78 – I will thrive someday.

Had a really hard time yesterday.

I failed my driving learner’s test. I really didn’t want to. Didn’t mean to. And I knew I was ready. But sometimes you can’t account for nerves, can’t account for emotions, and sometimes those things can get the best of you. I broke down, of course. Because failure isn’t something anyone likes. It’s stressful. I wanted it done this year. Before I have to go back to Toronto again. There’s been a whole ton of money invested into driving lessons and I feel I let that all slip away from me. So I was devastated. This failure combined with all the stress of not knowing where I should go, being rejected on so many fronts from UBC (they insist on making me a year behind), and having my self esteem wrecked at work. It was really too much. It was worse than failing my ARCT exam. By a margin of miles.

But I pulled it together. There are so many beautiful things in life that I have yet to discover. So many little things that make me smile everyday. And life’s too short to waste it constantly on tears. So I pulled it together. Took a nice warm shower and settled down to find things that make me happy.

And I was happy again. For a little while.

Then my mom came home.

I’m going to give her the benefit of the doubt and say she just had a bad day, but I know it’s not true. Especially not after the hurtful reasoning she threw at me. She yelled at me for not trying hard enough. Not practicing enough. Procrastinating on it until the last minute. She said it was the same way with piano. The way I wouldn’t practice. And the way I failed. And that hurt. I had related the two exams by the feelings of failure and disappointment in myself I felt, by the mental breakdowns I had. But she related it to my horrible work ethics, to my inability.

And I was too battered by my earlier breakdown – I was barely keeping myself together at that point – to fight back.

But she’s wrong.

I failed my test due to my nerves, due to my getting flustered after one mistake. And there’s really no way to prepare for that. All I can do is try again. And it’s not likely to be this summer with all the appointments booked. And frankly, after having all my tenacity wasted on UBC, I don’t have the willpower to call everyday and check if they have an appointment open (because every time they say they don’t, it’s another disappointment in my face).

It was the same way with piano. My nerves always got the best of me. I would mess up entire songs at piano recitals, do horribly in piano competitions because I couldn’t get my fingers to stop shaking or be too stiff.  I agree that I should’ve practiced more in terms of piano. But I also believe I should’ve stopped playing a long, long time ago. I enjoy playing what I want. Not classical music that showcases my nonexistent technique. I want to be playing for my sake, for making others happier, not to impress some examiner. And thus, I could never be motivated to take the exam again.

I’m not good in situations where I’m openly judged. But I’ll try again with driving. But I won’t with piano. And it’s wrong. To think that practicing more will get rid of all my mistakes, all of my nervousness. I’m sure there are classes to  help relieve nerves. To make someone feel better about interviews, public speaking, performances. And I’m sure I could use those. But I’m also happy knowing that I’m not charismatic, I’m not a natural performer. And you can’t bash me for that.

I was at a cavernous low yesterday. It’s been a long, long time since I’ve even had the thought of suicide. And it came to me yesterday. Like a ghost. In the clutches of a pill case with forty-ish pills of naproxen. I’m sure I could overdose if I took all of them at once even if they’re two years old. Or at least feel nothing for a long time. But I would never.

Suicide requires a crap ton of bravery which I don’t have.

Not to mention a huge load of stupidity.

It’s never a good idea to kill yourself. That’s why I’ve always shook my head at the idea of Romeo and Juliet. The future is full of choices to make. You can bring yourself anywhere. Move beyond anything. And there’s no reason to stop and give up just because you’re at a low point in life. Just smile. There’s probably a high point just waiting around the corner.

I got my boyfriend to talk me down from my frantic hyperventilation. To calm my sobs into a sluggish sleepy slate. And after a good night’s rest, I feel better. My mom acts like she wasn’t the one who inflicted all this horrible pain upon me last night. And whatever. We’ll leave it at that.

I’m done with blaming others. Everything you feel can be controlled by you. And I can choose next time not to be hurt. (Though I probably will. Work in progress..?)

I’m happy again.

I have a million problems to worry about, to try and find solutions to.

But it’s okay.

I’m happy again.

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12 thoughts on “78 – I will thrive someday.

  1. Sweet Nessa, you *will* prevail. I have faith in you, and I think you do, too, underneath it all. You’ve always had something of that old-soul patience in your thoughts and words, even when you’ve been at low points, and that’s an amazing tool for both survival and positive change when you calm back down and make use of your best self.

