I entered this fourth year thinking it would be the easiest and most relaxing year of my university life. Oh, I’ve never been more wrong in my life.
I’m drowning in a sea of stress and disappointment and it’s taking all I have to stay afloat. At the same time, I am beginning to become more and more numb to failure and disappointments as everything I attempt to do in my research project just seems to go wrong. And although I understand that is the nature of scientific research, I also know that most of what’s going wrong is due to my lack of experience and skill in the area (i.e. I’m messing up somehow).
Alas, I have discovered that I am an awful chemist and should probably not pursue graduate studies in this area. If med schools choose to reject me this year, I’ll probably take a year to reassess, take my GRE, and consider cognitive science (my new found love – I wish I had known about this in first year) for my future.
The end of term is nearing, but there’s still so much to be done that I can’t really afford to slack off now. I’m mostly writing this so I can organize my thoughts and approach the rest of the month in as organized of a way as possible.
I dropped one of my courses last week so I’m only doing three courses in addition to my year long research project.
Assessments left to do: one PSY essay, one PSY midterm, one CHM essay, and a handful of CSC assignments. Manageable.
Also have to do my mid-term presentation and status update for the research project – it’s coming up soon and I have nothing to show for all the hours I have put into the lab. Except maybe impure NMRs and a multitude of problems….This will not be fun.
Brain Day: in-class announcements, bookmarks, trivia night, meetings.
CSU: pub night, academic seminar, first-year help session.
music lab: hand in my hours form, train the new RA so I can’t stop being overcommitted to things (even though I really like the new project…ugh)
sprql: ensure the next lab sessions go smoothly
volunteering: xmas events, change weekly timeslot for next semester
exercise? life? TBD….
Now that I’ve listed everything out – it doesn’t seem so bad. It’s definitely manageable. I just need to find my focus somehow. I meant to go to an academic motivation seminar last week, but totally forgot about it. I think I really could’ve used the reset on my mindset.
So instead, I now have to try to find it within myself to finish everything. I suppose motivation, in the end, has to come from me. Somewhere inside of me is the strength to get me through all of this. I can do this.
Hopefully my next update is not a list of things to do, but a list of things to be thankful and happy about. I’m yearning for the day that I feel glad that this is all over and done with. I’m sure it’ll come sooner than I think it will, but for now, it feels like an eternity away.
But it will come.
Someday, it will come and it will set me free.