124 – a crack in my identity

I have work in three hours and I know I should be sleeping but if I don’t get these thoughts out of my head now, they’ll haunt me for the rest of the day.
Besides, sleeping with tears in my eyes leads to very puffy eyes.

It was a very simple trigger.
A friend calling (or rather labelling) me a tsundere.
It left me speechless. Suffocated, though I tried my best to ignore it.

It’s not that the label is inaccurate or hurtful. I am who I am. And I do tend to be mean to the people I love the most.

But being like that can be very scary. Some people just don’t get it and just think you’re a mean person. And no one likes a mean person. So I find myself only being that way online (because I don’t care if people I’ll probably never meet judge me) and with people I trust a lot.

Ceci and Tiff have always accepted that that’s the way I am. And I’m grateful for that. They know I love them even if I don’t show it very well. And that means a lot more to me than I thought it did.

I think Elisa was the first to label me as one.  Teased me for it.  But in that way,  accepting me for the person I was. And I loved that. I really did.

Since moving here, I haven’t found any friends I feel comfortable being that way with.  Instead, I try to be nice,  supportive, and enthusiastic. I try really hard to be someone I’m not. Or maybe that is who I really am. Or maybe I can be both, depending on who I’m with.
Either way,  I’m left with a crack in my identity – I don’t know who I should be.

There’s something satisfying and moving about being accepted for who I am.
At the same time, I feel like I’m better off not being that way.
Because I can be nice.
I make more friends that way.
I can be straightforward with my feelings.
And I can be happy just like that.

But it’s hard.
Because I think I’m happier when I can act that way around someone.

So all of this makes me unhappy.

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4 thoughts on “124 – a crack in my identity

  1. TRUE…like you I don’t intend to be rude but it is more like a defense mechanism that I imply … also I am just being sarcastic and sometime people take it the wrong way

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