broken pieces on the ground

it’s been a long, long time

but I feel your return

a shadow rising from my past

a dreadful defiler

 

you’ve poisoned my heart

into feeling worthless and empty

but I know that is wrong

I know that every life is priceless

and that this feeling too will pass

 

but the numbness feels inescapable

and I’m anxious every moment

triggered by my own inability

I’m lost and left behind

 

every attempt to break free

from this isle of desolation

seems futile from the start

and thoughts that never got to me

are echoing in my ears

 

my confidence has shattered

broken pieces on the ground

and I fear for the worst

I fear that they’ll never again be found

 

I feel stupid

weak

incapable of doing well

in the things I’ve always loved

and slowly

I’m suffocating

in thinking that

I’m just not good enough

 

I’m trying my best

to build myself back up

but damn is it hard

to look at the shining face of happiness

when it seems like something I don’t deserve

 

it’s going to be okay

like the hundreds of times before

it’s going to be okay

I’ll make it through this once more.

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123 – Trying not to compare myself with others.

I am surrounded by brilliant people.

And I suppose, I always have been.

I know it’s stupid to compare myself to other people, but I feel like it’s a natural tendency and it’s hard to stop doing it.

I look at my friends with better GPAs and likeable personalities

and see them struggling to get into medical school

and I can’t help but think

if they’re having trouble getting in, how could I possibility?

On one hand, they’re motivating me to try harder (though I’m unsure if this motivation is actually working).

On the other hand, it’s depressing (perhaps this is countering the motivation?).

It’s hard keep the thoughts out of my head:

I’m not good enough.

They are better than you.

But I know that thinking that way will only move me further from my goal.

So I mustn’t compare myself to anyone but myself.

I must shift the comparisons I’m making from out to within. I know I should be worrying about how I’m going to improve rather than thinking about how much there is improve.

I know I shouldn’t, but I still do.

I don’t do it often, but it sneaks its way into my head from time to time.

I think it’s just something I have to accept.

Maybe I just need to shift from “I’m not as good as them” to “They’re better so I can be better too”.

I think I can do that.

I know I can.

105 – I think I’m depressed (again?).

It’s like I’ve lost all motivation for school. I have a midterm tomorrow that I just can’t seem to study for.

I sleep too much (15 hours yesterday and 12 hours the day before).

I can’t focus. I forget what I’m about to do every few seconds.

I still have a slight cough and lately have been breaking out in hives from the cold (-20 degree weather is not treating me well, sigh). I haven’t had hives since an allergic reaction to eggs when I was like 8 years old. Like seriously? I feel like I’ve been sick forever.

I just want to feel well.

I just really want to go home. I hate this city and how it’s been destroying my immune system.

I feel like I have Seasonal Affective Disorder. But I know I don’t. This winter has really, really sucked for me, but I have felt depressed even when it’s not winter. And I never suffered from these awful physical symptoms back home. These awful physical symptoms that spiral and break my mentality.

I don’t have time to see a doctor/therapist this week, but I will find time soon, especially if my physical symptoms persist.

I can’t survive like this.

At this rate, I fear I won’t even be able to make it home. My grades are suffering too much. I think my Med School dreams are more or less dashed, so I’m thinking of doing a year of Grad School then applying again. At this rate though, no UBC grad school would accept me. Sigh.

My. body. needs. to. adapt.

A lot of international students that I’ve talked to tell me that they love Toronto. Why can’t I see what they see?

I don’t belong here. I think if anything, I’d rather live somewhere too warm than somewhere too cold.

I’ll keep trying to find my motivation, to find a little bit of brightness in my life to hold onto. I know I can do this. I just lack the willpower. But I’ll find it.

I’ll find it.

Because the alternative is too scary to think of.

101 – Recovering from a bad week.

It’s going to be okay.

I know that, but I can feel myself crashing.

I’m not sure those 12-hour Wednesdays were a great idea…but at least there’s only a couple of them left. I can get through this. Just have to be more prepared.

After just having recovered from a 5-day migraine (I didn’t even know they could last that long?), my period decides that it’s a great time to come along. It isn’t. It really isn’t. I don’t need 5 days of pain followed by more pain. Physical and emotional at that. I can’t really deal with all my feelings right now either.

Slept a lot over the weekend since I couldn’t really focus on anything with this awful migraine.

Been browsing the Nosleep subreddit. There are some really good horror stories. Just well written and captivating ones that have really led me to an appreciation for the genre as well as the subreddit. I used to read a lot when I was younger and mysteries/horror novels were a phase. I guess it’s come back to me.

Finished three midterms so far. They got sequentially worse. The first was alright. The second was tiring. The third was a straight up disaster. The third also happened to be the Chemistry one. As I continuous fall below my expectations in Chemistry courses, I’m beginning to doubt if I chose the right field of interest. Am I any good as a Chemist? Having doubts. Hopefully they’ll clear up as I study more.

I walked into that Chemistry midterm feeling ready.

I clearly wasn’t.

I thought I understood Molecular Orbital theory at a fundamental level. Enough to deal with diatomic molecules or molecules centred on one atom. Enough to do well on this mid-term.

Thinking about it now makes me realize that I probably failed that mid-term. A “legitimate” fail (<60).

I hope some kind of miracle happens.

We talked about Depression and Bipolar Disorder (Manic Depression) in our Abnormal Psychology class today. I didn’t learn anything that was completely new nor was it all that helpful towards my understanding of the mental disorders. But it wasn’t bad. We went over things slowly and thoroughly. I think so anyway.

