106 – In need of a change.

I’ve only had about two hours of sleep so my cognitive abilities are quite low as I am writing this. I’m not even sure how I finished a whole essay out last night (it’s complete BS so I feel sorry for the TA who has to mark it…except the TAs are on strike so who knows when that will be marked). I could’ve had a full night of sleep yesterday. Poor time management. Leaving my assignments to the last moment. It’s true that this is the case, but I just felt a lack of motivation to do anything to prevent it.

I just haven’t had very much motivation lately. I can barely lift open the cover of a textbook before I get this hopeless feeling and have to put it down. I’ve been having too much sleep lately (other than last night). 12 hours is not healthy. I find it hard to get out of bed. Winters here are really harsh on me. I just can’t find my spark.

Been playing a ridiculous amount of Town of Salem lately. The people there aren’t always the brightest, but there’s this satisfaction when you’ve figured out the whole town out and you know you’re going to win. I’ve always been a fan of mysteries, curiousity being one of my greatest weaknesses. I don’t seem to be lacking in cognitive motivation in that regard, I suppose.

Breezed through my chem lab today (the least stressful of them all) and am currently enjoying a maple fog latte that I thought was well-deserved for getting through my two chemistry classes awake (I’m lying, I always treat myself to coffee shop drinks regardless of whether I have an occasion or not. My poor wallet, I know.)

For the next week, I think I’ll be as nice as possible to myself. Maybe if I make myself happy consistently, motivation will come along with it. Hah. It’s the spoiled girl in me talking. But I’ll give it a try.

I got my first choice of supervisor for NSERC. I’m happy about that. The professor in charge of the group seems like a really nice guy and the graduate students all seemed very friendly when I attended their seminar session. I hope I’ll learn a lot and be able to enjoy my summer a bit. Not so happy about the fact that it’ll be 16 weeks I’ll be stuck here. I think I’ll be able to go home for the last 2 weeks before school though. That’d be nice.

I guess all the people I talked to through NSERC count towards my “emailing a faculty member and meeting up” resolution. So let’s just check that one off for now. Hopefully, I’ll be doing a lot more of that.

I am disappointed in myself for missing an ultimate game last Saturday. To be fair, I had a late Friday night and slept over at my boyfriend’s place so the trip to school didn’t seem quite appealing. Plus it was cold. Always blame the cold. At least I’ve gone to every other game so far. So that resolution isn’t completely butchered.

I’m not so concerned about making friends anymore. I think that if I just focus on myself and be kind and open to the people around me, I’ll naturally find people that I can talk to and connect with. Met a really lovely new friend when I was meeting up to talk with Dr. Nitz (who is an amazing professor from what I’ve heard and from my own personal meeting with him). We talked for so long (about chemistry) that I was late for work last Thursday. Opps. No regrets. Anyway, gonna cross that resolution off the list.

I’m going to keep trying to make a change in my life. I feel like as of university, the goal has always shifted every semester from “doing well” to “surviving”. I keep telling myself I’ll get back on my feet after I survive the next midterm. Before I know it, I’ve been “surviving” the whole semester. I want to thrive. I want to do well. And that isn’t going to change if I don’t make some serious changes within myself. Maybe I need to approach a new line of motivation. Give myself little rewards for every hour that I study. That sort of thing. I’ll try some things out this weekend maybe.

Got a three hour abnormal psych class now. As much as I love the material and how the prof is quite the character (in a good way, of course), I’m not sure I can survive with my 2 hours of sleep. Ugh. Stayawakestayawakestayawake.

Alright. More updates later. I don’t think I hit 10 blog posts a month for Feb. I’ll do more updates this month.

I can do this.

We will always find a way.

A little poem to help me find warmth in the cold.
Just a little one. To bring some happiness and love back into my blog.

2015-02-25 22.45.07

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Cold outside, tired inside
But we’re still quite alive
It’s a been quite a week
Has looked quite bleak
But still we shall survive
My dear
You know I never fear
When you are by my side

A brownie and some coffee
And a few well-deserved laughs
Coupled with some poetry
And a nice warm bath
Tiny shards of happiness
Pierce through the frigid air
The sun insists on hiding
But I feel it everywhere

Winter brought me down
And spring is nowhere to be found
But I’ve captured a piece of summer
A little warmth inside my heart
And even though I haven’t mended all the pieces
I have at least found a start.

it’s lonely here

it’s cold and lonely way out here

my clenched tight fingers hold in fear

a certain sadness floods the air

i do not move, i do not dare.

 

my heart is beating clockwork fast,

this hollow angst is unsurpassed,

i watch the seconds fly on by,

disappear in the gray-lit sky.

