54

I don’t understand this source-less sadness, this uncontrollable urge to cry even though nothing has happened to provoke it. It’s been getting worse and ignoring that fact isn’t healthy for me. But I don’t want to be labelled. Depressed or bipolar. It’s just a passing phase. It’s just a passing phase.

Or so I lie to myself. Or maybe not. I’m too young for anyone to tell.

I smile and laugh as usual. Feeling so light when just chittering and chattering with those I feel comfortable with, it’s hard for me to believe that I’m anything but normal. But the happiness never stays. It’s here one moment at full blast and the next, I feel it slipping from my grasp. No one in my family is diagnosed with anything psychological. I trust that it is what I hope, a passing phase.

Perhaps more troubling is my addiction to these video games. No, that’s not quite it. It’s more my inability to cope with this sadness without the aid of these video games. The numbness is favoured over the blue intensity I can’t escape. I play to be numb. I play to forget. I play to have someone to talk to, to not feel alone. Yet I need to be alone. Nothing but a contradictory soul…that’s what I am.

My mind flickers around in circles. My thoughts wander even when I’m taking an exam. But I’m okay. I’m okay. I believe that my own belief is stronger than these overwhelming emotions. If I act okay and think only that, I will be. I’m sure of it. But not so sure that a sliver of doubt doesn’t remain within my mind. There is always doubt. There is always weakness.

I am strong. But I will always be weak too.

It’s all over. All my exams. High school. Graduation is on the horizon. But I don’t feel it yet. Not just yet. No, I only have the sadness and perhaps it is he that knows me best.

The days are bright in every way.

And dark in the back of my mind.

I love so much. My friends, my family, and who I am. And him. I love so much so it’ll be alright. Love is stronger than anything.

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One thought on “54

  1. thanks for sharing this. i know this feeling all too well, and sometimes i wonder the exact same things… whether something is wrong… why i can’t stay happy… and i just wait for the future and hope that it will pass and that things will get better- that i’ll get better.

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