“It’s okay to be yourself”

I think it’s only human that from time to time we wish we were just a little bit more.

Just a little bit less awkward so other people would like me more.

Just a little bit more outgoing so that maintaining my relationships wouldn’t feel so difficult.

Just a little bit more focused so I could get these assignments done.

Just a little. Please. Please?

These thoughts hit me hardest when asked the most ordinary of questions:

“Hey, are you going to…(insert club night/formal/bar crawl/social event of torturous nature to introverts like me)?”

“Oh! That episode of…(insert highly popular TV show that for some reason everyone but you seems to watch) was great!”

And it makes sense to feel out of place when confronted with a question mark, when you feel like you can no longer contribute anything meaningful to a conversation, when you start to fade into the background rather than be engaged.

It makes sense to feel like you’re not enough and to feel like you need to be more like “everyone else”.

It makes sense because we are social creatures and we bond on points of common interest.

It makes sense, but it sure doesn’t feel right.

And because it doesn’t feel right, you’re left with one of two options:

to ignore it

or to shut it down.

And while I’ve lived most of my life doing the former,

I’ve come to like the latter.

And so instead of feeling like I don’t belong,

I think about and appreciate all the little things that make me me.

Rise

On the Canadian elections, the Liberal landslide, & the start of some real political change.

———-

so long we have waited

for the parting of the clouds

for the falling of the giant

and

for a voice we could call ours.

 

but the battle is far from over

in fact

it’s only just begun

though someone new wields the sharpened blade

we are from revolution

and still we lie in the shadows

of our stagnant, foggy past.

 

change

promise

trust.

 

but it all comes slowly

so we mustn’t hope too much

but surely

with this change of hand

we will see

some old crumble into the dust

and find that

some new will come to stand.

 

the wind carries

an air of excitement, ignition

release of inhibition

and from passion in his eyes

we

can

feel

the

rise.

Saying “Goodbye”.

“You’ve changed.”

Hint of anger in his voice. Fists clenched. His eyes won’t meet mine.

 

“Yes.”

I reply. Calm. I take a deep breath, keeping the tears swelling in my eyes at bay. I’ll cry later when he’s not around. Crying now will only weaken my resolve.

 

“And I haven’t, have I?”

His eyebrows furrow in frustration. He steps closer. I move back. I need the distance.

 

“No.”

I grasp my left wrist with my right hand. Need. To. Stop. Shaking.

 

“Every time, something goes wrong in your life, I’m there for you. I’m dependable.

I know everything about you.

Every little secret.

And I make things better. I make you happy.

You can’t leave me now.

You need me.”

 

He lifts his head so that his eyes meet mine. His gaze is piercing. I shiver. But I do not fold. I retaliate.

“I needed you. Not anymore. Never again.”

 

He grimaces but quickly recovers. His expression softens. The corner of his lips curve into a smile.

“You’ll come back to me soon enough. You always do. Enjoy your little alone time.”

 

He laughs.

In the past, that would’ve been enough to crack me.

Now, I am unfazed.

 

“Goodbye.”

I turn and walk away without a second glance. His laughing stops.

 

“Wait!”

I don’t. My arms stop shaking. My entire body relaxes.

 

Psychologically and physically,

I am free.

106 – In need of a change.

I’ve only had about two hours of sleep so my cognitive abilities are quite low as I am writing this. I’m not even sure how I finished a whole essay out last night (it’s complete BS so I feel sorry for the TA who has to mark it…except the TAs are on strike so who knows when that will be marked). I could’ve had a full night of sleep yesterday. Poor time management. Leaving my assignments to the last moment. It’s true that this is the case, but I just felt a lack of motivation to do anything to prevent it.

I just haven’t had very much motivation lately. I can barely lift open the cover of a textbook before I get this hopeless feeling and have to put it down. I’ve been having too much sleep lately (other than last night). 12 hours is not healthy. I find it hard to get out of bed. Winters here are really harsh on me. I just can’t find my spark.

Been playing a ridiculous amount of Town of Salem lately. The people there aren’t always the brightest, but there’s this satisfaction when you’ve figured out the whole town out and you know you’re going to win. I’ve always been a fan of mysteries, curiousity being one of my greatest weaknesses. I don’t seem to be lacking in cognitive motivation in that regard, I suppose.

Breezed through my chem lab today (the least stressful of them all) and am currently enjoying a maple fog latte that I thought was well-deserved for getting through my two chemistry classes awake (I’m lying, I always treat myself to coffee shop drinks regardless of whether I have an occasion or not. My poor wallet, I know.)

