I haven’t done one of these in a while. Reality blogs that is. I’d like to be able to do a fairly more positive one sometime.
But not today.
I broke down this afternoon at the peak of an emotional high. I don’t particularly like crying in front of my friends. I don’t particularly like being weak. I guess I’ve been a little stressed out lately. That, combined with my highly emotional state set upon me in my dreams and my allergies to the cherry blossoms which are now in full bloom just broke any constraint I held.
I don’t like to break down.
Last night, or rather, this morning, I was inflicted with a dream so realistic and so impossible that it did two things: First, it made me laugh – breaking myself into consciousness. I woke up laughing and my mom just happened to walk into the room at that precise moment. She was a little surprised. I was too. I went to back to sleep and then the dream twisted itself in such a way that the second time, I woke up crying. Not a sad kind of crying, but an empathetic, stunned weep.
I’ve never had a dream this real.
Sometimes, I continue dreams over the duration of several nights, but when the dream ends with me crying or smiling, I know it’s not coming back. It’s a one time thing. I can try – but there’s really nothing to continue.
Last night, I was feverishly writing my essay on World Literature or rather, One Day in the Life of Ivan Denisovich. I wrote the 1500ish words in one hour intervals between two hour naps. I was seriously confused because in one of those dreams, I had written and nearly finished my essay. When I woke up to see that I had not in fact written that amount, I was a little disappointed. I suppose you have to do the work awake for it to count. Haha.
But anyway, the dream – it remains vivid in my mind. I’m sure that with time, it’ll fade away. Like everything else does. But for now, the emotions that flood in and out of my mind are as vast as the Nile river and as deep as the Pacific Ocean. They threaten to start my tears all over again. I don’t want that at all.
What hit me the hardest about this dream was what it meant.
I know why I dreamed it or at least have a good idea why.
And I don’t like why.
It was too realistic and too unrealistic at the same time. I love the dream, but everything it stands for – it’s all so wrong.
I won’t illustrate the dream in this post because that could very much bring me down, but maybe in a future post. Maybe tomorrow.
Stronghold 
Your Friends are who you “Should” be able to Cry in front of… Crying isn’t a Weakness, it’s a “Release”… Holding things in, isn’t good for us “Physically”, or “Spiritually”… It’s Important that you Retrain Your Mind in this Regard.
It’s also not a Sign of Weakness… In fact, it’s a Sign of Strength… And, as Proof, it makes us Stronger afterwords.
Generally People who have Issues with Crying, have Issues with Emotions their selves… I’m not saying you do, I’m saying whoever you learned from that it is a Sign of Weakness, most likely has Issues Expressing their selves.
You on the other hand, seem to have a Very Strong and Direct Relationship with Emotions, which is Obvious in your Writing… But, you must spend some time “Unlearning” some of the things that you Think and Feel, that are merely “Mirroring” People that you grew up around.
You are your Own Entity Blue… And though we do Learn some valuable things from those that we are Exposed to when we are young… We also learn some Habits that do not Benefit, nor Express, who we truly are.
Your Personal Relationship with Emotions is Beautiful, as we have Witnessed through, like I say, you’re Writing… But I would Highly Recommend becoming ok with Crying… It can be an Amazing Thing/Feeling to Cry… It just helps to be in a Safe Environment when you do it… And the People you hang around, count as “Environment”…
But even if you do Cry in front of someone, it doesn’t make you any weaker… How People React to your Crying, has more to do with Their Own Personal Relationship with Their Selves, and how Comfortable they are with “Emotions”… It has very little to do with you.
Don’t spend a Moment more than you have/need to in this World, trying to Fit into some form of “Mold” set down by other Human Beings… They are not you… They will never be you… Crying is Beautiful, and Powerful, and Helps to Open doors so that you can “Grow”, and then “Integrate”/”Form” into your Next/Grown Form.
Be Open… Take the Risks… It’s Worth it… And Makes Life Beautiful, like you.
DarkJade-
Oh Jade, where does all this wisdom and confidence come from? Your soul is so strong – I swear it lifts mine up with it. I suppose I have this awful habit of trying to fit in still and I shall have to rid myself of that. Slowly.
