I failed it again.

I don’t want to think about it anymore.

I’m a bad driver, but the examiner was really stingy so I don’t think I could’ve done any better.

Also my family’s really messed up (as I’m sure are other families, probably due to Chinese culture). It just hit me that if you come home crying, there’s no one to cry to. In my family, you consider crying annoying and leave that person alone until they’re done with their tantrum. There are very little displays of love in my household. But I’m sure I’m not alone. There are many, many broken families out there. Why can’t we just love?

Maybe that’s why I’m so obsessed with love. Because it’s been missing from me my entire life.

Because I’m so often unloved, I choose to love instead.

Ugh. I’m just going to go and play some video games. Take my mind off the sadness. And when this terrible headache (that came with the crying) goes away, I’ll look forward to the future with a bright smile on my face. It hurts now. But pain, along with sadness, is only temporary.

I need some ice cream.


11 thoughts on “84

  1. I failed my drivers test a few times.. 21 and my boyfriend drives me around.
    I know I only stop in every once in a while, but I’m here if you ever need any one to talk to, and I’m not just saying that. Just letting you know you have people who care about you and I cry almost on a daily basis so you won’t be alone 😉

  2. I somehow doubt that you’re missing love, Nessa. You’re just missing proof that you recognize, which is why the tears……..you keep hoping they will result in proof you recognize as love. The trick is to understand (to KNOW) that you’re loved so that your very existence is the proof. Once you stop trying so hard to catch the butterfly, it will find you. ❤

    • As much as I appreciate your kind words Bobbie, there is an obvious lack of love from within my family. And there is something culturally restricting it from ever regaining any sense of love. I have enough love from other sources to know that I am not alone, but I can’t help but feel that my family is what a true family should feel like – which is fine because someday I’ll make one of my own (friends included!). Nevertheless thanks for stopping by!

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