For the next week, I think I’ll be as nice as possible to myself. Maybe if I make myself happy consistently, motivation will come along with it. Hah. It’s the spoiled girl in me talking. But I’ll give it a try.

I got my first choice of supervisor for NSERC. I’m happy about that. The professor in charge of the group seems like a really nice guy and the graduate students all seemed very friendly when I attended their seminar session. I hope I’ll learn a lot and be able to enjoy my summer a bit. Not so happy about the fact that it’ll be 16 weeks I’ll be stuck here. I think I’ll be able to go home for the last 2 weeks before school though. That’d be nice.

I guess all the people I talked to through NSERC count towards my “emailing a faculty member and meeting up” resolution. So let’s just check that one off for now. Hopefully, I’ll be doing a lot more of that.

I am disappointed in myself for missing an ultimate game last Saturday. To be fair, I had a late Friday night and slept over at my boyfriend’s place so the trip to school didn’t seem quite appealing. Plus it was cold. Always blame the cold. At least I’ve gone to every other game so far. So that resolution isn’t completely butchered.

I’m not so concerned about making friends anymore. I think that if I just focus on myself and be kind and open to the people around me, I’ll naturally find people that I can talk to and connect with. Met a really lovely new friend when I was meeting up to talk with Dr. Nitz (who is an amazing professor from what I’ve heard and from my own personal meeting with him). We talked for so long (about chemistry) that I was late for work last Thursday. Opps. No regrets. Anyway, gonna cross that resolution off the list.

I’m going to keep trying to make a change in my life. I feel like as of university, the goal has always shifted every semester from “doing well” to “surviving”. I keep telling myself I’ll get back on my feet after I survive the next midterm. Before I know it, I’ve been “surviving” the whole semester. I want to thrive. I want to do well. And that isn’t going to change if I don’t make some serious changes within myself. Maybe I need to approach a new line of motivation. Give myself little rewards for every hour that I study. That sort of thing. I’ll try some things out this weekend maybe.

Got a three hour abnormal psych class now. As much as I love the material and how the prof is quite the character (in a good way, of course), I’m not sure I can survive with my 2 hours of sleep. Ugh. Stayawakestayawakestayawake.

Alright. More updates later. I don’t think I hit 10 blog posts a month for Feb. I’ll do more updates this month.

I can do this.

104 – Happy CNY [Super Blog]

This is going to be a long one. In order to kind of organize it a bit, I’m going to putting tl;dr’s in bold BEFORE each topic. If you hate reading, just the bolded sentences will give you a good idea of what’s been happening in my life.

I’m also going to start putting real names, when applicable, into my blogs. I want to be able to look back years from now and remember the people who helped me out at this point in life. So only good things about good people. Bad people or people I dislike will continue to remain anonymous. It’s to signify a realization that other people are important in my life – my life doesn’t only revolve and consist of solely myself.

This blog is a little Throwback Thursday to my ninth grade, when I used to do super blogs for my Applied Skills class on this blog. Was reading it again a few days ago. The way I blogged drastically changed in tenth grade (when I started this WordPress). I wasn’t innocent back then. Never have been. But I sure as hell acted it. Annoyingly so. But I was trying in my own way to be happy with all those happy faces. I was trying in my own way by being so awfully vague and bored with life. So I’ll never wish I was different person then. Without the girl in that blog, I would not be who I am today and although I am not completely satisfied with who I am now, I’m happy with who I am.

Flashback aside, let’s start on a good note.

First and foremost, have a Happy Chinese/Lunar New Year my WordPress friends.

I think it’s about time I put in another doodle. As a continuation of my previous lunar new year doodle, have another one.

Untitled-1

Yes, yes, I know what you’re thinking: “Where did your years of art lessons go?” But nothing beats a good doodle. They make me happy. I doodle on my arms and notebooks to keep myself awake in class. They’ll always be a part of me. They give me courage when I’m feeling anxious. They make me smile when I’m feeling down. And hopefully, they’ll carry me through this awful semester of university.

I’m a little sad and lonely that I’m not at home celebrating New Years with my family and friends. Red envelopes. Good food. Lion dances and festivals. I miss the celebratory atmosphere. By the time I’m out of this city and back home, I might be too old to enjoy the holiday the same way. What a sad thought. But it’ll be okay. I’m sure I can find new ways to bring the same joy back.

