walls of gray

broken down by my inadequacy

I don’t know how to face it anymore

they say nothing

but I feel it by exclusion

I no longer pretend to feel welcome

beyond those doors

though I struggle to accept

this hollow state of mind.

 

I keep on pushing through

just a few more months

one week at a time

but it’s really all too much

even my best efforts

to numb these currents down

are fruitless

I lie shattered

broken and weathered

unable to pick myself up

unable to hold on

to that sliver of hope

and so I find myself engulfed

entranced in inhibition

privy to these crushing thoughts.

 

I cannot see the horizon

beyond these walls of gray.

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142 – :(

Feeling really down right now. Seems like drowning in a state of depression is inevitable despite my desperate attempts at plugging the holes on this sinking ship.

I just feel really stupid. So damn irresponsible. And not good enough.

Turns out that the 4th year research course application deadline was three weeks ago. It’s something that I really wanted to do and was looking forward to doing. Didn’t hear about the deadline from emails or from classes, but that’s no excuse for being uninformed (I could’ve checked the website more regularly). Didn’t even know I had missed it until my friends were talking about it today.

Took me a good minute to process the fact that I had missed it. Shocked, really.

Then I did the only thing I could do – run to the undergraduate advisor and ask if there was any chance I could hand in a late application. Although he initially was going to say no, I think he felt bad for me and let me hand one in anyway.

The application was a single page and took literally a minute to fill out.

But I just didn’t know. And I hate myself for that.

I probably would’ve had a pretty decent chance at getting accepted into the course if I handed the application in on time. But now, I’m much more likely to be rejected if considered at all (Why would you want a student working in your lab that can’t even follow deadlines?)

I guess the odds are now kinda like my chances at getting into med school. Small, but possible.

There are probably other opportunities I could look for in the new school year.

But this was the easiest, most structured, and reliable option.

And I just fucked it up.

It just feels awful. And although I know I don’t have the time to be wallowing in my stupidity, I can’t stop myself.

I just can’t help feeling this way.

I suppose if there’s one good thing about this incident, it’s that it’s given me a taste of what missing a grad/med school application deadline would be like – something I definitely want to avoid in the coming months/year. There’s a 0% chance you’ll get in if you don’t even apply.

Sigh.

I signed up to retake my MCAT in light of these events – turns out registration opened Feb.10 (strangely early this year). I need to do well.

Going to try to put this unfortunate lapse of awareness behind me as I have two impending midterms this coming week.

But I don’t know.

All I really feel like doing right now is curling up in bed and crying.

I know it’s not the worst thing in the world that could happen and in hindsight it’ll probably be “no big deal”, but right now, I can feel its weight crashing down on me.

And it hurts.

And it’s triggering emotions that I haven’t felt in a long, long time.

And I really don’t want to go there.

104 – Happy CNY [Super Blog]

This is going to be a long one. In order to kind of organize it a bit, I’m going to putting tl;dr’s in bold BEFORE each topic. If you hate reading, just the bolded sentences will give you a good idea of what’s been happening in my life.

I’m also going to start putting real names, when applicable, into my blogs. I want to be able to look back years from now and remember the people who helped me out at this point in life. So only good things about good people. Bad people or people I dislike will continue to remain anonymous. It’s to signify a realization that other people are important in my life – my life doesn’t only revolve and consist of solely myself.

This blog is a little Throwback Thursday to my ninth grade, when I used to do super blogs for my Applied Skills class on this blog. Was reading it again a few days ago. The way I blogged drastically changed in tenth grade (when I started this WordPress). I wasn’t innocent back then. Never have been. But I sure as hell acted it. Annoyingly so. But I was trying in my own way to be happy with all those happy faces. I was trying in my own way by being so awfully vague and bored with life. So I’ll never wish I was different person then. Without the girl in that blog, I would not be who I am today and although I am not completely satisfied with who I am now, I’m happy with who I am.

Flashback aside, let’s start on a good note.

First and foremost, have a Happy Chinese/Lunar New Year my WordPress friends.

I think it’s about time I put in another doodle. As a continuation of my previous lunar new year doodle, have another one.

