40 – Who is it that you cannot let go of?

As the sands of time trickle down the hourglass, I find myself more and more engaged in the people I have known rather than those that I know now. Sometimes I wonder if it is the forgotten friends of the past that enchant me or just the fact that these friends remain as memories that I may manipulate or alter at my will – though my personality struggles to keep them uncontaminated. In my mind, I glorify these individuals – they become the kindest beings, the most understanding of the world, and almost perfect in every regard – but not quite. The individuals that linger on within my memory are those that are the most human – those that are inspirational in that they are strong against their environment and perfect because they are flawed. I look up to them endlessly, hold their words close at hand, and live my life changed evermore.

There was this one lady that used to come by my house every month or so, a beaming smile upon her face and a bible clutched dotingly in her arms. She was young, enthusiastic, and brimming with the passion of a  second year university student. I could never turn her away, not the first time, not the third time, and not at any time for that matter. In fact, if she were to swing by right now, I would probably stand at the door and listen to what she had to say. That’s what I did. For the five or six encounters that we had before my father finally answered the door, surprised to see a young woman asking to see his twelve year old daughter. He turned her away of course, as fathers do to protect their daughters. She never came by again. Perhaps she was shocked that my parents had no clue what I was getting involved in or perhaps she was afraid that she was doing something not quite legal in the sense that I was a minor and didn’t have the maturity to make my own judgement. I did, however, have the maturity far beyond others of my age. I’ve always regretted that – growing up too fast that is.

On the matter of religion, those encounters did not shape in any way my religious views. However, they shaped the way I viewed the world. Her passion and unending dedication to God and to her religion inspired me to hold a similar passion in everything I do. She made an individual effort to spread her faith and to promote something she strongly believed in – that is something that not only requires time and patience, but also effort and diligence. Looking back, I was more attracted (in the infantile sense) to her views and individual perspective of her religion and of her God more than I was interested in converting to Christianity. I found confidence in what she said and yearned to be able to reflect the same confidence when I spoke. Seeing how far I have come from that meager, shy existence to the homunculus of passions I am today, I owe some of it to her. I feel like I had almost found a friend in her – though our age difference and diverse interests would certainly have been somewhat a barrier. She was accepting, yet unrelenting to other views – she didn’t force you to believe what she did, but she tried her best to convince you to see her side. I don’t believe I’ll ever amount to the strength that she possessed, but I’ll travel along that path and see where it takes me.

I keep an almost collection-like memory of individuals who have changed my perspectives or my attitudes in life – individuals like that young lady. Sometimes, I have difficulty letting go of the past, but other times, I am found staring off too far into the future. In the case of these individuals, I feel an innate urge to solidify their presence within me – as if even today, they continue to influence my every thought and action. I believe that to some extent, this is true for everybody. Whether it be their parents or a stranger, their best friend or a teacher, everyone has someone that they cannot forget and someone they hold next to their hearts. For me, it just happens to be a lot of “someone”s. For me, more than specific events in time or specific material awards, it is the individuals that remain forever prominent in my minds. For me, due to my association with the virtual world, many of these individuals have been those that I have never met in the real world. This doesn’t make them any less significant in comparison to anyone I’ve met in the flesh and blood and perhaps it even adds a new layer of permanence in that I have been exposed truly to the minds of these people without the barrier that is real life interaction and formalities. I have lived, loved, and learned with these friends, these models of inspiration in my mind – and thus, it is only natural that they remain forever floating and out of my sub-conscience.

If you have had the time and interest to read through this entire rant-like thing, then ask yourself this:

Who is it that you cannot let go of?

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8 thoughts on “40 – Who is it that you cannot let go of?

  1. I have a lot of them actually… Maybe not as many as you

    Several of them are actually People that I’ve dated, as each of them were my Best Friends… Well, most of them, Lol

    In fact I dated a girl for a month or two, and sadly broke up with her when a dear friend of mine, who I had actually been in love with, but she was involved with some else… Suddenly became available, and made it known that she felt the same way about me.

    The girl I broke up with was Amazing, but I had only known her a month or so, and this other girl was a dear, dear friend that I had knows for over two years.

    Anyway, I only think of this girl I broke up with, because she left a bible under my bed… I believe she had planned on trying to convert me, or at least share with me her beliefs.

    Which, like you say, I Admired her Passion for them… I myself was brought up in a house without religion, and thus never really pursued one.

    My dad did become Christian at some point with his new wife, and I used to go to church with him when I visited him, which I actually enjoyed.

    But I’m getting off point, Lol… This girl who left her bible at my house ended up being a friend of mine for over 5 years after we dated for a month+…

    She became one of most Amazing People that I’ve ever had in my life.

    I also feel this way about one of my old friends that I grew up with, as well as, like I mentioned, several of the Girls that I was in Love with.

    It’s so hard that you lose the Friendship as well as the Romantic aspect.

    This piece is Extremely Profound Blue

    Thanks for sharing

    DJ-

    • Thank you for reading, Jade.
      The girl you speak of sounds like a very wonderful person indeed and it’s shame that she’s not still in your life…though that can be said about many souls that touch upon ours.
      Let us value their impact on our lives, but move forward all the while. (:

      • Yeah, I’ve lost some really important to me from my life

        We were friends from 1998-2000, then I was with someone from 2000-2002, and didn’t talk to her really… Then we connected again for a bit

        Sadly she went through a really dark period, and after a difficult conversation, we kind of lost touch

        I actually tried to find/locate her online in the last year, but couldn’t… I guess not everyone is online

        But she’s definitely one of the wonderful people that I’ve had in my life, that I miss

        There’s many of them sadly

        But you’re right, and I do always move forward

        Fortunately since blogging, I have had several good connections, such as with you

        I’m glad to know that there’s other Amazing people out there like yourself

        DJ-

  2. Yes, ‘Nessa – far ahead of your years, but then, there are those who are ‘old souls’ born into this world, and I suspect, no, rather I know, you are one of those, without ever looking at your astrological chart … To have the point of view that you reflect in this writing, is maturity of spirit, is a connection with something greater, that only the course of many lifetimes could bring.
    Occasionally, driving to work mostly, my mind drifts to those I can’t let go of, and in a sense you are among those cyber friends we care for, wonder if they are safe, and pray for their well being. As I read more of your journey, I am comforted to know that you are doing well … Life, of course, is not simple, but I know you are guided, and that you listen to guidance, and there is my re-assurance – Have a Splendid Holiday, a Happy New Year, be safe, and be well … Always – gfs

  3. I love this ‘rant-like thing’, Nessa. I know exactly what you’re saying. There are those who know me, and those who KNOW me. With the later, it’s a matter of acceptance, love and understanding. While ideal, it’s unfortunate that we don’t experience that enough – a relationship that is, quite simply, as easy as breathing. It is the relationship that changes everything and changes nothing, for it expects nothing. And because it expects nothing, it garners everything.

    As for letting go of it, we never do for it becomes a part of us – a measure of future relationships – and a pleasant memory we can return to at any moment – as near as closing our eyes – as close as our next breath.

    Where we find it? Well, perhaps it finds us. There are billions of people in the world, and the universe will see that most of them you never have to meet. But there are some you are tied to, and the spirits will cross you back and forth, threading so many knots until they catch. For some, that never happens, and for others, well it can take some time to finally get it right. My guess is, you already know exactly what that is. ~ Love ever, Bobbie

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