I haven’t done one of these in a while. Reality blogs that is. I’d like to be able to do a fairly more positive one sometime.
But not today.
I broke down this afternoon at the peak of an emotional high. I don’t particularly like crying in front of my friends. I don’t particularly like being weak. I guess I’ve been a little stressed out lately. That, combined with my highly emotional state set upon me in my dreams and my allergies to the cherry blossoms which are now in full bloom just broke any constraint I held.
I don’t like to break down.
Last night, or rather, this morning, I was inflicted with a dream so realistic and so impossible that it did two things: First, it made me laugh – breaking myself into consciousness. I woke up laughing and my mom just happened to walk into the room at that precise moment. She was a little surprised. I was too. I went to back to sleep and then the dream twisted itself in such a way that the second time, I woke up crying. Not a sad kind of crying, but an empathetic, stunned weep.
I’ve never had a dream this real.
Sometimes, I continue dreams over the duration of several nights, but when the dream ends with me crying or smiling, I know it’s not coming back. It’s a one time thing. I can try – but there’s really nothing to continue.
Last night, I was feverishly writing my essay on World Literature or rather, One Day in the Life of Ivan Denisovich. I wrote the 1500ish words in one hour intervals between two hour naps. I was seriously confused because in one of those dreams, I had written and nearly finished my essay. When I woke up to see that I had not in fact written that amount, I was a little disappointed. I suppose you have to do the work awake for it to count. Haha.
But anyway, the dream – it remains vivid in my mind. I’m sure that with time, it’ll fade away. Like everything else does. But for now, the emotions that flood in and out of my mind are as vast as the Nile river and as deep as the Pacific Ocean. They threaten to start my tears all over again. I don’t want that at all.
What hit me the hardest about this dream was what it meant.
I know why I dreamed it or at least have a good idea why.
And I don’t like why.
It was too realistic and too unrealistic at the same time. I love the dream, but everything it stands for – it’s all so wrong.
I won’t illustrate the dream in this post because that could very much bring me down, but maybe in a future post. Maybe tomorrow.