103 – Coping & Moving Forward

My throat still hurts like crazy and this cough is only getting worse, but I think I’ll be okay. The doctor said it would get worse before it gets better (I feel like he shouldn’t have told me that because that probably made me expect it to get worse and subsequently that expectation becomes reality). I have a mid-term in 20 minutes. Not stressed out. I don’t have a terrible headache (thank god, my head was throbbing all of yesterday) and I got in a good six hours of studying (not that good actually, the textbook was incredibly dull).

I’m looking forward to getting a little R&R this Reading Week. My mom thinks that the cause of my sickness is stress. But I haven’t really been all that stressed. The physical symptoms have caused me more stress than school has. I hate being sick. But I’m learning to just let it pass. Rest. And stop stressing over my grades when my health isn’t at its best.

Sipping a White Chocolate Mocha from Starbucks. Mmmm. My favourite drink. Comforting. Taking the advice that you guys have been giving me. (:

Going to sleep in tomorrow. Looking forward to that.

I can’t wait for the weather to get warmer. Winter here is the absolute worst. I think I’ll be able to find my smile more easily as it gets sunnier and the sky gets clearer (as clear as it can get anyway, this is an urbanized city after all).

I’m going to head into the exam room now.

I can do this.

Then go home and rip my medical note into pieces.

Or cry and wish I had just used it.

I can do this.

Hope

Perfect and illusive

with a sparkle in her eyes

leaving you helpless but to wonder

where in the world

her heart lies.

 

Heated silence draws you in

a thousand mysteries in her smile

captivated by the possibilities

electrified by curiosity

deliciously beguiled.

 

In the backdrop of

people you wish you’d never met

you can’t help but feel the urge

to take the steps towards her

approach as close as you can get.

 

For a while

she dances to your tune

laughter and teasing

joy ever increasing

but you can’t shake the feeling

that it’s going to end soon.

 

She dances on the fabric of your dreams

Light steps and pirouette

Close but never within your reach

tachyonic silhouette.

 

Some day she’ll leave you

and that will be okay

she’ll always be a part of you

a fragment of yesterday.

 

She would never mean to hurt you

but she won’t stay by your side

she has places to go

and people to know

the beauty in her stride.

 

Let her go where she needs to go

but keep her in your heart

keep her in your beautiful soul

and you’ll never be apart.

96 – living in my own little world.

I’ve been quite lost lately, drifting from one world to the next, not really knowing what to do or what I’d like to do. I daydream a lot and often imagine myself as someone different. It has never bothered me before, but suddenly something feels off. As if I’m missing something.

Maybe I’m just lonely. I haven’t made a ton of friends here in this cold, heartless city. And I’m not sure I will. I miss home. But I’m not sure that’s why I’m getting this feeling. Not sure what the problem is.

I keep feeling like I want to be somewhere else, like I want to do something different. But I can never grasp it.

Throughout my life, I’ve never really been inclined towards socializing. Not in the normal way – calling friends, meeting up, and chatting and texting whilst in the middle of class. Never really thought that anyone would even want to do that with me. Never got close enough to anyone I suppose. It’s probably my own shortcomings in that sense – if I was more open, more extroverted, perhaps I would have realized that sometimes you have to make the first effort to blossom a relationship. Friendship is giving from both sides, never taking. I should’ve known that. I know it’s not too late to make the effort. And I will. As soon as I stop feeling this way. This hollow, indescribable feeling that I thought I was strong enough to suppress.

I think when I was younger, it wasn’t due to a lack of effort. I think I really did try, in my own way. Try to get everyone around me to like me. Try to act like everyone else. I also think, in a complicated way, I was also bullied by the people I trusted most. Not bullying with harmful intents, but “innocent” teasing that little kids like to partake in. And I think that’s when I stopped trusting the offline world.

I started writing a lot back then. In pieces of paper. Journals that I would throw away after writing a couple of entries. It disgusted me. How I felt. The depression. I wanted to appear happy.

And perhaps that’s where I am now.

Appearing happy.

But I mustn’t think that.

Because when I start to think that, depression will latch on to another piece of hope. Hope of returning into my life. Making it even more difficult to open up to people.

I think what I’d really like right now is a nice, open conversation. It doesn’t even have to be with someone I know well. Someone to talk to about life. Have a discussion filled with respect for each other.

