142 – :(

Feeling really down right now. Seems like drowning in a state of depression is inevitable despite my desperate attempts at plugging the holes on this sinking ship.

I just feel really stupid. So damn irresponsible. And not good enough.

Turns out that the 4th year research course application deadline was three weeks ago. It’s something that I really wanted to do and was looking forward to doing. Didn’t hear about the deadline from emails or from classes, but that’s no excuse for being uninformed (I could’ve checked the website more regularly). Didn’t even know I had missed it until my friends were talking about it today.

Took me a good minute to process the fact that I had missed it. Shocked, really.

Then I did the only thing I could do – run to the undergraduate advisor and ask if there was any chance I could hand in a late application. Although he initially was going to say no, I think he felt bad for me and let me hand one in anyway.

The application was a single page and took literally a minute to fill out.

But I just didn’t know. And I hate myself for that.

I probably would’ve had a pretty decent chance at getting accepted into the course if I handed the application in on time. But now, I’m much more likely to be rejected if considered at all (Why would you want a student working in your lab that can’t even follow deadlines?)

I guess the odds are now kinda like my chances at getting into med school. Small, but possible.

There are probably other opportunities I could look for in the new school year.

But this was the easiest, most structured, and reliable option.

And I just fucked it up.

It just feels awful. And although I know I don’t have the time to be wallowing in my stupidity, I can’t stop myself.

I just can’t help feeling this way.

I suppose if there’s one good thing about this incident, it’s that it’s given me a taste of what missing a grad/med school application deadline would be like – something I definitely want to avoid in the coming months/year. There’s a 0% chance you’ll get in if you don’t even apply.

Sigh.

I signed up to retake my MCAT in light of these events – turns out registration opened Feb.10 (strangely early this year). I need to do well.

Going to try to put this unfortunate lapse of awareness behind me as I have two impending midterms this coming week.

But I don’t know.

All I really feel like doing right now is curling up in bed and crying.

I know it’s not the worst thing in the world that could happen and in hindsight it’ll probably be “no big deal”, but right now, I can feel its weight crashing down on me.

And it hurts.

And it’s triggering emotions that I haven’t felt in a long, long time.

And I really don’t want to go there.

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8 thoughts on “142 – :(

  1. Learning your triggers is a good way to avoid them. I’m not one to talk about that stuff since I’m also still learning how to “plug the holes”, but one of the things I learned was knowing what triggers my depression. It has helped me avoid the topics or rise from them. I hope this helps in some way.

    Keep strong! You’re a wonderful person and a hard worker. 🙂

  2. Chin up! We all goof occasionally in some incredible way. This was yours. Just do better the next time. And, every time you think about it, admit that you goofed, chunk the thoughts in the trash, and immediately switch to other thoughts. Start deliberately thinking about something else. In fact, you need to talk to yourself in positive ways at time (we all do). You’re talking to yourself in negative ways. Change that. You’re not stupid at all if you’re even close to being a candidate to med school, which you are.

  3. I’m sorry you’re hurting. I like to believe everything happens for a reason or because of it. Maybe this mishap will make it so that you notice some other thing you would have otherwise missed not realizing how easily it can pass by. Because now you know.

    It’s ok to cry for something lost or missed. As long as we do it for a bit. You do what you need to move on and remember that this could be the one time that saved countless others.

    Love ya Blue and I’m sure you will go great on the MCAT’s
    🙂

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