It’s like I’ve lost all motivation for school. I have a midterm tomorrow that I just can’t seem to study for.
I sleep too much (15 hours yesterday and 12 hours the day before).
I can’t focus. I forget what I’m about to do every few seconds.
I still have a slight cough and lately have been breaking out in hives from the cold (-20 degree weather is not treating me well, sigh). I haven’t had hives since an allergic reaction to eggs when I was like 8 years old. Like seriously? I feel like I’ve been sick forever.
I just want to feel well.
I just really want to go home. I hate this city and how it’s been destroying my immune system.
I feel like I have Seasonal Affective Disorder. But I know I don’t. This winter has really, really sucked for me, but I have felt depressed even when it’s not winter. And I never suffered from these awful physical symptoms back home. These awful physical symptoms that spiral and break my mentality.
I don’t have time to see a doctor/therapist this week, but I will find time soon, especially if my physical symptoms persist.
I can’t survive like this.
At this rate, I fear I won’t even be able to make it home. My grades are suffering too much. I think my Med School dreams are more or less dashed, so I’m thinking of doing a year of Grad School then applying again. At this rate though, no UBC grad school would accept me. Sigh.
My. body. needs. to. adapt.
A lot of international students that I’ve talked to tell me that they love Toronto. Why can’t I see what they see?
I don’t belong here. I think if anything, I’d rather live somewhere too warm than somewhere too cold.
I’ll keep trying to find my motivation, to find a little bit of brightness in my life to hold onto. I know I can do this. I just lack the willpower. But I’ll find it.
I’ll find it.
Because the alternative is too scary to think of.