Untitled-1

Yes, yes, I know what you’re thinking: “Where did your years of art lessons go?” But nothing beats a good doodle. They make me happy. I doodle on my arms and notebooks to keep myself awake in class. They’ll always be a part of me. They give me courage when I’m feeling anxious. They make me smile when I’m feeling down. And hopefully, they’ll carry me through this awful semester of university.

I’m a little sad and lonely that I’m not at home celebrating New Years with my family and friends. Red envelopes. Good food. Lion dances and festivals. I miss the celebratory atmosphere. By the time I’m out of this city and back home, I might be too old to enjoy the holiday the same way. What a sad thought. But it’ll be okay. I’m sure I can find new ways to bring the same joy back.

The weather has been awful here, but Buta’s been helping with that.

Buta is my new pig-shaped humidifier. I got it from the One’s at Pacific Mall (a place that feels like an indoor night market). He’s my alarm clock’s best friend. And my hair’s too. It got really dry, windy, and cold this February. We had wind chills of -40 degrees Celsius. Not fun. And it makes my hair all staticky, dry, and annoying. Buta helps with that.

2015-02-19 15.04.19

Look how cute Buta is. Oink oink. ❤

Brings me back to the whole idea of Chinese New Year and the zodiac also. I was born in the Year of the Pig. Perhaps that was why I was naturally drawn to choosing the pig over the various other animal-shaped humidifiers (which were a bunny, panda, and goat).  I can relate to pigs. They’re lazy, stubborn, but they’re also intelligent and fast learners. They can be super friendly and independent at the same time. I think I have what it takes to be a good pig. Some of my friends that are the same age as me really fit the description as well. I wonder if the zodiac and being born in a certain year really does have an influence on your character. Probably not. If anything, it’d be the self-fulfilling prophecy (yay social psych!). Having knowledge that you’re like something can make a person act in a way to fulfill that. So for people influenced by the culture of Chinese New Year, may be more likely to have characteristics of the animal they were born in. Same thing happens with horoscopes. It’s a cool thought though. Just because I believed in it and have celebrated it, it’s influenced me (even if it’s just minuscule compared to all the other environmental factors). The mind works in mysterious ways…that are sometimes not that mysterious.

I learned how true failure feels like.

I know that it wasn’t my best test. I’m abysmally bad at tests under pressure. It wasn’t good, but I couldn’t believe my mark. 15% on a mid-term. It was pretty demoralizing. Makes me doubt my chemistry major. I thought I had understood Inorganic Chem. I clearly wasn’t able to demonstrate any understanding. To be fair, the class average was 37%. But I’m still severely below that average. Ugh. I’m going to have to try harder I guess. You win some, you lose some. In my case, I lose a ton since I was sick for so damn long. I swear this city is toxic towards my health.

2.5 more years. You can do this. Won’t make my Med School dreams. But I’ll keep trying until I do (even if it takes me a few extra years). Don’t. Give. Up.

I’m finally recovering from being sick. I can recover from these awful midterms too, right?

Axe-throwing is really, really fun.

Went axe-throwing with the CSU and it was a real stress-reliever after having heard about my awful midterm mark. It was kind of like archery or darts in which you have to hit a target and try to get the bullseyes,but completely different because axes are so much cooler. It was really difficult to get it to land properly (i.e. not have it bounce off when the handle hit the target instead of the blade), but was really rewarding once you got the hang of it. Such an interesting experience – definitely something I would try again. Then again, I’m really clumsy…so it may not be the best idea to put me with a sharp blade again and again. Meh. Even though I was still sick while doing it, I had a great time. Got to know the other CSU members (especially Tanya and Alex) a little better also. That was super rewarding.

Axe-throwing!

Overnight shifts kind of suck.

I worked my first overnight shift last Friday (at McDonalds). Due to the fact that I was still kind of sick, I slowly lost my voice throughout the long 8 hours (9pm – 5am). It was extremely hard to stop myself from coughing (I still have a slight cough even now), but I tried my best since I didn’t really want to get any customers sick. I have no idea why I accepted that shift, but I like to be accommodating, so I guess that’s why. I had another shift later that day, but I was too sick to really work anymore so I had someone replace me for that. It was Valentine’s Day anyway. I deserved a break.

