105 – I think I’m depressed (again?).

It’s like I’ve lost all motivation for school. I have a midterm tomorrow that I just can’t seem to study for.

I sleep too much (15 hours yesterday and 12 hours the day before).

I can’t focus. I forget what I’m about to do every few seconds.

I still have a slight cough and lately have been breaking out in hives from the cold (-20 degree weather is not treating me well, sigh). I haven’t had hives since an allergic reaction to eggs when I was like 8 years old. Like seriously? I feel like I’ve been sick forever.

I just want to feel well.

I just really want to go home. I hate this city and how it’s been destroying my immune system.

I feel like I have Seasonal Affective Disorder. But I know I don’t. This winter has really, really sucked for me, but I have felt depressed even when it’s not winter. And I never suffered from these awful physical symptoms back home. These awful physical symptoms that spiral and break my mentality.

I don’t have time to see a doctor/therapist this week, but I will find time soon, especially if my physical symptoms persist.

I can’t survive like this.

At this rate, I fear I won’t even be able to make it home. My grades are suffering too much. I think my Med School dreams are more or less dashed, so I’m thinking of doing a year of Grad School then applying again. At this rate though, no UBC grad school would accept me. Sigh.

My. body. needs. to. adapt.

A lot of international students that I’ve talked to tell me that they love Toronto. Why can’t I see what they see?

I don’t belong here. I think if anything, I’d rather live somewhere too warm than somewhere too cold.

I’ll keep trying to find my motivation, to find a little bit of brightness in my life to hold onto. I know I can do this. I just lack the willpower. But I’ll find it.

I’ll find it.

Because the alternative is too scary to think of.

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16 thoughts on “105 – I think I’m depressed (again?).

  1. I’m going to leave my email first since this is long and I don’t know if comment boxes will allow all of it. You may contact me by email anytime you want to or need to: dlange532@yahoo.com

    I’ve got a prescription for your maladies that I hope you’ll take. University is tough and a lot of work, but there’s no reason you can’t enjoy your life at the same time. It will take work, though.
    1. You’re in a bit of a hole with grades and health and Toronto, etc. Focus on solutions. You’ve done that a bit with considering a change of direction away from med school and you seem to be somewhat accepting that. Those are healthy steps. So is your thought of transferring somewhere else. Seeking solutions is always healthy. It may be that the best thing is to transfer even if you have to repeat much of a year. This is only one small segment of your life. Even if it takes an extra year, it might be worthwhile.
    2. My guess is that you need to exercise a bit. ?? Find a place that’s warm where you can walk or a place where you can get at least some mild exercise. One cure for depression is DOING and exercise can be part of that. Working on solutions is another part of DOING.
    3. See if you can schedule your life a little better. Having a schedule will help take care of your sleep issues and perhaps your study issues as well. If you’re scheduled to study at 3:00, then that routine helps you to sit down and study. Here’s something important because I think we’re all a bit like you at times: when you need to study (maybe for hours) and just can’t push yourself to do it, trick yourself and say, “Okay, I’ll just study for 15 minutes. Just 15.” Or, “I’ll just study this one table and memorize it.” It’s amazing how one can keep on going after the inertia of starting has been overcome. Oh, and when you schedule your study and stick with it, you’ll also have time available for some fun or just for you and you won’t feel guilty about taking that time for yourself either.
    4. Much of depression is a result of, or is deepened by self-talk. We talk to ourselves negatively. Thus, the cure is to stop the negative talk and replace it with the positive. That doesn’t mean that one is a Pollyanna and ignores the problems. Admit the problems; work on solutions, but don’t FOCUS on them. Instead, after dealing with them head on, turn to positive self-talk. Count your blessings – and you’ve talked of family and other things so you certainly do have wonderful blessings. You’re just going through a tough SEGMENT of your life and need some better ways to deal with it.
    5. Eat healthy.
    6. Dealing with Toronto – I’m not a cold person (I live in hot sunny Texas!). I couldn’t take the north and perhaps you can’t either. But you’re going to be there a while longer at least so how do you make the most of it? Since I can’t take the cold, I would certainly bundle up (overly!) when I went out and if cold while inside, I’d keep putting on clothes until I wasn’t. What are some things to enjoy about the cold? Hot chocolate for one! 🙂 Find some things that seem really nice in the middle of the cold. What IS to like about Toronto? Places to eat? Things to see? Things to do? The people? Events? If you work hard at a schedule and your studying comes around, you’ll have time to DO some things and DOING is so important. Are there groups to join? (I mention church in my last comments)