 

it’s cold and lonely where you are,

you cannot find the guiding star,

a certain sadness fills your mind,

but you move, you move! unconfined.

 

you find me in the glaciation absent from the light,

you find me buried underneath the silence of the night.

 

it’s lonely here

it’s lonely here

but with you, dear,

i’ve none to fear.

Good Ol’ February

This entry is completely out of my writing style and I must say I’m a little uncomfortable writing in such a different voice. It’s good to have change though. I think.

——

A brush of telltale fantasies

that seem to bring about this certain type of ease

Engulfs me with the coming of this new month –

an elusion fluttering in the February breeze.

 

This flustered innocence that I

know very well won’t last

Somehow keeps me contented with

ideals from the mass.

 

News! Change! Something bright

is promised in the coming of the new moon,

Don’t linger too long on the old thoughts as

the tides are turning and innovation comes soon.

 

Put aside the idling iPads and gussied up machines

and indulge in this new sensation,

Forget just for this moment, just for today,

all the floundering frustration.

 

Twinkle in some fairy dust, add some magic

to the brink of your life’s story,

Just for one day, becomne a vessel of

some greater power and invest in nature’s glory.

 

Come one, come all to welcome dear February’s arrival

And we’ll plunge forth through Winter as we await Spring’s revival.

12 – (Merry) Christmas

Before I get into another reality blog, I’d like to thank everyone who has followed me. I literally get ecstatic every time I get a new comment from you guys. I love the support and I wish I could support you all the way you have for me.

50 followers! I think I promised to start regularly posting art. I think I’ll start posting music soon as part of the art section. I’ve been half-writing a song for the piano (which will probably suck) and I’d love to get that recorded and have the sheet music posted. I love poetry, writing, words…but sometimes music is a far stronger medium than any number of words. There’s something about sounds that I love so much. Or the way words roll off your tongue – it all has to do with sounds.

The wonders of music…

(and I should probably nominate people for the two blog awards I received. Thank you sorealtonight and EpiphanyArt by the way.)

———–

Merry Christmas to everyone!

It’s Christmas eve and I’m not sure why I’m here blogging instead of out there having fun. This year hasn’t been the best year of my life, but a lot has happened and I should take some time to appreciate the experiences – good and bad. I might just put that off till later at the very end of this year as Christmas is more a time of celebration than it is of reflection.

There’s something about Christmas that ties everyone back to their past. I truly believe that. Whether it’s because you’re thinking about the Christmas tree you used to put up but don’t anymore or whether you’re thinking about continuing Christmas traditions.

As for myself…I feel like my Christmas gets worse year after year. I’ll remain optimistic though since I do so love holidays.

I no longer put up the tree that I loved to spend hours decorating. Most probably since I always manage to leave the tree up until March at which point is incredibly awkward to have in your living room.

No one else in my family really gets in the holiday spirit. They treat it as just another holiday. In this way, I’ve never really gotten much of a taste for tradition. We occasionally go and visit relatives or have a great big dinner…but these occasions become rarer by the moment.

Let’s just say I have complicated family relations.

Even so, when I see all the wonderful lights that prominent all over the city, I can’t help but feel a little cheerful. Now if only it was snowing…I can’t believe it didn’t considering that this year was so cold due to La Niña. It rained today. Soured my mood. Sort of.

I feel like I should philosophize about Christmas since this is a reality blog, but I won’t.

Christmas is one of those things you should just let be.

A happy occasion. A not so happy occasion. Christmas spirit. Not-so-Christmas spirit.

Getting together with friends. Enjoying it alone.

If things are rough this year, Christmas leaves you with the feeling that things will get better.

I guess that’s the thing I love about Christmas the most.  No matter how good or how bad your winter holiday is, Christmas will leave it feeling better. Let in some of that Christmas air, clasp your hands together, and look towards the stars (or lack of stars) that litter the night sky.

Things will get better.

 

 

—tumblr: Merry Christmas and don’t stop dreaming. ♥

On a Candycane High

Oh joy, it’s Christmas.

Cupcakes and brownies and other forms of treat

And a poor homeless man lying on the street.

Oh joy, it’s Christmas,

Candy, chocolate, clothes on sale

And prisoners of conscience still stuck in jail.

Oh joy, it’s Christmas,

Romantic dates, flower bouquets,

And children that struggle to survive the days.

Oh joy, it’s Christmas,

Family, friends, and lovers rejoice

While a lonely teen has lost his voice.

Oh joy, oh splendour, oh love, oh glee,

A Christmas so happy and free.