73

I’m okay… I’m okay. I’m okay I’m okay I’m okay.

not my favourite mantra

but I say it over and over

hoping, wishing

but knowing that I am not

‘okay’

 

I seem to have fallen again

it’s not the same place as before

but sure feels like it

and I can’t breathe

when the whole world

is crashing on me

 

I want to be alone

but I need to be

in his arms

to not feel so afraid

to feel loved

when all I hear

are screams

 

I need silence

because every word

is poison

every sigh

is another thorn

piercing through my heart

and I can’t seem

to find an exit

 

I thought that I had beaten it

but I guess I was wrong

even fire-breathing eloquence

can’t take something this strong

 

I’m standing still now

afraid to make a move

the darkness inching closer

with every breath I take

but still my legs have lost their fight

and I’m crying through the night

 

I’m not looking for a saviour

not looking for escape

all I want right now

is a little bit of strength

just a little bit of  “I can do this”

just a little bit of  “It’s not so bad”

’cause just a little bit of courage

is more than I’ve ever had

 

I slice through the darkness

with a bleeding shard of love

but I’ve fallen way too deep

to ever get above

but maybe

just maybe

if instead of looking up

I can dig deeper

find haven within myself

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2 thoughts on “73

  1. Nessa ~ I’m reminded of words (I think they’re from a song). I have them taped to the back of my calendar. “I guess it’s going to have to hurt. I guess I’m going to have to cry, and let go of some things I’ve loved to get to the other side.
    I guess it’s going to break me down, like falling when you try to fly. Sad but sometimes moving on with the rest of your life starts with goodbye.”

    For me, it always helps to move the bed………. I love you. ❤

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