48 – Disappointment

I’ve been having nightmares lately.

Not just once or twice.

But every night.

It frightens me to think about what it might mean. What’s wrong with me? Psychologically, I mean.

I’ve been sleeping a little too much since it’s spring break and I really needed the break to refresh myself. I’m thankful for this.

The nightmares. Vivid. Tantalizing. I’ve never had so many dreams not go away the instant I wake up.

A room of snakes. An academy scarce of liberty and filled with strangers. A chemistry test and a demon-possessed teacher.

I know the motivations behind that last one – I still haven’t gotten over how badly I had done on the last chemistry test. That can’t happen again. I promise.

What’s fueling this evil in my mind?

Too many video games?

An irregular sleep pattern?

I’m not myself.

I’m possessed by disappointment. Of others. Of myself. I’m suffocating in an emotion I’ve never been comfortable with. Yes, I’m aware that I have a series of exams in May I can’t afford to do poorly on. Yes, I’m aware that my piano exam follows right after in June. Yes, I’m aware that nothing will ever come out of all these hours on the computer, tapping away in a virtual reality. Yes, I’m aware that I’m a mess. Still, this makes me happy. This other world. So why can’t I just be happy?

I just want to be alone, but everyone is determined to make that goal unattainable. At the same time, I fear loneliness. I’m probably bipolar.

I feel so numb.

I don’t let anything take my smile from me, but it’s harder these days.

But I’m happy, right?

I’m supposed to be happy.

I’m leaving on a trip…in a few hours. For a few days.

I’m supposed to be happy.

Lost.

I’m terribly lost.

Can you find me again, like you did the first time? Make me feel safe atop my stronghold? Consolidate me with the words I have always cherished?

I just want this nightmare to end.

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12 thoughts on “48 – Disappointment

  1. Bluesander, I enjoyed reading your post. It takes courage to reveal your fear and sadness. I hope this helps you in some way. It helps me to remember why I live. My goal is to get better at quickly recovering from dissapointments:
    “Enthusiasm is followed by disappointment and even depression, and then by renewed enthusiasm.

    Murray Gell-Mann”

  2. O, Nessa, I give you only one piece of advice ~ love ~ love your life and love yourself. As for dreams ~ find out what they mean ~ don’t fear them, embrace them and they will show you their meaning. I’ve often thought of dreams as a ‘royal road’ into the unconscious, made up of all forbidden wishes you had and you wished you didn’t. To be honest, my most terrifying dreams were the result of cough syrup I now avoid. 🙂 You’ll find your way. But remember to live your life according to your desires and dreams ~ not as an attempt to make up for disappointment another has in their own. ~ Love you, Me

  3. remember the story where a man awoke and could not discern whether he was a man dreaming he was a butterfly, or a butterfly dreaming he was a man. This is the paradox you seem so aware of, and it is strange indeed trying to understand which side of life is real – or more real, and the truth is they are both the same. You might want to take a look at the web site http://www.thespiritualcatalyst.com/articles. Teal Scot has a remarkable view of the emerging world … You may find insight in her articles, videos.
    Good luck, and a safe journey …

  4. What jumps out at me are your words, ” I’m possessed by disappointment. Of others. Of myself. I’m suffocating in an emotion I’ve never been comfortable with.”

    What is at the core of your disappointment? When others are disappointed with you and say so, is it something about you or them?

    Great self discovery post.

    Shakti

    • You raise a good point…
      I guess it’s the truth in what they say about me that hurts me. I don’t like to disappoint and when I do, I become disappointed in myself.
      Thanks for dropping by, it’s much appreciated.

  5. I love this type of writing, probably because I have spent most of my life in reflection and introspection. Two thoughts, yes, blame the video games!! hahaha And YES, you deserve to be happy, to do whatever makes you happy, be whoever you need to be in order to enjoy that sense that “yes, I am happy”. Thanks for sharing this. Enjoy your trip too!

    • Awh thank you…I think you more or less told me what I needed to hear. I’ll be “whoever I need to be”… and I guess that’s something applicable to everyone so I hope you are able to do the same. ♥

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