Made me wonder if I really do have bipolar disorder. I know that if I do, it’s type II (hypomania & mostly depression). I know that it could also just be a matter of my hormones going up and down all the time (growth and menstruation). Time will tell. I know that I used to get depressed even before I hit adolescence. If it continues after I’ve matured a little more, then I’ll know. I don’t know if I should seek treatment.

Would treatment motivate me more? Would it make me happier to have a psychologist to talk to? Probably. For the most part, being able to write out my thoughts serves the same purpose. I don’t think I need therapy as much as I need support. I’d like friends that understand me. I also know that that requires me talking to more people and actively trying to make the effort to maintain my relationships. I’ve never had the motivation to do so. Never had the self-esteem in that regard – I don’t think I make a good friend.

Yes, I know. A change in attitude is in order.

It’ll come.

Hopefully.

I’ve also been quite homesick. The cold weather. Inches of snow. Static in my hair. Having to do everything on my own. It’s all been getting to me. Some days, all I feel like doing is giving up and staying in bed. It’s warm and safe in bed. But that would truly be a problem. That would be dysfunctional as my Abnormal Psych prof would put it. That’s abnormal. I would need help then.

Where has all my motivation gone?

I thought I had so much after writing my New Year’s Resolutions.

Maybe it’s just this horrid week.

Let’s make that attribution.

I don’t want to dwell on this.

I just want to get better.

I want to feel the hope rush back into me. I want to feel whole, I suppose as I definitely feel broken at the moment. I’m hoping that some relaxation this weekend will fix me up. I can’t relax too much as I do have another midterm coming up next week as well as some assignments. But I think I need to take the time and fix myself.

I’ve been struggling to find my smile in the midst of all this stress, gloom, pain, and fatigue. I know I will though. I know that there will be better days. I just wish that they would come quicker.

89 – I am really, really struggling.

Studying at university isn’t at all what I thought it’d be like. Professors aren’t always intellectually stimulating and sometimes they don’t particularly care for teaching as in the case of a certain Psychology course I am taking. There are those,  however, that try their best to be open to students and allow for learning that is both worthwhile and interesting. I am, more or less, caught between those extremes.

I am not doing well at all. I thought my first year was a disappointment, but I brushed it off as a negative consequence of having class sizes of over a thousand people…and for my constant state of illness. The latter, of course, was the reason I came to dislike living in Toronto. More so than last year, I’m finding classes to be difficult and that the amount of studying and effort I put into a class does not necessarily correlate to the grades I am receiving from the mid-terms. It’s challenging.

There are no words that can describe how frustrated I am at this Psychology course. A lecture should not be a rambling, of discussions in abstract ideas, of the various thoughts that go into your head as prompted by an image. A powerpoint should not be composed completely of diagrams and repeated slides and irrelevant points in no particular organized manner. That is not education. That is not how you should teach.

What you are doing is talking in a disoriented manner, giving a speech without proper preparation, guiding students on various tangents that don’t seem to make sense because your thoughts are not coherent and organized. It is taking away so much from the students. It takes away a sense of understanding, a sense of learning and fulfillment, and it gives the impression that you don’t care about us. There is problem when the course textbook fails to provide any depth or any additional information relative to your lectures – this begs the question of whether we have the appropriate textbook or if we have inappropriate lectures. I, and so many others, agree upon the latter. Cohesion and clarity are two elements essential in understanding, both of which this particular professor fails to provide.

I have less than a week to decide if I will remain in the course. I feel like I have suffered so much of it that I might as well continue suffering. But why is education under your standards suffrage?

I am struggling. Barely holding onto a ship that’s already been sunk. This past month has been making me doubt myself. Over and over. How am I supposed to get to where I want to be when those that are supposed to guide me are leading me into a thicket?

I am fortunate, however, to have understanding friends and family. I am not alone and I know that I will always be my harshest critic. Yes, I may be reprimanded for not doing well in school, and at this rate, I may never become a doctor, but nothing will compare to my own disappointment and anguish in myself. Because of that, I am trying my best to stay strong. Happiness is subjective. If I can hold onto that, then perhaps nothing will be able to bring me down.

I am going to hope that I improve. And I am going to work for it.

If I fail, I want to be able to stay that I tried my hardest – and that is something that no one can take away from me.

I am struggling. In school. With this course. With getting my life in balance (due to living alone and all). I am really, really struggling, but I won’t give up.

I know that if I can just hold onto my tiny shard of happiness, and enjoy the fulfillment of living life on my own terms (which is in itself a luxury of sorts), then it doesn’t really matter where I end up. I just have to be happy.

And I hope that you are too.

Music and I

Music is the toxin

I have yet to find the cure for

The plague within my heart

That grows on ever more

 

The black and white monster

Inflicting terror on my mind

Will never cease to haunt me

Will always trail behind

 

My tears have no effect

In this never ending war

The battles come from day to day

Knocking at my door

 

Some days I wander hopeless

Some days I want to stop

But I must not lose this struggle

I must fight until I drop

 

In the end I still believe

That every monster, every beast

Every little evil thing

Has a bit of love at least

 

A little bit of light that shines

Through the darkness, through the void

A charming smile to bring out hope

A wooing rhythm to be enjoyed

 

So music, now I must ask you, do you dare?

I see the goodness in you, fair and square.