There are times when I don’t say the words I want to say because I’m too scared of rejection, too fearful of things that I might not want to hear. It eats away at me, gnawing at the edges of my dreams. Then I’m forced to cover the whole affair with a sprinkle of petty lies.
There are times when I hurl out all the wrong words and I say what I don’t mean – but you can’t possibly know that I don’t mean what I’ve said. There’s so much regret and it won’t leave me alone. I’m sorry, I’m sorry… I didn’t mean to.
There are times when I’m feeling all jumbled up inside as if a hurricane had blown all my structured thoughts apart. It is in these times when I spew out nonsense from my lips and throw puzzles into the air, expecting someone else to figure it out for me. No one ever does. We’re both left confused in the silence. You bite your lips trying to understand what I’m saying. I wish I knew myself.
There are times when I speak the words from my heart – honestly, fervidly, with a smile tucked to my cheeks. These are the times that I like the most and also the times that you like the most. However, these are also the times that come the least.
My mind is so selfish. She doesn’t like to share her thoughts and when she does, she likes to speak in riddles. She loves you, but she loves to hurt you too. I apologize for her absurd personality, but I don’t think I can change much about her. She is my mind after all. Stubborn and resilient towards change. Naive and rash. Always thinking the wrong things.
There are times when I want to tell you I love you and forget everything else. These times are the most common. Whether or not I say the words, however, is an entirely different matter. Why is it so difficult to tell someone you love a simple three words? More than fear, it is my pride that I cannot spar against.
It’s really hard for my silly mind to come to terms with fact.
But you know, I’m sure that behind her persistent whining and adamant facade that
she really loves you.
All of you.
Your teasing. Your ridiculously put together jokes. Those puns that don’t really work. Your many faces and many moods. Your calming, soothing words. Your kindness and your strangeness. Your laugh and your sarcasm.
All of you.