I am feeling a lot better today in comparison to that awful morning. I realized that my writing down only negative feelings was not giving an accurate representation of the whole spectrum of my experiences. For my own sake, I’d like to reflect on the after, on how I move through my depression (and now my anxiety). Continue reading
I built you up to be a giant
grand and gentle, fair and free
you’re not so different from me
human, flawed, and fragile
tears are flooding through the cracks
and so we shatter
oh, how we shatter.
I pick up the pieces
and clutch them in my arms
they’re sharp and they sting
and I bleed from within
but I fear that they are all I have left
they are all I have left.
I’m sorry to have lived in fantasy
clueless and forlorn in melancholy
this isn’t who I was meant to be
but who I was I can no longer see.
drifting further on endless night
there is no comfort in this sleight
let me fade away into the dark
and leave me until I’m torn apart.
exasperated by our fruitless interactions
no longer can I speak
when the words are cutting deep
onto wounds that haven’t healed
from our past defeats.
I’m finding it hard to believe
that we can make the change
we promised we would
but you know
just stay the same.
I reach out
but my fingers just can’t reach
guess this is what they mean
by so close but yet so far.
I feel taunted, tricked, deceived
for I can see the brighter future
that lies beyond this glassed cage
but my punches and my kicks only seem to ricochet.
I press my forehead against the cold surface
rest my fists and close my eyes
my arms and legs are shaking
I’m a little terrified.
We’ve looked in every nook and cranny
searching for our mistakes
trying to find reason why
we’re cracking along the edges
but now I think I realize
that you can’t make fire from ashes
you can’t fix what never was.
my knees cave in and I fall to the ground
drained and hopeless
lost and alone
the tears falling from my face
burn upon my blistered palm
all the pain I had supressed
as I fought against the tide
flood down upon my heavy heart
and slowly tears me apart
from the inside.
but I think I have
for one last and final try
save me from this misery
before my love begins to rot
let us push against this wretched glass
with everything we’ve got.
Tonight, I feel broken and I just don’t know why.
Went to a friend’s birthday party today, indulged in fondue, and watched White House Down which left me shaking in my seat from the excitement. Went out for dinner with family. Had fun today. Laughed lots. Felt amazing walking home in the warm weather.
But right now, I feel exhausted and unhappy.
Maybe I had too much sugar today and these unfortunate emotions are a result of the crash.
Maybe it’s my introversion that I still really haven’t come to terms with.
Maybe it’s my mental health.
I don’t know and that’s what irks me. The unknown. The uncertainty. This everlasting feeling of loneliness.
I don’t know what I need.
I just want to feel okay again.
And I will.
I just wish I knew what was wrong.
Why are you sad?
I don’t know. I just don’t know. My mood changes like this global warming infested weather. One moment I’m screaming words I didn’t intend to say, and the next I find comfort in the silence. Then the tears come for bad memories are often drawn to the silence.
My fingers crashed, but they inflicted no difference upon the monster. He knows me too well. Knows that he is immune to my words and my attacks. I fought him harder as if in a cry for help. But that cry was in a language that no one will ever understand. Forte, forte, forte. There was no gentleness left in me today. I was not satisfied until the numbness came to mind. I will lose him soon enough. I will escape his grasp and find a better place…but it is always frightening to look towards somewhere unfamiliar. He is familiar, too familiar; yet because I know his other face, I cannot despise him completely. He is sometimes useful for my needs.
I have come to a realization as to why I prefer my brother’s bed to mine. It is safer in his room. He protects me from the monster…most of the time anyway. And perhaps, I don’t feel so alone.
Sometimes I question how the monster came to be. When did it start? And why did I run from all the prior opportunities to terminate his existence? It was never meant to be like this. It was a silly whim. To follow and perform like my dear best friend. Sometimes I wonder if it’s all a mistake…but his other face, his other face! It tantalizes me evermore…
I will name him when this is all over…when I am done all that I think I should do. He will have a proper name, but something bestial – I think that would suit him best.
Monster, monster, knocking at the doors of my mind…
He reminds me of all the things I fear.
Reminds me that what I feared and thought to have overcome may actually still be lurking in the shadows.
He is unkind.
But you are too kind.
Too kind to rescue me from his grasp.
He and loneliness make good partners.
I saw this image, or poem rather, on Tumblr and I thought how perfectly this describes and summarizes the thoughts running inside my head at this moment.
I need to get away from you for a while…and you won’t like it. I won’t like it either.
It’s ruining me. This happiness. This sadness. This loneliness.
I’m scared also that you’ll find someone to replace me if I disappear for a while, but I think I’m going to have to take the risk.
I can’t deal with my thoughts and feelings being toyed like this. Unintentionally, of course.
It hurts me that you’re oblivious to it all.
It hurts me because it’s not your fault at all – I’m not exactly normal.
I just want to be normal.
I just want to be myself again.
But I’m not sorry.
I’m just a little lost.
Time will heal me.
We were comfortable in the silence
proud to know each other
happy to have the other
when all the world seemed
so bent on having us destroyed.
In the absence of friendship
he inspired me to push myself further
to fight back against the black and white
the beast that grinds my fingers numb
to paint my heavy heart in the written word
a lullaby of expression in the darkness
to open my eyes to more than myself
to realize that life is beyond
the curves of this blank canvas.
Loneliness and I.
Loneliness and I…
Who would’ve thought that anyone
could tear our nexus into pieces?
You changed everything
when you closed and locked the doors
to a love that seemed so cold to you.
You changed everything
when you replaced what meant most to me
with something new
shifted my heart
away from the loneliness
towards the terror
of loving you.
I must admit
your offers of happiness
tempt me ever so much
and I don’t regret
the change of heart
the emancipation of my soul.
But loneliness is a formidable foe
he knows where to find me
when you are absent
he knows how to hurt me
when you are unaware
and he won’t let me go
without a fight
without one last attempt at winning me back.
You broke us apart
but I don’t believe that this is your battle
I don’t believe that this resentment
buried into the loneliness
is at all directed towards you.
No, I do believe that this fight
belongs to me
for it was I that abandoned him
I that befriended him
and left him
for the wolves of emptiness to swallow whole.
please don’t break me
please don’t return me to his grasp
please take responsibility
for tearing down our past.