There were a ton of drunk, rude people that came in between 2-3am. It was a really crazy mob. Makes sense considering there are lot of pubs in the area. Didn’t help that it was Valentine’s Day. Drunk people, sickness, and night shifts really don’t mix. Would not do again.

As for Valentine’ Day itself, I spent the majority of it resting in bed and eating (with the boyfriend, of course). Being sick sucks.

Friendship can be awkward and amazing at the same time.

Went out for AYCE sushi with Mohamed yesterday. He’s honestly been a really good friend to me this year, helping me with my CHM238 (Horrible Inorganic Chem course I’m failing) labs and giving me advice about PSY240 (Abnormal Psych). So it was a nice treat to go out and eat together (away from school). We were supposed to go out with a couple other of my Chemistry classmates/friends, but plans fall through sometimes. Kirsten was too busy with Chinese New Year plans (totally understandable) and Alina was sick with a fever (I really hope I didn’t give that to her, I’d feel terrible if that were the case). The flu seems inescapable as the other friend we asked was also sick.

The place we went to, Spring Sushi, was extremely ambient – it did not feel like the traditional sushi restaurant. It felt like a classy lounge had been changed to a sushi restaurant: the walls were painted with Japanese-esque images, but the rest of the place was classy and the lights were dimmed. The place was wonderful really. We ordered through these iPad-looking things and the service was quick. It was awkward in that the waiter may have thought we were on a date (I already have a boyfriend), offering to take our picture. We accepted the picture, of course. I haven’t taken pictures with anyone in a long while.

The food was really good. I think I shocked Mo with how much I could eat (yay bottomless stomach). That was also awkward. It felt really nice to just talk about things and people and enjoy the lovely view (of this horrible city). I don’t have very many friends here (if at all any). Haven’t really made any close ones yet. It’s really hard. This city is really big. And cold. And lonely. And I’m not particularly a big fan of clubbing events or parties. But it’s okay. I’m doing just fine. I have people that help me out at school. I have people that make me smile at an awful university that threatens to kill my GPA over and over again.

Until the day I find some friends in this heartless city, I have video games.

Bastion is a very well-made and enjoyable game.

Having fallen in love with a trailer of the game a few years back, I finally got around to playing it a few days ago. I was pleasantly surprised. The combat style felt like a mix of Lunia and Rune Factory. Can’t wait to finish it and move onto Transistor (which the trailer has also made me fall in love with).

There’s nothing more satisfying than a good indie game with a solid story, beautiful drawings, and good mechanics. I love being absorbed in a world more mystifying than my own.

bastion_1_0

Then again, I get easily lost in this world as well.

Life is hard.

But it sure is beautiful.

Even the worst moments will pass.

I’m finding my smile again.

Happy Chinese New Year’s, everyone.

89 – I am really, really struggling.

Studying at university isn’t at all what I thought it’d be like. Professors aren’t always intellectually stimulating and sometimes they don’t particularly care for teaching as in the case of a certain Psychology course I am taking. There are those,  however, that try their best to be open to students and allow for learning that is both worthwhile and interesting. I am, more or less, caught between those extremes.

I am not doing well at all. I thought my first year was a disappointment, but I brushed it off as a negative consequence of having class sizes of over a thousand people…and for my constant state of illness. The latter, of course, was the reason I came to dislike living in Toronto. More so than last year, I’m finding classes to be difficult and that the amount of studying and effort I put into a class does not necessarily correlate to the grades I am receiving from the mid-terms. It’s challenging.

There are no words that can describe how frustrated I am at this Psychology course. A lecture should not be a rambling, of discussions in abstract ideas, of the various thoughts that go into your head as prompted by an image. A powerpoint should not be composed completely of diagrams and repeated slides and irrelevant points in no particular organized manner. That is not education. That is not how you should teach.

