35 – A Splattered Blue Summer

I realize that it hasn’t been that long since I made that pledge to be active again. Yet, as you can tell, my inactivity is more than evident. Circumstances and life itself have led me to dead ends – to writer’s block, to lack of motivation, and to other outlets. I’m upset with myself that I haven’t been able to keep up with everyone else’s wonderful posts, but I know that surely with time, I’ll be right back here commenting more often than needed.  Despite all the obstacles that may stand in my way, I’m sure I’ll be able to develop myself more and more as time goes on. And that, that excites me.

The humid summer air is sweet with new opportunities, blooming with new insights. Despite the much love I hold for this season, a dark blue shadow has hovered over the normally bright month of July. There is so much happening around me and although I’d like to put on an optimistic face to support those who need it, but sometimes I find myself falling short of any happiness. The reasons for this are muddled, complicated, and many in number. I very much wish it was the opposite.

Lately, I have been feeling extremely disconnected from my best friends – “best” in the sense that I’ve known them for over ten years – being the last the know the significant things happening in their lives. Just yesterday, one such friend told me that she had broken with her boyfriend of about three months. I was shocked not at the fact that their relationship had ended, although that would reasonable considering how comfortable and cute they were together, but at the fact that all my other friends there were well aware of that fact. I didn’t tell them that of course – I’m terrible at communicating. I suppose I should learn from this experience. Take from it what I can. Talk more.

In yet another scenario, I heard from one of my close friends that another such best friend was transferring schools in the fall. This is going to be our Grad year. The most important high school year of our lives. And she’s not going to be there by my side. I talked to her everyday during school and I saw her three times that week. She never told me herself. I’ve known her for twelve years. I know she probably didn’t want to make me all sad about it yet and she probably wanted to find a way out of it first. But I’m a little hurt that she didn’t come to me first. Or at least one of our other best friends.

We’re not as close as we used to be.

But more than the fact that she didn’t tell me first, the fact that she won’t be there hurts me more. She’s definitely one of the most amazing people I know and my last year of high school is hollow, incomplete without her. I really resent our public school system. Sigh. At least the strike is over. We can finally return to our respective clubs.

But beyond my best friends, there are others that have reached out to me. I am definitely not in the prime state to be the advice giver, to be the one who helps make it okay again. I feel the resentment from within their situations – the depression, the pain – and somehow, because I’ve been there, because I care, it hurts me too. I’m tired of giving smiley faces. Of speaking words that signal a bright future when there is no certainty at all. Won’t someone do the same for me? Wait. There is someone. And I’m very thankful for him.

But to get to the core of this melancholic blue summer canvas, I have to get to crux of my situation.

A loss. A terrible, unfortunate loss. One that affected me more than I thought it would.

People deal with loss in different ways. Some cry for days on end, refusing to do anything productive. Others put on a brave face and carry on with their lives, tucking away memories of their loved one in the back of their minds. Some lose their words, lose their purpose, lose their way – lost until they find something or someone to bring them back. There are even those that seek revenge, that look for the cause of the loss and search for ways to terminate it. Then there are those who take the loss in a positive light. Who use it as inspiration to a piece of art, who gain motivation to walk down another path, and who use it as a beacon guiding them towards the future.

For me, it’s a bit of everything.

I respected my late grandfather (on my mother’s side) to a great extent, though we really never had a strong connection. To him, I was little more than just ‘granddaughter’, a role I happily wanted to fulfil, but was too far away to. He lived in a different part of the world, in my home town Hong Kong, while I was happily adapting to life in Canada, indulging myself in a different culture, a different language. But this is the man that raised my mother to be the wonderful woman she is today. Without him, I wouldn’t exist. But I thank him for more than just my existence – I thank him for my livelihood, my home, and my purpose.

It’s been tough journey for him. A few years ago, he was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s Disease. Slowly, he began to lose sense of the world. Began to forget people, places, memories. It hurt my grandmother the most, having to still work and care for him. My aunt supported the family in place of my mom who had her own family to deal with.

Seeing this suffering, this pain that was evident all across the family, I became dead-set into the world of medical study. Geriatrics. Not the most interesting area of study, but a path I am more than willing to take.

And now that he’s gone, I am even more determined to make my dream happen.

And some things about me need to change.

I know that.

And that drives me insane.

This sadness.

This too disorients my view.

People deal with loss in different ways.

I’m silent, lost, confused, but still carrying on my way.

I’ll be okay. Right?

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7 thoughts on “35 – A Splattered Blue Summer

  1. You’re a Special one Blue… The Shifting of Friends, is a Constant… Don’t let it bug you too much… Feel it, but try to Understand it… You will Connect with others as you go

    My Mom’s Mom also has Alzheimer’s, and has for the last several years… She’s in a Home, and My Mom and Oldest Sister go to see her just about every Weekend… But she just turned 92, and Mom said she didn’t look so great last time.