    There are so many different kinds of intelligence and skill, of charisma and courage, and we all have to figure out our own personal combinations and how to use them to our best advantage for the long term—or work on changing them, if need be (I’ve been there, too!). Your level of self-awareness and determination to think through and guide your choices in times of change or stress is pretty uncommon, and should stand you in good stead if you continue to be a trusting, thoughtful, hopeful person in general. Not always easy, but it’s possible. You have the inner resources for this, I am convinced.

    As for that ol’ driver’s test, there are zillions of us who didn’t ace it first try. I freaked out on parallel parking and flunked on my first, went out and practiced my brains out at parallel parking, took the test again, and when the instructor on that one tried to make me park my parents’ tank of a station wagon between tiny road cones I couldn’t even see from the driver’s seat I made a half-hearted try, said something to the effect that any attempt to park between two rows of invisible objects wasn’t a very good indicator of whether I could park between two actual cars, was told by the instructor not to continue with this fruitless effort, and was given a pass without ever actually parallel parking in that test. Go figure! Life kind of works that way in general, at least for me: sometimes the stuff that’s stumped me worst turns out to be non-essential junk that I can find an alternative route through or around, or skip altogether, if I stand back and reassess the situation.

    Hugs to you!
    Kathryn

  2. You’re an amazing person. Keep it up.

    Likewise, I’m not going to pressure you to talk to me, but remember that if you ever need a window of anything, I’m here.

  3. Hmmmm … You write from the heart, and it’s masterful. Yes, many of us, are not made for the limelight, the big show, the performance in front of others. I hated school because I hated taking tests, still do, I excelled in computers because I hit at a time where the ability to apply what you learned was valued, more than a brain dump onto a piece of paper. Some of us, exude talent through other media, like you do here. Not just in the way you write, but the time and detail that you took in putting together the form of your page.
    Its amazing how much belief we put onto the words and opinions of others, there are many reasons why this is so, and there is no sence taking space here with why … I still carry my brothers ‘big brother’ lectures around with me, and he haunts me from the grave. Someday I’ll conquer it, but for now, it ebbs and flows.
    You’ll drive when the time is right. I wanted it more than anything in my life at 16, knew it all yet had to take the road test 3 times!
    The best reason not to ever do yourself in, is that you’ll wake up on the other side and regret having done it, it doesn’t make anything go away, and only makes what you came here to learn ever harder to accomplish. But you get it … You are part of a new wave of souls who are here on a mission, and it’s not about building the world your mother wants you to build, its about the dreams you have for a new Eden, No one said it would be easy, but you’re here because you wanted to be, so keep going! You are doing great!

    • Mm. I definitely believe that different people excel at different things. I’m probably not the best driver, but I’ll improve whilst I work at it. And I think that’s true for anything. You might not have the talent, but if you’re willing to work for it, if you have the mindset to do it, then you can.
      I’m working on taking criticism or negative feedback better. It puts me down as soon as I know someone thinks badly of me. And it hurts. And I suppose it should. But you decide how you feel after the fact. So I know I can take it with a lighter heart.
      Thanks so much for the encouragement, gfs. You don’t know how much it means to me. (:

  4. Nessa, I so understand this…….for so many reasons. I am not an athlete, and all the practice in the world won’t make me one because I have no desire to be one. However, there was also a time I said the same thing about public speaking. But I was pushed into a situation where I had to try…which meant lots of time beforehand to be sick. And eventually (sooner than I thought) I got past it and now I don’t think of it at all. When everyone I work with is hiding to keep from being selected, I don’t. If I’m not chosen, I’m good…..but if I am, well, I’m still good. And I’m proud of myself for getting to this place. I’m much like you in that I’ve decided there are some things I don’t need or want, but there are other things I really (really) do. I’ve realized that if I don’t have something I want, then I must not want it badly enough. I used to make excuses for why I wasn’t good at public speaking, and I know now (probably knew it then) that they were reasons I gave myself not to succeed. I can have anything if I want it bad enough, and if I’m willing to get out of my way. 🙂 I love you! You go girl! ❤

    • Mmm you’re right. You can achieve anything if you put your mind to it. 🙂 Thanks for the support, Bobbie. I love you too! Hopefully I’ll be posting more and more happier posts. ❤

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