106 – In need of a change.

I’ve only had about two hours of sleep so my cognitive abilities are quite low as I am writing this. I’m not even sure how I finished a whole essay out last night (it’s complete BS so I feel sorry for the TA who has to mark it…except the TAs are on strike so who knows when that will be marked). I could’ve had a full night of sleep yesterday. Poor time management. Leaving my assignments to the last moment. It’s true that this is the case, but I just felt a lack of motivation to do anything to prevent it.

I just haven’t had very much motivation lately. I can barely lift open the cover of a textbook before I get this hopeless feeling and have to put it down. I’ve been having too much sleep lately (other than last night). 12 hours is not healthy. I find it hard to get out of bed. Winters here are really harsh on me. I just can’t find my spark.

Been playing a ridiculous amount of Town of Salem lately. The people there aren’t always the brightest, but there’s this satisfaction when you’ve figured out the whole town out and you know you’re going to win. I’ve always been a fan of mysteries, curiousity being one of my greatest weaknesses. I don’t seem to be lacking in cognitive motivation in that regard, I suppose.

Breezed through my chem lab today (the least stressful of them all) and am currently enjoying a maple fog latte that I thought was well-deserved for getting through my two chemistry classes awake (I’m lying, I always treat myself to coffee shop drinks regardless of whether I have an occasion or not. My poor wallet, I know.)

For the next week, I think I’ll be as nice as possible to myself. Maybe if I make myself happy consistently, motivation will come along with it. Hah. It’s the spoiled girl in me talking. But I’ll give it a try.

I got my first choice of supervisor for NSERC. I’m happy about that. The professor in charge of the group seems like a really nice guy and the graduate students all seemed very friendly when I attended their seminar session. I hope I’ll learn a lot and be able to enjoy my summer a bit. Not so happy about the fact that it’ll be 16 weeks I’ll be stuck here. I think I’ll be able to go home for the last 2 weeks before school though. That’d be nice.

I guess all the people I talked to through NSERC count towards my “emailing a faculty member and meeting up” resolution. So let’s just check that one off for now. Hopefully, I’ll be doing a lot more of that.

I am disappointed in myself for missing an ultimate game last Saturday. To be fair, I had a late Friday night and slept over at my boyfriend’s place so the trip to school didn’t seem quite appealing. Plus it was cold. Always blame the cold. At least I’ve gone to every other game so far. So that resolution isn’t completely butchered.

I’m not so concerned about making friends anymore. I think that if I just focus on myself and be kind and open to the people around me, I’ll naturally find people that I can talk to and connect with. Met a really lovely new friend when I was meeting up to talk with Dr. Nitz (who is an amazing professor from what I’ve heard and from my own personal meeting with him). We talked for so long (about chemistry) that I was late for work last Thursday. Opps. No regrets. Anyway, gonna cross that resolution off the list.

I’m going to keep trying to make a change in my life. I feel like as of university, the goal has always shifted every semester from “doing well” to “surviving”. I keep telling myself I’ll get back on my feet after I survive the next midterm. Before I know it, I’ve been “surviving” the whole semester. I want to thrive. I want to do well. And that isn’t going to change if I don’t make some serious changes within myself. Maybe I need to approach a new line of motivation. Give myself little rewards for every hour that I study. That sort of thing. I’ll try some things out this weekend maybe.

Got a three hour abnormal psych class now. As much as I love the material and how the prof is quite the character (in a good way, of course), I’m not sure I can survive with my 2 hours of sleep. Ugh. Stayawakestayawakestayawake.

Alright. More updates later. I don’t think I hit 10 blog posts a month for Feb. I’ll do more updates this month.

I can do this.


9 thoughts on “106 – In need of a change.

    • Yup. I did it to myself. Can’t get out of this endless loop of procrastination though. Trying to.
      I’ve made friends, just not close ones. I think I’m sort of content with that though. Not gonna tryhard in this regard. (:
      I’m sure you’ve gotten to know a couple of classmates/acquaintances even if you’re not that close with them (and perhaps even if you don’t like them…?). I don’t think it’s hard to make friends, I think it’s hard to further friendships into something solid (takes effort from both sides to continuously communicate).

  1. One of my favorite quotes – ‘if nothing changes, nothing changes’. I’m the worst at thinking of all the things I need to do, and doing nothing different. But I (like you) have found that I can make little changes. But also, I can allow myself the joy of not making any if I don’t want to. I can forgive myself for not turning the world on it’s head……pick up a coffee, take a seat and smile. Whew! I’m sure the world is relieved at all I didn’t get around to.

    The point is to find whatever place it is that you’re content, that you’re happy whether you’re doing everything or nothing. Move the bed closer to the window and change your shade of gloss. Take a long hot bath and celebrate the unique amazing gift that is YOU! ❤

    • Thanks Bobbie.
      I like to celebrate life (rather than myself), because it really is a beautiful thing to be alive and healthy and surrounded by beautiful things.
      I think I took a few steps backwards this weekend rather than forward. But I’ll keep trying. ❤

  2. This is me cheering you for a great choice of drink as you type this, You just can’t beat a good latte, especially maple! on the note of looking after yourself more? I am in absolute agreement with you, It’s time to focus on what you need, first and foremost. 🙂

  3. Pingback: 2015 New Year’s Resolutions | Stronghold

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