    My Grandma is one of the Most Amazing People I’ve ever Met, or Known… She was a Brilliant Woman, and would have probably been a Lawyer, but in her Era, her Husband wanted her to be home… Something that I think was hard on her, and for My Mom, she wasn’t the Warmest of Mothers.

    But, My Grandpa, her husband, My Mom’s Dad, passed away in 1969 or 1970, so she ended up having a lot of time on her own, she never got involved with another man… Something she regretted a while later… But, none the less, she went on to be get involved in Real Estate, and later, in her 70’s became a Paralegal… Pretty Cool

    You are Young… Don’t forget that… And when I say that, I don’t mean that you’re Immature, what I mean is, you have time to work your way through, and down your path.

    Always try to spend time with people that Appreciate Who You are… And definitely Fight for your Personal Goals… I can tell you, as someone who Pursued Film Making, and got a Short Film into a Film Festival in New York, which I did 10 years ago… And now as someone who is Pursuing Writing, and has Self Published a Poetry Book, and has it in a Local Book Store… Is about to Self Publish My First Novella, and hopes to Publish My First Fantasy Novel in the Fall or Winter, there is Nothing More Satisfying than Achieving Your Goals… Whether I sell 4 Copies, or 4,000 Copies, just Completing it, and getting it into a Store has Changed My Life…

    Flying to New York to see My Short Film on a Big Screen, Changed My Life.

    It Told me that “Dreams Can Come True”, but we must be the one that Bring These Dreams into Fruition.

    You are a Beautiful Creature Blue… And Nothing in the World will ever Change that… Not a Painful/Difficult Past… Not the Lost of Old Friends… Not the Blows that Life can take at you.

    Through your Life, My Greatest Recommendation is this… Treat Yourself, the way you would want Your Own Daughter to be Treated… Encourage Yourself, as you would Encourage Your Own Child.

    Because what they don’t tell you in this world is, Beyond the Ages of 16, 17, 18 Etc., YOU actually are the one that takes over the Parenting of yourself… And I don’t mean your Parents aren’t your Parents anymore, of course they are… I’m Amazingly Close to My Mom…

    But I am Responsible for My Own Well Being now, and The better you take care of yourself, The Better Your Life will be… Guaranteed.

    Enjoy Romantic Love, it is Indeed My Favorite Thing in the World… But never rely on a Romantic Relationships to Give you Happiness, Rely on yourself, Your Choices, and Your Life for that… And just Enjoy Romantic Relationships for what they are…

    They can be Great, but they can also tear you down. Always Protect Yourself if situations get hard in your life… Always put yourself First… Trust me.

    When the Smoke Settles, those that Truly Love you, whether Romantically or other… Will be there by your side.

    Like we on WP are by your side.

    DJ-

  2. “It might be stormy now, but it can’t rain forever.”

    I have to say this to myself many times, sometimes multiple times an hour. Depression is destructive and deep and painful and ruining. You don’t have to be strong for everyone, especially not right now. Someone should be strong for you. If I was closer, I would do my best. Instead, I just have words over the internet to give you.

    You will get through, you will survive. Not because of some outside intervention that may come and will help you, but because of your own strength. I see it in you, I know it’s there.

    You, YOU can do anything, including get through this. Sadness is part of life. Depression is a medical condition that is also part of life. It’s manageable at times, all encompassing at others.

    But yes, it will be ok.

  3. You will be alright…we all go through times just like you are going through but there is always a light at the end of the tunnel where your heart and spirit will be moved again with a great flame of sharing…it will come do not be dismayed, it will come again! Much love to you my sister!

  4. ;’-[ I think I go the emoticon right. Understand that you are tossed about by a mix of two cultures, family from the East living in the West. This is a great challenge, yet one that when you blend them with some sort of understanding, or even conquer them altogether, you will be greater than most.
    Losing an ancestor is surely difficult. We lost my wife’s father last year … he was truly the patriarch of the family, and everyone is still adjusting, someone who is a cornerstone, is hard to replace. I suppose we should look at nature in that regard, when the mountain crumbles into the sea what takes it’s place? When the forest burns the way it does what is it that returns to us, rises from the ashes?
    I just published a poem called Blessings – I might say it is odd that I did just before I read this post, but I know better now. There are no coincidences in life, we are all knit together is some fine tapestry. Be well, be whole, and most of all enjoy the summer – gfs

    • I must say that you give me more credit than I deserve, grandfathersky. I am sorry for your loss, but am enlightened by your philosophy.
      I’m honoured to be connected to you through this ‘fine tapestry’.
      Thank you for dropping by, it honestly means the world to me. I hope your summer burns with more inspiration than ever before. (:

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