151 – where my heart is.

It’s been a long time. I wanted to do a proper update with how I’ve been doing the past few months, but this past week has been tough. I feel this plethora of emotions weighing upon my heart.  I hope that by working through these thoughts, the heaviness will go with it.

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I found myself in tears last Thursday on the bus home from the hospital. I had just finished my elective in geriatric psychiatry and was feeling really inspired that this was something I’d be interested in doing for the rest of my life. But a sort of doubt or guilt was festering in my mind. 

On Tuesday, we talked about social inequality as a determinant of health. Many of my classmates shared their personal stories about how growing up in a socioeconomically disadvantaged community affected their views on life, education, health, and privilege. I did not share my own story then, but I thought about how lucky I was to have someone like my mom in my life. How fortunate I am to be where I am now.

My mom fought through more hardships than I could ever imagine. Her family immigrated to Hong Kong from a rural town in China, but they were penniless as they struggled to adapt to city. Even now, my grandmother and aunt live in an apartment the same size as my bedroom in Vancouver. Despite being a straight A student, my mom couldn’t afford to go to college, opting instead to work to support her family. In contrast, my father scraped through college with D’s across the board. Life isn’t fair.

Life certainly continued to be unfair as my mom worked 80 hours a week while caring for two children. Some nights I stayed up until 2 to 3am, worried if something might’ve happened to her. But she came home every time without fail (and very cross because her eight year old was still awake). Yet, I never really appreciated what she did for me while I was growing up. Even at times when she only had a couple hundred dollars in her bank account, she never let our poverty stop us from doing anything. Never, ever, ever was i left hungry. There was somehow always enough food in the house. I took lessons in swimming, skating, art, piano, violin, Chinese, and Japanese. Instead of denying me these opportunities, she worked more hours instead. Sometimes I wonder how I learned absolutely nothing about diligence from such an amazing human being.

In contrast, my father could not serve as a better example for what I didn’t want to be. While my mom worked herself to pieces, he cheated on her. Buying some unknown woman an apartment and being stupid enough to not put his name on it. I still don’t fucking understand.

We almost lost our house when I was in tenth grade. Since my father technically owns half the house, he wanted to sell it if my mom wanted a separation. Clearly, the money meant more to him than the livelihood of his children. I remember their heated arguments as I stood outside the door, devastated and confused. In the end, we still have the house and they are still together…on paper anyway. When I moved for university, he took over my bedroom, destroying many of my belongings. Although I’ve forgiven him for everything in the past, I still feel numb at the thought of him. But I digress, that doesn’t matter anyway.

I suppose what I fear the most is becoming like him. He is thousands of dollars in debt because of a gambling addiction. I look at myself and my own reckless decisions and can’t deny how much I am like him. I put myself in debt by moving across the country for university, a decision I still can’t justify was worth it. I look at my gaming addiction and I think about how gambling isn’t that far off. I feel like the more that I reflect upon my behaviors, the more I realize I am just as ungrateful and stupid as he was. And it scares me. I doubt my ability to change who I am. But I swear I’m trying.

What drove me to tears on Thursday was a consult with a patient who spent over 20 years looking after his parents, quitting his job as a pharmacy technician and giving up his dreams of going to medical school. His story moved me. Made me think about what really matters in life. It made me think that I really wanted to be home, spending time with my mom and letting her know how much I appreciate what she did for me. But home feels so far away.

I feel so lost. I need to find a way to channel these emotions into an effort to work harder, to motivate myself through these doubts. I feel worthless, when I should feel privileged. Depressed, when I should be stimulated. It’s funny how you feel more scared looking down from the top than on your way up the mountain.

I haven’t given up. I will find my way. Even though these feelings are hard, it feels better to have acknowledged my weakness instead of running away. I will be okay.

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100 – Life is beautiful.

I’ve finally hit 100.

It’s taken me a long time to get here.

For some people, 100 might not be a huge number of entries. For me, it’s a milestone to reflect on. I am not the same person I was when I wrote entry number 1.

I think the biggest change from then to now is how I handle my depression. I no longer self-pity, no longer wish I were someone else. I still have nightmares. I still cry too much. But it’s progress. It’s something. There is more hope than me than despair and I think that’s change enough. For me, blogging and video games are enough. For others, I know the fight isn’t always as easy. I’m rooting for all of you out there. Whether you’re balancing medication and therapy or if you’re simply trying to stand up in world that can be so very harsh, I’m rooting for you.

I’m going to continue to grow. I want to be independent. It’s been a real struggle considering how spoiled I grew up to be. But I’ll get there. Little steps.

Thank you to those who have been giving me encouragement over the past couple of years. Bobbie, Grandfathersky, Kathryn, Jade, Andy, Vela June, Amber, FiaMusey, Moony, Nicodemas, Wendell, Annika, Mercedes, Kweschn and anyone else that I may have missed. Every word of support means a lot more to me than you could imagine. So thank you.

Thank you also to those that I started out blogging with and show up from time to time to offer me support: Rachel, Shania, Kevin, and JV. I miss you guys as much I miss home in Vancouver. I can’t wait for the day I get to come back.

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In life, you are going to experience injustice, frustration, and moments when you feel like the whole world is against you. But don’t give up. I’ve learned the worst thing you can do when you’re feeling down and hopeless is to stop fighting back. For when you stop fighting back, even the weakest demons can engulf you.

So I’ll never give up.

And never lose hope.

‘Cause we all feel lost sometimes. Even the strongest of us. And it’s okay to be lost for how else would you find yourself otherwise? It takes a little bit of pain (or sometimes a lot) to really appreciate the happiness in front of us.

Right now, I’m in a comfortable place. I can love myself and love the people around me. I feel like happiness is within my reach. Even in those moments when depression slips back into my day to day life, I can feel happiness around the corner; and I know, I just know that no matter where life takes me, I’m going to be okay.

Life is beautiful.