What you are doing is talking in a disoriented manner, giving a speech without proper preparation, guiding students on various tangents that don’t seem to make sense because your thoughts are not coherent and organized. It is taking away so much from the students. It takes away a sense of understanding, a sense of learning and fulfillment, and it gives the impression that you don’t care about us. There is problem when the course textbook fails to provide any depth or any additional information relative to your lectures – this begs the question of whether we have the appropriate textbook or if we have inappropriate lectures. I, and so many others, agree upon the latter. Cohesion and clarity are two elements essential in understanding, both of which this particular professor fails to provide.

I have less than a week to decide if I will remain in the course. I feel like I have suffered so much of it that I might as well continue suffering. But why is education under your standards suffrage?

I am struggling. Barely holding onto a ship that’s already been sunk. This past month has been making me doubt myself. Over and over. How am I supposed to get to where I want to be when those that are supposed to guide me are leading me into a thicket?

I am fortunate, however, to have understanding friends and family. I am not alone and I know that I will always be my harshest critic. Yes, I may be reprimanded for not doing well in school, and at this rate, I may never become a doctor, but nothing will compare to my own disappointment and anguish in myself. Because of that, I am trying my best to stay strong. Happiness is subjective. If I can hold onto that, then perhaps nothing will be able to bring me down.

I am going to hope that I improve. And I am going to work for it.

If I fail, I want to be able to stay that I tried my hardest – and that is something that no one can take away from me.

I am struggling. In school. With this course. With getting my life in balance (due to living alone and all). I am really, really struggling, but I won’t give up.

I know that if I can just hold onto my tiny shard of happiness, and enjoy the fulfillment of living life on my own terms (which is in itself a luxury of sorts), then it doesn’t really matter where I end up. I just have to be happy.

And I hope that you are too.

84

I failed it again.

I don’t want to think about it anymore.

I’m a bad driver, but the examiner was really stingy so I don’t think I could’ve done any better.

Also my family’s really messed up (as I’m sure are other families, probably due to Chinese culture). It just hit me that if you come home crying, there’s no one to cry to. In my family, you consider crying annoying and leave that person alone until they’re done with their tantrum. There are very little displays of love in my household. But I’m sure I’m not alone. There are many, many broken families out there. Why can’t we just love?

Maybe that’s why I’m so obsessed with love. Because it’s been missing from me my entire life.

Because I’m so often unloved, I choose to love instead.

Ugh. I’m just going to go and play some video games. Take my mind off the sadness. And when this terrible headache (that came with the crying) goes away, I’ll look forward to the future with a bright smile on my face. It hurts now. But pain, along with sadness, is only temporary.

I need some ice cream.

78 – I will thrive someday.

Had a really hard time yesterday.

I failed my driving learner’s test. I really didn’t want to. Didn’t mean to. And I knew I was ready. But sometimes you can’t account for nerves, can’t account for emotions, and sometimes those things can get the best of you. I broke down, of course. Because failure isn’t something anyone likes. It’s stressful. I wanted it done this year. Before I have to go back to Toronto again. There’s been a whole ton of money invested into driving lessons and I feel I let that all slip away from me. So I was devastated. This failure combined with all the stress of not knowing where I should go, being rejected on so many fronts from UBC (they insist on making me a year behind), and having my self esteem wrecked at work. It was really too much. It was worse than failing my ARCT exam. By a margin of miles.

But I pulled it together. There are so many beautiful things in life that I have yet to discover. So many little things that make me smile everyday. And life’s too short to waste it constantly on tears. So I pulled it together. Took a nice warm shower and settled down to find things that make me happy.

And I was happy again. For a little while.

Then my mom came home.

I’m going to give her the benefit of the doubt and say she just had a bad day, but I know it’s not true. Especially not after the hurtful reasoning she threw at me. She yelled at me for not trying hard enough. Not practicing enough. Procrastinating on it until the last minute. She said it was the same way with piano. The way I wouldn’t practice. And the way I failed. And that hurt. I had related the two exams by the feelings of failure and disappointment in myself I felt, by the mental breakdowns I had. But she related it to my horrible work ethics, to my inability.

And I was too battered by my earlier breakdown – I was barely keeping myself together at that point – to fight back.

