to die or to vivify

a soft flame flickers

on the boundary

between glorious hope

and absolute darkness

 

the faithful come

to pay their respects

they whisper a prayer

underneath their breaths

and disappear into the shadows

 

a storm stirs in the distance

and so we must wonder

if such a fragile illumination

will be able to bear

the onslaught

of the tempest.

daybreak

Everybody makes mistakes. Forgive yourself.

—-

anguish

the dark behemoth that triumphs over

this murky mountainous mess

composed of all your wrong decisions.

 

you look behind you

but you can longer see the path

that led you here today

you can only move forward.

 

he bares his crimsom fangs

soaked in the blood of your past forsaken dreams

but there is no time to mourn

as he approaches

ready to strike again.

 

you whisper a soft prayer

but know that no one will come to your aid

and so you prepare for the impact

with your arms wide and legs rooted

you wait for his charge

straight into your embrace.

 

fighting was never the answer

and so you chose to forgive

you hold firm

as he sobs meekly in your arms

as you both grieve

for everything that could’ve been

should’ve been

and never will be.

 

as dawn approaches

he fades away

nothing more but a shadow once again

and before you

lies a boulevard that infinitely diverges

and no matter what you decide is the right direction

you know that hope will light the way.

156 – The same monster with a different name.

I am feeling a lot better today in comparison to that awful morning. I realized that my writing down only negative feelings was not giving an accurate representation of the whole spectrum of my experiences. For my own sake, I’d like to reflect on the after, on how I move through my depression (and now my anxiety). Continue reading “156 – The same monster with a different name.”

155 – I’m terrified.

Just woke up from a nightmare and had my very first anxiety attack. I couldn’t stop crying. I couldn’t stop hyperventilating. And I couldn’t stop these intrusive, debilitating thoughts from re-entering my head.

I tried to close my eyes and will myself to go back to sleep, but the nightmare just got more and more vivid. I felt worse and worse until it spiralled out of control.

I’m still in shock this just happened. It wasn’t even real. These feelings are completely out of proportion. And I’m scared. I don’t know how to stop this from happening again. I feel it’s going to come back any second. And I don’t know how to manage it.

Just when I thought I was safe again, a new monster appears. I surrender. Please leave me alone.

154 – Sometimes you forget who you are.

It’s easy to get lost in a crowded space, when you feel that there isn’t any room for the things that you love and the things that you care about. You listen in to the murmurs around you, trying to get a sense of what’s going on, trying to find a way into the conversation. No worthy thoughts come into your mind. And who would want to hear your unworthy ones? You never thought of your self esteem as something fragile until you entered this space. Now you fear that one mistake might be all that it takes. You smile, laugh, and latch upon some sense of acceptability. But this won’t be enough. You know this.

And so you walk between the lines, searching for something that you didn’t even know you were looking for. You pretend to have found it, and exclaim a false sense of epiphany. But it’s like the others can see right through you and no one pays you any mind. You become quiet, hoping by some contradictory possibility that you are more visible when you don’t speak at all. Of course, it doesn’t work. Why should it?

You feel ashamed for wanting something more. Be thankful for what you have, you whisper under your breath. After all, it could always be worse. This is so minuscule of a problem that it’s barely a problem at all. Yet you remain fixated on this urge, this craving to be heard. You know so very well that this isn’t the right path for you to go down. You don’t have to find your place in this crowd. Because this probably isn’t where you belong.

You belong here. This is your space. I promise you things will be okay. Here, you are free. Here, no thoughts are unworthy of being said. Everything matters. Or doesn’t have to. You have the right to choose. You can stay for as long as you want. Until you find out what it was you were looking for. Until you want to leave again. Here is safety. Here is comfort. Here is exactly what you needed.

until nothing remains

I built you up to be a giant

grand and gentle, fair and free

but really

you’re not so different from me

human, flawed, and fragile

tears are flooding through the cracks

and so we shatter

oh, how we shatter.

 

I pick up the pieces

and clutch them in my arms

they’re sharp and they sting

and I bleed from within

but I fear that they are all I have left

they are all I have left.

 

I’m sorry to have lived in fantasy

clueless and forlorn in melancholy

this isn’t who I was meant to be

but who I was I can no longer see.

 

drifting further on endless night

there is no comfort in this sleight

let me fade away into the dark

and leave me until I’m torn apart.

153 – to a hopeful new me: some resolutions.

It’s way past the new year, but I guess it’s never too late to make some goals for the year. I felt a little guilty that I missed last year so I figured it would be even more awful if I missed this year as well. I’m gosh darn awful at completing my new year’s resolutions, but it’s nice to look back to see where I wanted to be and how far I still need to go.

Here’s a little reflection on 2016’s resolutions (hella late, I know).

  • I ended up going to Canada’s Wonderland as a pre-graduation thing; that was a lot of fun – bunch of places I still have yet to go in Toronto, but hopefully I’ll have time to go sometime while I’m still in Ontario
  • I got real close to Masters in LoL in 2016…(decayed out of my promotion games) – not sure that this year will be the year, but maybe?
  • 10 posts/month was the goal…who am I kidding?
  • I did enjoy learning again! In some courses. Obviously not in the one that made me miserable.
  • I didn’t have a super productive summer in 2016, but I did do well on my MCAT retake so that was kind of worth it.
  • & lastly, I got into med school. So it seems that I’m not a total failure at keeping resolutions.

Alright. So, 2018, what have we got in store for you?

  1. Learn enough Korean to survive your exchange in July. [I really hope this works out…]
  2. 5 posts/month. This is totally reasonable. Please. [As an aside, I’d love to do some clinically-related writing…it’d be interesting to blog about my experiences]
  3. Pass all my exams in pre-clerkship.
  4. Find a reviewing system that works for me. [Most likely cheatsheets. Maybe flashcards? Oh, and a question bank.]
  5. Learn to knit something new. [& maybe crochet??]
  6. Go back and visit friends a few times.
  7. Write and actually send a letter to my mom [Instead of throwing it in the recycling, never to be seen again. Why am I like this?]
  8. Become a healthier person [This is terribly vague, but essentially just nutrition, exercise, skincare, & mental health. Maybe make-up from S Korea so I can be prettier? That’d be nice for my self esteem…]

This list seems achievable, so I’ll leave it at that before I start to add things that might not be so simple to achieve. I finally feel ready for you now, 2018. It’s about time. 🙂