156 – The same monster with a different name.

I am feeling a lot better today in comparison to that awful morning. I realized that my writing down only negative feelings was not giving an accurate representation of the whole spectrum of my experiences. For my own sake, I’d like to reflect on the after, on how I move through my depression (and now my anxiety). Continue reading


until nothing remains

I built you up to be a giant

grand and gentle, fair and free

but really

you’re not so different from me

human, flawed, and fragile

tears are flooding through the cracks

and so we shatter

oh, how we shatter.


I pick up the pieces

and clutch them in my arms

they’re sharp and they sting

and I bleed from within

but I fear that they are all I have left

they are all I have left.


I’m sorry to have lived in fantasy

clueless and forlorn in melancholy

this isn’t who I was meant to be

but who I was I can no longer see.


drifting further on endless night

there is no comfort in this sleight

let me fade away into the dark

and leave me until I’m torn apart.

A Glass Cage

exasperated by our fruitless interactions

no longer can I speak

when the words are cutting deep

onto wounds that haven’t healed

from our past defeats.


I’m finding it hard to believe

that we can make the change

we promised we would

but you know

some things

just stay the same.


I reach out

but my fingers just can’t reach

guess this is what they mean

by so close but yet so far.


I feel taunted, tricked, deceived

for I can see the brighter future

that lies beyond this glassed cage

but my punches and my kicks only seem to ricochet.


I press my forehead against the cold surface

rest my fists and close my eyes

my arms and legs are shaking

I’m a little terrified.


We’ve looked in every nook and cranny

searching for our mistakes

trying to find reason why

we’re cracking along the edges

but now I think I realize

that you can’t make fire from ashes

you can’t fix what never was.


my knees cave in and I fall to the ground

drained and hopeless

lost and alone


and drowned.


the tears falling from my face

burn upon my blistered palm

all the pain I had supressed

as I fought against the tide

flood down upon my heavy heart

and slowly tears me apart

from the inside.


but I think I have

just enough

for one last and final try

so please

save me from this misery

before my love begins to rot

let us push against this wretched glass

with everything we’ve got.


Tonight, I feel broken and I just don’t know why.

Went to a friend’s birthday party today, indulged in fondue, and watched White House Down which left me shaking in my seat from the excitement. Went out for dinner with family. Had fun today. Laughed lots. Felt amazing walking home in the warm weather.

But right now, I feel exhausted and unhappy.

Maybe I had too much sugar today and these unfortunate emotions are a result of the crash.

Maybe it’s my introversion that I still really haven’t come to terms with.

Maybe it’s my mental health.

I don’t know and that’s what irks me. The unknown. The uncertainty. This everlasting feeling of loneliness.

I don’t know what I need.

I just want to feel okay again.

And I will.

I just wish I knew what was wrong.


Why are you sad?

I don’t know. I just don’t know. My mood changes like this global warming infested weather. One moment I’m screaming words I didn’t intend to say, and the next I find comfort in the silence. Then the tears come for bad memories are often drawn to the silence.

My fingers crashed, but they inflicted no difference upon the monster. He knows me too well. Knows that he is immune to my words and my attacks. I fought him harder as if in a cry for help. But that cry was in a language that no one will ever understand. Forte, forte, forte. There was no gentleness left in me today. I was not satisfied until the numbness came to mind. I will lose him soon enough. I will escape his grasp and find a better place…but it is always frightening to look towards somewhere unfamiliar. He is familiar, too familiar; yet because I know his other face, I cannot despise him completely. He is sometimes useful for my needs.

I have come to a realization as to why I prefer my brother’s bed to mine. It is safer in his room. He protects me from the monster…most of the time anyway. And perhaps, I don’t feel so alone.

Sometimes I question how the monster came to be. When did it start? And why did I run from all the prior opportunities to terminate his existence? It was never meant to be like this. It was a silly whim. To follow and perform like my dear best friend. Sometimes I wonder if it’s all a mistake…but his other face, his other face! It tantalizes me evermore…

I will name him when this is all over…when I am done all that I think I should do. He will have a proper name, but something bestial – I think that would suit him best.

Monster, monster, knocking at the doors of my mind…

He reminds me of all the things I fear.

Reminds me that what I feared and thought to have overcome may actually still be lurking in the shadows.

He is unkind.

But you are too kind.

Too kind to rescue me from his grasp.


He and loneliness make good partners.


I saw this image, or poem rather, on Tumblr and I thought how perfectly this describes and summarizes the thoughts running inside my head at this moment.

I need to get away from you for a while…and you won’t like it. I won’t like it either.

It’s ruining me. This happiness. This sadness. This loneliness.

I’m scared also that you’ll find someone to replace me if I disappear for a while, but I think I’m going to have to take the risk.

I can’t deal with my thoughts and feelings being toyed like this. Unintentionally, of course.

It hurts me that you’re oblivious to it all.

It hurts me because it’s not your fault at all – I’m not exactly normal.

I just want to be normal.

I just want to be myself again.

I’m sorry.

But I’m not sorry.

I’m just a little lost.

Time will heal me.

Loneliness and I

We were comfortable in the silence

proud to know each other

happy to have the other

when all the world seemed

so unforgiving

so cruel

so bent on having us destroyed.


In the absence of friendship

he inspired me to push myself further

to fight back against the black and white

the beast that grinds my fingers numb

to paint my heavy heart in the written word

a lullaby of expression in the darkness

to open my eyes to more than myself

to realize that life is beyond

the curves of this blank canvas.


Loneliness and I.

Loneliness and I…


Who would’ve thought that anyone

could tear our nexus into pieces?


You changed everything

when you closed and locked the doors

to loneliness

to a love that seemed so cold to you.


You changed everything

when you replaced what meant most to me

with something new

something different

shifted my heart

away from the loneliness

towards the terror

of loving you.


I must admit

your offers of happiness

tempt me ever so much

and I don’t regret

the change of heart

the emancipation of my soul.


But loneliness is a formidable foe

he knows where to find me

when you are absent

he knows how to hurt me

when you are unaware

and he won’t let me go

without a fight

without one last attempt at winning me back.


You broke us apart

but I don’t believe that this is your battle

I don’t believe that this resentment

buried into the loneliness

is at all directed towards you.


No, I do believe that this fight

belongs to me

for it was I that abandoned him

I that befriended him

and left him

for the wolves of emptiness to swallow whole.


So dear,

please don’t break me

please don’t return me to his grasp

please take responsibility

for tearing down our past.