129 – feeling close to breaking down

Trying my best to hold onto the good moments, but it’s getting harder and harder to feel okay. 

My experiments have been put on hold until the technicians come by to check on the machine and the LC valve is repaired. Found out that the dansylation was somehow decreasing the detection of the hormones – AD in particular. Sigh.

Getting worried that this project won’t be completed in time. Then I’ll have nothing to show for the summer or for the poster presentation I have to do. Considering taking a new project.  But I don’t know what I’m capable of.

I’m behind on my MCAT studying.  No surprise there.  But I know I can pull through if there wasn’t so much else on my mind. Need to get through Bio this weekend. Should be stuff I already know.

My period’s here. Late again (was also last month). And my abdomen is bloated everytime prior (which makes me freak out about the fact that I’m getting fat). It may be an ovarian cyst (but not necessarily, since google diagnoses are not very accurate). Which means I should get it checked out. *Reminder to make an appointment for next week.* Wonder if it’s stress induced.
This city is poison.

And of course to make matters worse, there are bed bugs in my room.  Woke up yesterday morning to a whole line of bite marks on my arm. They don’t hurt or itch,  but they’re very noticeable.
So that means I have to spend this weekend cleaning (on top of considering an exterminator). And it’ll probably take me longer than the average person as I am deathly and irrationally terrified of bugs to the point that i just freeze in fear for a good five minutes when I see them scurrying around (literally the way I handed the ant situation last summer back home…in addition to freaking out and calling my mom home from work). It goes without saying that this alone is enough to drive me into a weeping mess. But I’m trying not to let it consume me. Will be sleeping over at my boyfriend’s until it’s safe.

Got a birthday party to attend tomorrow (drinking probably implied).  That plus the cleaning plus my 10hrs of work means my weekend is fairly obliterated.  How I will find the time to study is beyond me. An all-nighter seems inevitable.

Lastly, feeling incredibly homesick.
I don’t think any number of years living here will make me call Toronto home.
So I wish for the strength I need to get me home.

It feels like there are a million things weighing on my mind. It’s crushing. Making it hard to hold on to brighter things (food, friends, love, and gaming).
Which is such a shame. Since I’ve been focusing so hard on happiness and been feeling so lighthearted. So much that I haven’t paid much notice to my depression.
But sometimes all it takes is a trigger to bring it all crashing.
Just one little thing. Or in this case, a million.

One thought on “129 – feeling close to breaking down

  1. This is me sending you a very warm embracing hug! Hang in there, Things will get better. Also, yes pls make that appointment asap, that’s the most important.

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