    I’m guessing a bit on some things, not knowing all that goes on in your life or all the little things that will help you take care of the big things. But chin up! It’s just a small part and there ARE solutions! Good ones. If you were a Christian, there are all sorts of other things I could say that would brighten your life. But I don’t know about your religion. I’m a member of the church of Christ myself.
    Hope this helps. DO things to take charge of your life. And do let us all know how you progress! May your life brighten immediately (and it can!) Dennis Lange, the bard on the hill

    • 1. I definitely agree with you on this one. I need to focus on solutions/answers to these problems rather than the problem itself. Transferring back is no longer an option for my undergrad unfortunately (it would take me 2 extra years now)
      2. Can’t argue with exercise. The cold really demotivates me though. I don’t even enjoy walking outside anyone (and it was one of my favourite things to do in Vancouver). I’ll work on this.
      3. I am so, so bad at scheduling. But I’ll give it a try (for like the 50th time).
      4. My blessings: I’m still alive? I feel like all my blessings are back home. But I find brightness in little things. So normally, I am able to focus in the positive. Just been a bad streak of illness and demotivation. I’ll get better (I know it).
      5. I wish I had the motivation to go out in the cold and buy groceries. It’s really freaking cold. I agree though, I need to eat healthier.
      6. To be perfectly honest, once it gets warmer, it’ll get better. I’m a huge fan of sunshine.

      I appreciate your advice and support in this down time. It really helps lift my spirits if only just a little. I used to be Catholic, still believe in God, but I don’t completely buy into religion. If that makes any sense.
      I NEED and crave change more than anything. I’ll find it. And in the meantime, wonderful people like you keep me on my feet trying. Thank you. ❤

  2. Hang in there! it won’t be long before you find yourself used to all of this, It’s just your body adjusting to the changes. But! Please do see a doctor soon? sending you a warm hug..!

    • Thanks for the warm wishes. >___<
      It feels like all I've done in this city is repeatedly seeing the doctor. I made a ridiculous amount of appointments last year and I didn't really want to do that this year. I'll definitely take your advice though. My health is important to me.

        • I think the main problem is that I can’t stop this break. I’m unmotivated to study. It stresses me out to be unproductive, but I just can’t find my will.
          I definitely am in need of a change rather than a break.
          But thank you for your kindness. It means the world to me. ❤

        • If you are in search of a change of scene, then come on back and catch your breath. Then, when you are ready? we’ll all cheer you onwards again! 🙂

          You are so very welcome, If you ever need someone to vent to also, you are always welcome to message me 🙂

  3. I really hope you start feeling better soon. Being sick/feeling bad for any long period of time messes with our moods. You are putting a lot of pressure on yourself Blue and your body is responding to stress. I hate knowing you’re far from home and feeling bad without someone there to help you.

    Please take care
    Love you

    • I feel like I wasn’t stressed when I first became sick. But now that it seems to never end – that fact is stressing me out more than anything. I know it doesn’t help to stress out about feeling better, but I really wish I would.
      Thank you so much Moony. I love you too.

    • I know it will improve. As soon as it gets warmer, I’ll be less likely to get sick…right?
      I did try to transfer back last year (first year was hell enough). But the university doesn’t accept my credits the same way and I would have to repeat my first year which everyone knows is one of the hardest years of university as the class sizes are huge and there isn’t enough support. I didn’t want to do that. I should’ve stayed near home to begin with.
      Thank you for the encouragement, dear.

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