46

It’s just a little sad that I don’t feel comfortable opening up to you. I don’t usually feel like I have your undivided attention and thus, I don’t want to say something that you’ll just brush off like any other comment. I know there are others that fill up your world, but I want you to realize that you take up a continent of mine. It’s difficult. These awkward periods of silence and ignorance. But I won’t stop. Because the loneliness doesn’t go away without you.

I’ve tried to tell you many things, but changed my mind in the end. You’re a little impatient and when I hesitate, you move on right away. I’m no good with decisions. You’re no good at waiting for me to make them. I’m sorry it’s this way. I’d change it if I could.

There are times when I want to run away because I just don’t know what to say. I’d hate to be a bother. I’d hate to be someone you no longer look forward to talking to. I’d hate to be hated.

I’m a good listener or at least I try to be, but sometimes, I know there are things that you cannot open up to me. I won’t pry. Some parts of your world will always be secret to me.

I’m lonely. It’s hard to admit that sometimes, but I think it’s better to know it than to be in denial. It is onerous to express myself in front of my friends. When I try, I miss every opportunity.

I know that if I asked for it, you’d stop and listen. You’d shut away everyone and everything else for the moment and listen to what I have to say. I know that if I asked for it, I’d receive that unimpeded attention that I’ve always craved. That I always will crave. If not from you, then from someone else.

For now, just that thought alone – just the thought that you’d abandon all that is around you for me, is enough for me.

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2 thoughts on “46

  1. Very heart-felt, Nessa. I can relate to your feelings, but hope you’ll give me a moment to provide you something more to ponder.

    I tend to be a private person by nature. It’s who I am (I’m a mystery to myself in many ways, and I like that). On the other hand, that doesn’t mean that I don’t care or that I am not loving. It just means that I am private. I’ve likely pushed a lot of people away who needed more of me than I could give (or than I could give up without losing something very valuable to me – me).

    Breathe, and see your friend’s mystery as a wonderful thing, rather than something you need to figure out. And together, you will create a different kind of mystery ~ and a one of a kind type of magic. 🙂

    Love you ~ Bobbie

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