The weather has been awful here, but Buta’s been helping with that.

Buta is my new pig-shaped humidifier. I got it from the One’s at Pacific Mall (a place that feels like an indoor night market). He’s my alarm clock’s best friend. And my hair’s too. It got really dry, windy, and cold this February. We had wind chills of -40 degrees Celsius. Not fun. And it makes my hair all staticky, dry, and annoying. Buta helps with that.

2015-02-19 15.04.19

Look how cute Buta is. Oink oink. ❤

Brings me back to the whole idea of Chinese New Year and the zodiac also. I was born in the Year of the Pig. Perhaps that was why I was naturally drawn to choosing the pig over the various other animal-shaped humidifiers (which were a bunny, panda, and goat).  I can relate to pigs. They’re lazy, stubborn, but they’re also intelligent and fast learners. They can be super friendly and independent at the same time. I think I have what it takes to be a good pig. Some of my friends that are the same age as me really fit the description as well. I wonder if the zodiac and being born in a certain year really does have an influence on your character. Probably not. If anything, it’d be the self-fulfilling prophecy (yay social psych!). Having knowledge that you’re like something can make a person act in a way to fulfill that. So for people influenced by the culture of Chinese New Year, may be more likely to have characteristics of the animal they were born in. Same thing happens with horoscopes. It’s a cool thought though. Just because I believed in it and have celebrated it, it’s influenced me (even if it’s just minuscule compared to all the other environmental factors). The mind works in mysterious ways…that are sometimes not that mysterious.

I learned how true failure feels like.

I know that it wasn’t my best test. I’m abysmally bad at tests under pressure. It wasn’t good, but I couldn’t believe my mark. 15% on a mid-term. It was pretty demoralizing. Makes me doubt my chemistry major. I thought I had understood Inorganic Chem. I clearly wasn’t able to demonstrate any understanding. To be fair, the class average was 37%. But I’m still severely below that average. Ugh. I’m going to have to try harder I guess. You win some, you lose some. In my case, I lose a ton since I was sick for so damn long. I swear this city is toxic towards my health.

2.5 more years. You can do this. Won’t make my Med School dreams. But I’ll keep trying until I do (even if it takes me a few extra years). Don’t. Give. Up.

I’m finally recovering from being sick. I can recover from these awful midterms too, right?

Axe-throwing is really, really fun.

Went axe-throwing with the CSU and it was a real stress-reliever after having heard about my awful midterm mark. It was kind of like archery or darts in which you have to hit a target and try to get the bullseyes,but completely different because axes are so much cooler. It was really difficult to get it to land properly (i.e. not have it bounce off when the handle hit the target instead of the blade), but was really rewarding once you got the hang of it. Such an interesting experience – definitely something I would try again. Then again, I’m really clumsy…so it may not be the best idea to put me with a sharp blade again and again. Meh. Even though I was still sick while doing it, I had a great time. Got to know the other CSU members (especially Tanya and Alex) a little better also. That was super rewarding.

Axe-throwing!

Overnight shifts kind of suck.

I worked my first overnight shift last Friday (at McDonalds). Due to the fact that I was still kind of sick, I slowly lost my voice throughout the long 8 hours (9pm – 5am). It was extremely hard to stop myself from coughing (I still have a slight cough even now), but I tried my best since I didn’t really want to get any customers sick. I have no idea why I accepted that shift, but I like to be accommodating, so I guess that’s why. I had another shift later that day, but I was too sick to really work anymore so I had someone replace me for that. It was Valentine’s Day anyway. I deserved a break.

There were a ton of drunk, rude people that came in between 2-3am. It was a really crazy mob. Makes sense considering there are lot of pubs in the area. Didn’t help that it was Valentine’s Day. Drunk people, sickness, and night shifts really don’t mix. Would not do again.

As for Valentine’ Day itself, I spent the majority of it resting in bed and eating (with the boyfriend, of course). Being sick sucks.

Friendship can be awkward and amazing at the same time.

Went out for AYCE sushi with Mohamed yesterday. He’s honestly been a really good friend to me this year, helping me with my CHM238 (Horrible Inorganic Chem course I’m failing) labs and giving me advice about PSY240 (Abnormal Psych). So it was a nice treat to go out and eat together (away from school). We were supposed to go out with a couple other of my Chemistry classmates/friends, but plans fall through sometimes. Kirsten was too busy with Chinese New Year plans (totally understandable) and Alina was sick with a fever (I really hope I didn’t give that to her, I’d feel terrible if that were the case). The flu seems inescapable as the other friend we asked was also sick.