I suppose the real reason I don’t like crying is because I don’t want anyone else to know that anything’s wrong. I like to be the one who’s able to give the support – not that one that needs it. But nevertheless, I feel stronger already with your support.
Thank you!
It’s Normal to want to fit in… But what you probably really want is Love… And for that I can’t Blame you… Love is Precious, Beautiful and Rare. And well worth Waiting, and Fighting for.
Don’t be hard on yourself for things that are Normal
It’s nice that you want to be the one that supports people, but “Give and Take” is the Key to any Relationship… Make sure it goes both way… Even the Strongest of us needs to be able to fall to our Knees and Cry sometimes… I’m no Different.
And you are Welcome, you are Well Worth Loving Blue… Remember that, and never settle for anything less than you Deserve.
DarkJade-
One of my favorite things in life is laughing myself to tears. At times this is awkward, especially when I haven’t cried in years. I loved the part about tears of empathy, it defined some of mine today.
Your post helped me to remember a dream from years ago of honey overflowing from a vessel. It flowed down the side, over the counter, and onto the floor. I woke up and wished I hadn’t.
I think we all have dreams we don’t want to wake up from. I would’ve liked to have that dream of yours, but I suppose it wouldn’t be the same for me. Our own experiences, memories, and personalities shape the kind of dreams that we do receive.
They’re all special though. I suppose.
I’m sorry, Nessie. I hate dreams like that, I’ve had them before. And now, thinking about it how I am, I’m like you and I feel like it could make me cry again.
I find that these dreams are the ones that tell the most about us, dear Amber. Whether we like them or not – they mean something pretty significant, no? Our greatest fears, our greatest hopes…
Yeah, I agree. I know exactly what it meant for me. I have to ignore it though, because it can never ever happen. And to to dwell on mine will only break my heart.
Though its not like I’m not reminded of it every. single.day.
I hope your dream helps you, somehow. Mine just reminds me that I’m a horrible person.
You are NOT a horrible person. How could you ever think that, Amber? You’re so supportive of me and I want you to believe that you’re amazing. Because you really are. ❤
I’ll try to believe it 🙂 <3<3
Dreams are always very vivid for me and they can truly evoke feelings so strong and real.
p.s. even though you cry… it doesn’t mean you are weak. I use to feel that way myself. I still hate crying in front of others but it is something I have grown more accustomed to over time.
Have to get those feelings out and onto the table. ♥
Thanks musey, I suppose I just don’t want to be that person that breaks down over every little thing. It drives me crazy I can’t let there be more light in my life.
I’ll definitely let those feelings out though. ❤
Ten thousand paper birds
(without the heritage to) become feathers…
but still they drift…tangled not (by expectations)
no tears for tiny fingers
(that pried) their inanimate bones…
they’ve yet to understand
they cannot soar…
and (so) they do…
….and so you do……….
Beautiful!
Beautiful. Thanks for a little piece of inspiration. (:
Grandfathersky, i was trying to put into words almost the same things, but you said it all… great reply for Nessa!
Thanks for the thought, Wendell! I really appreciate the support. (:
‘Nessa – In my mind, from what I know, you are part of a new wave of people, of souls who are coming into this realm to bring a new way into being. You are pioneers of the soul in the way others settled the West. Barbara Marciniak calls you Children of the Dawn. The difference in the way you see the world and the old ways of the 20th century will cause confusion until you learn that you’re OK. It’s the old world that’s broken. Don’t be afraid to feel… Those feelings are your guides… Good luck, I admire you courage…
Thanks gs, you’ve always offered such encouraging words. I can’t thank you enough for them.
It’s funny because today, a teacher of mine was concerned that our class didn’t have an optimistic view of the world – he believes that as the new generation, we should think of the world as not one that is doomed, but one that is capable of extraordinary things.
I think it’s important to keep all of our eyes open to the infinite possibilities that await us. ❤
Enjoyable writing. It reminded me of my own dream or dream-like moments. Wld b fun to read abt the dream. 🙂 The similarity we have sometimes scares me. Lol
Mm. But this similarity is what connects us, right?
Not sure the dream is all too fun though. (: It’ll make its way into this blog eventually though, it only gets more vivid with each passing day.
Yes, indeed, the similarity does connects us. 🙂