Tonight, I feel broken and I just don’t know why.

Went to a friend’s birthday party today, indulged in fondue, and watched White House Down which left me shaking in my seat from the excitement. Went out for dinner with family. Had fun today. Laughed lots. Felt amazing walking home in the warm weather.

But right now, I feel exhausted and unhappy.

Maybe I had too much sugar today and these unfortunate emotions are a result of the crash.

Maybe it’s my introversion that I still really haven’t come to terms with.

Maybe it’s my mental health.

I don’t know and that’s what irks me. The unknown. The uncertainty. This everlasting feeling of loneliness.

I don’t know what I need.

I just want to feel okay again.

And I will.

I just wish I knew what was wrong.


10 thoughts on “59

  1. Since you were having fun and weren’t thinking about anything and then went back to thinking…that ruins things.

    We don’t have to understand things, maybe even as much as we want to. We just have to lear to wait until things become more clear. Until then, just try to enjoy the moment. Easier said than done, Blue.

      • Bluesander!
        I was glad to see your words, and have felt the same way tonight. Sadness in my heart, flutters in my laughter, when it’s deepest(Bobbie nailed it). I’m thankful for the pits of misery I sometimes land in. It helps me to have compassion for lasting loneliness in other animals. That’s right! Animals!! It’s natural! Have compassion for yourself!! It’s not bad, negative, or any other degenerative word. Do you think it will ever go away? I know mine won’t. I don’t doubt it anymore, sorrow found a home in me, a long time ago. My eyes are open. I feel the hidden tears of others, in my bones. Don’t you dare try to stop thinking!! The cry of the earth is in my skin!! It fills me to bursting with rage, if I let it, and I don’t let it, nearly enough!!! It takes courage to think, and write, about misery! Understand it! Step back! Take it slow and easy! Sleep. Stare at the wall. Do it! Cry!!!!

        Thank you for writing this.-

        It has inspired me to continue on a train of thought that is of vital importance, to my ability to heal. I’m writing this sentence, Bobbie’s ditto, and the previous one, after all the rest, with the hope, that I can gracefully express support of your feelings, and not try to change them, by telling you to feel something else, or do something else, but to think wisely.

        -It’s relieved me, to see your feelings. I looked for your expressions of present moments, a couple weeks ago, and I don’t read much on the reader. I don’t care if your sobbing inside, every time you write. Most people move on from sorrow quickly, experiencing shallow versions of emotion. They don’t experience the blossom of happiness in the way I do, as I fly from the bursting walls of meloncholy, only to fall again suddenly. I cherish the few, like you!! I hope this gave you a myriad of emotions, cascading from one to another, as it did for me: Happiness at giving you attention, as you have given me solids, and tears brimming from the scripting of it. I have not been this happy, in I don’t rememember when. Content anticipating the sobs, I am, now.

        • Thank you, Benjamin. Your words make the sadness a little more comforting to me. But I don’t think I’m suited to await the sobs, I’d much rather be drowning in smiles and laughter. But I suppose an acceptance of the sadness is necessary in my life.

        • 🙂 Your welcome. Likewise. Yes, in mine as well, and I was doing my best to accept it, by writing about it! Good morning, i hope yer day is peachy!

  2. I don’t know for sure, but since you’re a Libra, I’m willing to hazard a guess. When I have a day that seems so very close to perfect, I have moments where I’m down later, and I think it’s a realization (in the soul) of how precious (how fragile) life is. You’re so filled with gratitude for all you hold, and yet there’s an underlying thought of how very close we are (we all are) to losing that which we love so much. Maybe it’s anticipation for some future grief, or maybe it’s just the sorrow that always rests on the other side of the bed from joy. Either way, know that it is not permanent, and in fact, it will always bring you to open yourself more fully to life (both the bliss and the sorrow)……but more sweetly to the bliss, dear Nessa. Know you are loved and life is wonderful (all the time). ~ Always, Bobbie

  3. I suspect when you lose your feeling of connectedness, you feel down and alone … Just a thought from what I read …

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