I used to have conversations like that. With strangers on the Internet. But they didn’t feel like strangers to me. They felt like the friends I was lacking all along. And that made me feel like the world was a place worth living in. A beautiful place filled with beautiful people. I still believe that. At least I think I do. I think everyone is beautiful in their own way. And I think I have been forgetting that.

It’s hard to hold such conversations with the people I meet in my everyday life. To hold such a discussion requires trust and respect – something that develops over time, I believe. The type of conversation you would hold with your best friend – as it requires a certain level of intimacy.

I never realized how fortunate I was back when people shared their secrets with me – even though they barely knew who I was.

That was a blessing I never really appreciated and I miss dearly now.

I think someday, I am going to have a friend that I can hold conversations with. I think someday, if I put in the effort and really value the people that I meet, then I can get there. And I hope that when that time comes, I’ll appreciate the comfort and opportunity for what it is.

For now, I need to work on my resolutions. Make myself a better person. And I think my confidence, self esteem, and true happiness will follow.

 

—-

I feel much better having written all of this down. I feel like there’s hope for me yet. That someday, this hollow indescribable feeling won’t even make me flinch because I’d have the cure right around the corner.

all the words I’ve always meant to say

Tell him

how I spend my nights craving for his touch

and how I have never needed anyone this much

Tell him

all the words I’ve always meant to say

and that he’s all I dream about each and every day

Tell him

about the thoughts burning in my heart

and why it sucks so much to be apart

Tell him

when my eyes grow cold

from all the lies that we have told

Tell him

when I have broken down

when silence is the loudest sound.

 

Please, I ask you: will you let him know

That I have always loved him so?

A Painted Heart

a layer of blue

for every second I have missed you

a layer of red

for the passion burning in my head

a  layer of green

for every word I didn’t mean

a layer of violet

for all the feelings I can’t forget

a layer of  teal

for all the secrets I can’t reveal

layer after layer, you have painted my heart

some twisted rainbow of your cruel, cold art.

36 – To Feel Without Thought

In my day-to-day life, I spend every idle moment thinking about what’s happening around me. The relationships that I’ve formed and need to maintain, the lessons I ‘ve learned and have yet to take, the goals in the future and those lost in the past, and the happiness I’ve found and have yet to touch upon.

It’s this consistent thinking that drives me again and again towards a void. Towards a place of sadness, of grief, of overflowing stress. It’s this overthinking that prevents me from the simpler things in life. It’s this overthinking that keeps me up at night.

Once in a while, however, I find a little peace in my heart. I stop thinking. I feel the world.

Sometimes it’s when I’m lying on my bed. My stuffed animals in my grasp. The still air and darkness as my cover. I feel the warmth, the security, the comfort that cause my thoughts to dissipate in that moment. Serenity at its finest.

Sometimes it’s when I’m out on a walk. The sun is shining bright – the symbol of a new day. Butterflies flutter about. The birds sing a song. The cherry blossoms in full bloom. The ground beneath my feet. I feel nature and that in itself brings me to contentment.

Sometimes it’s at night when I’m atop our home’s meager balcony. The stars glimmer in the distance and the moon sheds its light upon the steps. I make a wish on the first star I see and everything feels right. I hum a song into the darkness and I forget just for those few minutes, the problems lingering in my mind.

It’s summer. My favourite season. It’d be a shame to let it go to waste without moments like these.

For my last birthday, I received a mug with a very significant quotation upon it. It has never really left my heart:

“Life is not measured by the number of breaths you take, but by the number of moments that take your breath away.”

It’s time to set ourselves free to the world. Too many times do we just spend our time worrying about where we are, where we can go, what we’ve done, what we should do. Too many times we forget about now.

Let’s feel the world again.

Paradise

Let me paint for you the paradise that develops in my mind

Full of magics and warmths of each and every kind.

 

Caw! Caw! The words you whisper into the breeze

Become the birdcalls from atop the vibrant velvet trees,

Your warmhearted feelings that penetrate the pain

Are reincarnated in a gentle shower, into the flawless rain,

And your smile that has the power to light up my day

Is found in the wildlife – free from the fray.

 

How long will this last? How much can I hope for?

Your love has touched me straight down to the core.

I don’t dare to flinch, I don’t dare to speak –

For the bond that holds us remains very weak.

 

I won’t lose sight of this dream-watered haze,

I won’t lose sight of your steadfast gaze.

So please try your best to finally decide,

So please try your best to stay by my side.