But she’s wrong.

I failed my test due to my nerves, due to my getting flustered after one mistake. And there’s really no way to prepare for that. All I can do is try again. And it’s not likely to be this summer with all the appointments booked. And frankly, after having all my tenacity wasted on UBC, I don’t have the willpower to call everyday and check if they have an appointment open (because every time they say they don’t, it’s another disappointment in my face).

It was the same way with piano. My nerves always got the best of me. I would mess up entire songs at piano recitals, do horribly in piano competitions because I couldn’t get my fingers to stop shaking or be too stiff.  I agree that I should’ve practiced more in terms of piano. But I also believe I should’ve stopped playing a long, long time ago. I enjoy playing what I want. Not classical music that showcases my nonexistent technique. I want to be playing for my sake, for making others happier, not to impress some examiner. And thus, I could never be motivated to take the exam again.

I’m not good in situations where I’m openly judged. But I’ll try again with driving. But I won’t with piano. And it’s wrong. To think that practicing more will get rid of all my mistakes, all of my nervousness. I’m sure there are classes to  help relieve nerves. To make someone feel better about interviews, public speaking, performances. And I’m sure I could use those. But I’m also happy knowing that I’m not charismatic, I’m not a natural performer. And you can’t bash me for that.

I was at a cavernous low yesterday. It’s been a long, long time since I’ve even had the thought of suicide. And it came to me yesterday. Like a ghost. In the clutches of a pill case with forty-ish pills of naproxen. I’m sure I could overdose if I took all of them at once even if they’re two years old. Or at least feel nothing for a long time. But I would never.

Suicide requires a crap ton of bravery which I don’t have.

Not to mention a huge load of stupidity.

It’s never a good idea to kill yourself. That’s why I’ve always shook my head at the idea of Romeo and Juliet. The future is full of choices to make. You can bring yourself anywhere. Move beyond anything. And there’s no reason to stop and give up just because you’re at a low point in life. Just smile. There’s probably a high point just waiting around the corner.

I got my boyfriend to talk me down from my frantic hyperventilation. To calm my sobs into a sluggish sleepy slate. And after a good night’s rest, I feel better. My mom acts like she wasn’t the one who inflicted all this horrible pain upon me last night. And whatever. We’ll leave it at that.

I’m done with blaming others. Everything you feel can be controlled by you. And I can choose next time not to be hurt. (Though I probably will. Work in progress..?)

I’m happy again.

I have a million problems to worry about, to try and find solutions to.

But it’s okay.

I’m happy again.

Fear

I had three minutes left to complete the level. Three. Whole. Minutes. But I couldn’t do it. It wasn’t that it was a particularly difficult level. I’ve done similar puzzles before. All it takes is a systematic process.  A little bit of thinking, a little of doing. Think, do; think do. But I let the timer go down without taking a single move. I was afraid.

Of failure?

Oh no, not of failure. There was no way I would’ve gotten it wrong if I tried. At least I don’t think so. I’m generally the only one among the group who’s good at things like this and everyone trusted me to get it done. I had never let them down before. I don’t think this level would’ve been any different.

So why did you? Let them down, that is.

They were yelling. I was afraid. No, not afraid of disappointing them if that’s the reason you’re giving me the look. Like I told you, I had never let them down before and I knew I had the intelligence to complete the puzzle. I wasn’t even feeling pressured.

What then? What were you afraid of?

Closure. Ending. Victory, I guess, in a sense. Something in my gut told me that that was really the last level; the system would tell us again and again that it was the last level, but it was always a lie. The others were growing weary, tired of doing the levels, skeptical that they were ever going to escape. But not L and I. We kept going. He did the physical trials while I did the mental ones. We were the perfect duo.

So you were afraid of losing L? Is that why closure scares you?

Oh no. We would be friends even when it was all over. He wouldn’t betray me. Not like the others. I could sense it in their eyes – the bitterness, the hate. They didn’t want me around anymore. But within the game, they couldn’t get rid of me. They needed me.

Why the hate?

They knew what I really was. Who I really am.

And who is that? Wait, where are you goi-

I am who I am.