typical high school student who just blogs for attention. I’m here to deal with my own personal problems and it means a lot to have every single one of my readers and followers here supporting me. Sometimes I just feel older than my friends around me. It’s weird, but it’s just something else I have to deal with. I’ve been exposed to many things in my life and have had to deal with things that someone my age shouldn’t really have to deal with. I know that sounds silly – I mean, what could a sixteen year old possibly have going on that’s more traumatizing than what adults go through? Well, bear with me. I’m living with my life and you’re living with yours. If you need a helping hand, I’ll gladly lend you mine. I’m just asking for your hand when I need it too.

—-

15 nominations…that’s going to be difficult.

1. Epiphany Art – Amazing poet and writer. He’s an amazing supporter and I really can’t thank him enough for the support.

2. Go Jenzy! – The most supporting blogger ever and she’s been through a lot herself. I can’t even being to describe how amazing she’s been over the past month.

3. Grandfathersky – He always offers me such humble advice and I can’t thank him enough for that.

4. Scribblinghermit – An avid poet. I really love reading his works.

5. Kweschn! – Amazing blogger and a really nice person. Honestly, you’ll love his blog.

6. Thisbeatingheart – She has such strong faith and I can’t help being influenced by her.

7. Thoughtsanctum – Kind of bias here, but he’s such a great friend. I love his thoughts.

8. Thebardonthehill – It’s impossible not to like his blog. I swear. It’s heaven for anyone who loves poetry.

9. Paperback Writer – She’s still new, but I love her blog oh so much.

10. Beneath Snow, Leaf, and Soil – Darwin’s poetry is inspiring. It’s touching. I love it so much.

11. Kiwsparks – I love her blog! Her thoughts are definitely worth reading and every piece is like a bit of her own life.

12. Halfway Between the Gutter – She deals with depression in the most inspiring way. I take a lot out of her posts.

Uck. Can’t think of any more nominations at the moment, so I’ll have to cheat and just nominate 12 right now. I think a lot of them have already received the award before, but they’re definitely amazing enough to receive it again.

Merry Christmas, everyone. ❤

10 – Recommend me some blogs! :)

As the title says, I’m looking for more blogs to look at and read. Sure, I love writing, but there’s something about reading that I love just as much. I’m also an avid fan of art, photography, anime&manga, gaming, and anything cute. I love poetry (in case you haven’t noticed).

I may be doing as a way to relieve my own self-conceitedness, but I honestly do enjoy looking at other blogs. I love commenting oh so much. It may seem a little shallow to just be openly asking for something to read instead of taking the time to do it myself, but I value the opinions of other bloggers. I really do.

Oh my. I’m just making myself sound worse…

So give me some blogs to read! I find quite a lot on my own, but I want more. 🙂

They can be from anywhere, but preferably from either WordPress, Blogspot, or Tumblr.

Like this post if you want me to look at yours.

Comment below if there’s someone you want me to check out.

If I’m already following you, I’ll make sure to read even more from you.

As always, if you follow me, i’ll follow back. (: