89 – I am really, really struggling.

Studying at university isn’t at all what I thought it’d be like. Professors aren’t always intellectually stimulating and sometimes they don’t particularly care for teaching as in the case of a certain Psychology course I am taking. There are those,  however, that try their best to be open to students and allow for learning that is both worthwhile and interesting. I am, more or less, caught between those extremes.

I am not doing well at all. I thought my first year was a disappointment, but I brushed it off as a negative consequence of having class sizes of over a thousand people…and for my constant state of illness. The latter, of course, was the reason I came to dislike living in Toronto. More so than last year, I’m finding classes to be difficult and that the amount of studying and effort I put into a class does not necessarily correlate to the grades I am receiving from the mid-terms. It’s challenging.

There are no words that can describe how frustrated I am at this Psychology course. A lecture should not be a rambling, of discussions in abstract ideas, of the various thoughts that go into your head as prompted by an image. A powerpoint should not be composed completely of diagrams and repeated slides and irrelevant points in no particular organized manner. That is not education. That is not how you should teach.

What you are doing is talking in a disoriented manner, giving a speech without proper preparation, guiding students on various tangents that don’t seem to make sense because your thoughts are not coherent and organized. It is taking away so much from the students. It takes away a sense of understanding, a sense of learning and fulfillment, and it gives the impression that you don’t care about us. There is problem when the course textbook fails to provide any depth or any additional information relative to your lectures – this begs the question of whether we have the appropriate textbook or if we have inappropriate lectures. I, and so many others, agree upon the latter. Cohesion and clarity are two elements essential in understanding, both of which this particular professor fails to provide.

I have less than a week to decide if I will remain in the course. I feel like I have suffered so much of it that I might as well continue suffering. But why is education under your standards suffrage?

I am struggling. Barely holding onto a ship that’s already been sunk. This past month has been making me doubt myself. Over and over. How am I supposed to get to where I want to be when those that are supposed to guide me are leading me into a thicket?

I am fortunate, however, to have understanding friends and family. I am not alone and I know that I will always be my harshest critic. Yes, I may be reprimanded for not doing well in school, and at this rate, I may never become a doctor, but nothing will compare to my own disappointment and anguish in myself. Because of that, I am trying my best to stay strong. Happiness is subjective. If I can hold onto that, then perhaps nothing will be able to bring me down.

I am going to hope that I improve. And I am going to work for it.

If I fail, I want to be able to stay that I tried my hardest – and that is something that no one can take away from me.

I am struggling. In school. With this course. With getting my life in balance (due to living alone and all). I am really, really struggling, but I won’t give up.

I know that if I can just hold onto my tiny shard of happiness, and enjoy the fulfillment of living life on my own terms (which is in itself a luxury of sorts), then it doesn’t really matter where I end up. I just have to be happy.

And I hope that you are too.

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15 thoughts on “89 – I am really, really struggling.

  1. Wow, I realize this is from a while ago but I too am studying (and was trying to get into a psychology program) at university and realized that it is not at all what it’s cracked up to be. I hope it’s gotten a tinsy bit better this semester, or at least you have really excellent summer plans to look forward to! All the best

  2. Wow, this is dificult. What have you decided about the class? Sorry to hear you are struggling. Regardless of whether or not you stay in the class — hang in there and keep fighting!

    • Thank you dear. I’ve decided to stay in the class. I think it’ll be interesting. Some students are thinking/planning on going to the board of education within the department. I want to see if that gets anywhere. In any case, it seems like I can bargain for a couple of extra marks with the prof – I’ll fight my way through this course if I have to.

  3. I wrote a reply last night but the iPad never sent it … Briefly – YES! There is more to life than getting good grades in school, and knowing from the way you write, and view the world, then you have a career as a writer at least as a avocation should medicine not suit your fancy … I am thrilled at the change in you, and know you are just getting better every day ! Find a new University … Sounds like this one sucks!

    • Thank you for the continuous support, my dear friend. I hope I continue to grow day after day. It really is a wondrous thing. It’s not the university at fault – it’s this one particular professor stomping on my nerves. As for my grades, most of it is due to me lacking the motivation to study at times. I need to get on top of that…soon. 🙂

  4. Nessa, almost always I find that happiness depends on the eyes I use to see it………. Disappointment comes not when we fail, but when we fail to see the real beauty that is our life. Yes, it is in that tiny sweet voice that loves this place defined by your joys……….. The rest is as simple as letting go. ❤

  5. To struggle is to be expected as long as its not totally overwhelming. At uni I would say it might be best to give yourself a bit of a break instead of stretching yourself too far. Maybe you can talk to your professor or a counselor to help you decide what is best going forward.

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