The place we went to, Spring Sushi, was extremely ambient – it did not feel like the traditional sushi restaurant. It felt like a classy lounge had been changed to a sushi restaurant: the walls were painted with Japanese-esque images, but the rest of the place was classy and the lights were dimmed. The place was wonderful really. We ordered through these iPad-looking things and the service was quick. It was awkward in that the waiter may have thought we were on a date (I already have a boyfriend), offering to take our picture. We accepted the picture, of course. I haven’t taken pictures with anyone in a long while.

The food was really good. I think I shocked Mo with how much I could eat (yay bottomless stomach). That was also awkward. It felt really nice to just talk about things and people and enjoy the lovely view (of this horrible city). I don’t have very many friends here (if at all any). Haven’t really made any close ones yet. It’s really hard. This city is really big. And cold. And lonely. And I’m not particularly a big fan of clubbing events or parties. But it’s okay. I’m doing just fine. I have people that help me out at school. I have people that make me smile at an awful university that threatens to kill my GPA over and over again.

Until the day I find some friends in this heartless city, I have video games.

Bastion is a very well-made and enjoyable game.

Having fallen in love with a trailer of the game a few years back, I finally got around to playing it a few days ago. I was pleasantly surprised. The combat style felt like a mix of Lunia and Rune Factory. Can’t wait to finish it and move onto Transistor (which the trailer has also made me fall in love with).

There’s nothing more satisfying than a good indie game with a solid story, beautiful drawings, and good mechanics. I love being absorbed in a world more mystifying than my own.

bastion_1_0

Then again, I get easily lost in this world as well.

Life is hard.

But it sure is beautiful.

Even the worst moments will pass.

I’m finding my smile again.

Happy Chinese New Year’s, everyone.

Unrestricted, You Are

Do you ever stop and wonder where you’re going?

Or how long you’ve travelled on without knowing?

Do you ever wish someone would hold your hand?

Explain the things you’ll never understand?

 

It only takes a moment to get a little lost,

It only takes a moment to think about the cost

Of all the intellectual ideas you flushed down the drain

Just so you wouldn’t have to deal with the oncoming pain

Of not knowing whether you were right or wrong,

But can’t you see you’ve been right all along?

 

What they never teach you in school is how to make mistakes,

They tell you when you’re incorrect, that you don’t got what it takes,

But this is your life and you should live it how you want,

Live freely, live proud, comme jamais auparavant.

 

I think you’re brilliant, fluorescent in the night,

More than just capable of reaching a new height,

You’re bursting with integrity, just got to let it shine,

I think that when you love yourself, you’re going to do just fine.

 

Come on, you’re spectacular, what more do you need?

Even when you fail, your success is guaranteed.

La vie est courte, mais toujours vraiment beau,

You’ve spent your whole life waiting,

Baby, it’s time to go.

83

And if you hurt me
That’s okay baby, only words bleed
Inside these pages you just hold me
And I won’t ever let you go

-“Photograph”, Ed Sheeran

Sometimes love can hurt you. Sometimes it makes you miserable, makes you want to bury yourself in some forgotten corner and hope that the pain will forget that you exist. But love is beautiful. It is what makes us feel alive when we’ve lost all other meaning in vast, vast world. The world is big and it’s very easy to get lost in it. But love finds you a home even when you feel like you don’ t have one. So hold onto love. Hold onto the happiness you feel when your arms are wrapped around another’s, when you put a smile on someone important to you,and when you hear the laugh that you love to hear the most.

I’m a romantic. I love the idea of love and I won’t try to deny that. So I will always love. I like to reminisce with trinkets, little memories from another time; with photographs, euphoric moments captured in the blink  of an eye; with words, phrases and poems and stories with a different view; with music, a single melody bringing back a glorious day in the past.

I love the present also. Take everyday for it’s worth. I know I won’t be around forever, so I might as well enjoy every feeling, good or bad, every moment, happy or sad, and every breath that makes me glad.

—-

I am retaking my driver’s test tomorrow. I shall walk in with the confidence that I will pass. So that if I don’t, I can say I gave it my all.

I’ve been shopping a lot (and buying a lot) lately. I think it’s time to step back and appreciate what I already have. I don’t need all these new clothes…or maybe I do…Uck. I’ll just appreciate it all.

Change is good. Change is fun. And I’m looking forward to a lot of that this year.