90 – Picking myself up.

Yesterday was unhappy, stressful, and disappointing, but I am recovering.

I was trying to study for the organic chemistry midterm yesterday on Tuesday (the night before), but I just felt terribly sick. I’ve never felt anything quite like that. Wanting to vomit, my eyes getting blurry, and a migraine pulsating through my brain. I wanted to rest, but at the same time, I felt unprepared for the midterm because of all the other things happening this week. I had planned weeks and weeks in advance to attend the LIGHTS concert in Toronto (which was amazing by the way) which just happened to occur on the Monday of this dreadful week. I spent my Sunday playing intramural Ultimate and working on my lab report for a lab which coincidentally was the morning before the midterm. Not only was there are a lab, but it was the hardest lab of the year (as specified by my friends who had taken the course and also by my TA), involving parts of 3 experiments to be performed and the rest of the lab report had to be completed during the lab and had to be handed in right away afterwards. Preparing for that lab took hours (I would say almost 10-12). On Tuesday, I had to bake cupcakes for the CSU (Chemistry Student Union) to sell during ASSU (Arts and Science Student Union) day and because of that, I had to go to school early to avoid the rush hour (I went around 7am).

Due to how terrible I felt that night, I wasn’t sure I was going to make it through the day (I have 12 hour Wednesdays…). The biggest mistake I made was taking that midterm on a load of painkillers instead of simply skipping it and going to see a doctor. Because of that mistake, I will most likely have to drop the course due to how badly I performed on that mid-term. I froze really hard and  couldn’t think – half of which I would contribute to my disoriented state and half of which I would contribute to the lack of studying. This lack of studying could further be divided into a lack of time and a lack of responsibility on my part. I’d like to believe that it all was due to circumstance that I did poorly, but I know that if I hadn’t slacked off as much as I did the previous week, I would be in a much better position.

I also know that I’ve been in a tough position in regards to my mental and physical health lately and that I can’t be too hard on myself right now. It’s more difficult living alone than I thought it would be.

After sobbing my heart out last night and giving a call to my mom, I feel a lot better. I am always completely transparent to my mom about how I’m doing in school and how I’m feeling (although I can’t say she deals well with how I’m feeling some of the time and sometimes she does make it worse, but not this time). It was comforting to hear her say that I should not stress about my grades so much and worry more about my health (sleep more, eat more, eat healthier, take your damn medication thingy and your iron supplements, etc) and I think that she’s absolutely right. My health is more important than doing well in my education. You can do bad in school and still be happy as long as you are healthy. I think it’s much harder to be happy when you are ill (which is why I hate Toronto so much). More than anything, my mom wants me back with her in one piece and I think that’s the best support I’ve gotten from her in a long while.

I am going to talk to my professor about the midterm tomorrow, if only to add his perspective to mine before I rashly drop the course. The midterm was worth 20%, and in a previous quiz worth 12.5%, I did not do too well (nor did the rest of the class really). If I get something like 50% on that midterm, it could ruin my chances of raising my grade at all. Unlike my psychology course which I have decided to suffer though, I really care about the content in this course. I want to do well in it. I love organic chemistry and I don’t want a bad mark on my transcript on this particular subject because it will give the wrong impression to anything that looks at it.

I felt like I had disappointed myself as well as the professor. He’s an amazing teacher and his tests are fair and based entirely on what he teaches. If I had properly studied as I should have, I would not have ended up in that situation. If I do end up dropping the course, I would very much enjoy continuing to attend his class (if he would allow me access to his lecture notes).

For now, I am going to stress out less about how I’m doing in school and focus on just being happy. My friends would probably judge me if I end up with less than appealing grades (based on my history) but I think they would also understand seeing how they’re going through the same thing. So in the end, it really doesn’t matter – if I take longer to reach my dream, so be it. I’ll enjoy every single second of it.

For now, I am going to take care of myself. Mentally and physically. If I ever feel like the I’m deathly sick like I did yesterday, I am going to see a doctor right away even if I have to go to the emergency room I hate ever so much. I made the wrong decision yesterday and I won’t make it again.

For now, I am just going to let it go.

Just gonna take what life throws at me one lemon at a time (I don’t think that’s the right expression, but I’m not a baseball fan so curveballs just sounds worse to me).


7 thoughts on “90 – Picking myself up.

  1. A favorite quote ~ There will come a time when it seems everything is ended. That will be the beginning. More than reaching is the allowing. When we stop struggling, we float. ❤

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